LUDIC LOG

Sure, they always tell you about Rock 'n' Roll Heaven. You know why? Because they want you to think you've got a chance of going there. If you think that, you'll play rock 'n' roll. And that leads to sin. And you know where sin leads? That's right. Don't believe all that nonsense they feed you about Elvis on lead vocals and Hendrix on guitar; Elvis couldn't get into Heaven because of the watching-underage-girls-in-white-panties-wrestle thing, and Hendrix got lost on the way up there because he was so high and ended up Rock 'n' Roll Limbo, where he's wandered around for the last thirty years watching his thumbs grow. Let me tell you where you're going. Let me tell you about...Rock 'n' Roll Hell.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, there's a hundred guys who all want to join your band, and they're all drummers.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, there's a dozen critics in attendance at every gig you play, and eleven of them give you a pan. The one who gives you a rave is Dave Marsh.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, you have to go to church every single morning for worship service and gospel music. But since it's Hell, all the gospel music is Satanic black metal.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, you get a free practice pad, but it's a U-Stor-It. In Arizona. In August. And the band who practices in the space next to you is a Mr. Mister cover band.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, you still age. When you arrive, you're 18, and your band is headlining for eight other groups, all of whom have better-looking girlfriends. When you turn 30, your band is the headliner after six other bands, on a Tuesday night, and you have to work the next day, and your crummy-looking girlfriend just had a baby.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, everyone uses the word "fusion".

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, there's a vital and lively debate going on between the proponents of the leading styles -- but the styles are neo-classical prog rock and doo-wop revival.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, the Devil makes every band sing his favorite song to him twice a day. His favorite song is "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". And he sings along with his part.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, the club owners always pay you on time, but in crappy chicken wings.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, your roommate is a well-known performer who's already made it and has connections in the business: G.G. Allin.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, everyone is required to use "rock" as a verb while onstage at least three times per performance, and to have at least one song in their repertoire that explicity refers to rock. Also, "roll".

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, whenever a record company A&R comes to see your band, your cooler is out of Diet Coke. Also, the rep is from Atlantic Records.

In Rock 'n' Roll Hell, it's not only the same six friends at every one of your shows, it's the same six friends at every one of everyone's shows. In this way, Rock 'n' Roll Hell is even worse than Theatre Hell or Performance Art Hell. But, of course, Performance Art Hell has performance art, so there's that.