LUDIC LOG

All the time I was growing up, my dad would tell me "Son, you can't fight City Hall." I was kind of a rebellious kid, and I would always be railing about some teacher who was giving me a hard time, or the boss at my summer job who would ride me over this or that, and invariably, he'd tell me the same thing: "Son, you can't fight City Hall." Some people would have gotten mad at his advice, figuring that he was encouraging them to give up, but I know the old man was only trying to help out.

When I bought my first home, I ended up getting into a zoning dispute with the city about the overhang of some of my lemon trees. They wanted me to prune them down, but I loved their towering, citrussy majesty, and refused. I decided to take my case before the Zoning Commission, and as soon as my dad got wind of it, he was on the horn with me, saying "Son, you can't fight City Hall."

"Dad," I told him, "I can fight City Hall. I can, and I will. And I'll win, too."

To my shock, he became extremely emotional and started screaming at me. "Now you listen to me, you dumb little fuck," he yelled, "City Hall is a mean son of a bitch and if you screw with him he's going to knock your goddamn teeth out and leave you bleeding in a parking lot. So don't come crying to me about it when it happens." He hung up on me and didn't speak to me again for three years. I later found out from my mom that all these years, he'd actually been talking about Sidney Hall, who was some kid who used to beat the crap out of him in junior high school. He'd probably be like 75 years old by now. Real good advice, Dad.

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How come it's okay for women to walk around topless, but it's not okay for me to masturbate on a park bench? For that matter, how come it's not okay for women to walk around topless?

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I know the package says "horse tranquilizers", but that's only a suggested animal usage.

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When money's tight, I've found that a great way to get the things you want even if you can't afford them is to find a store that has them and sneak them out without paying. Or you can find someone who already owns the things and take it from them, either covertly or by force. Finally, if you insist on paying for the stuff, you can just take someone else's money or credit cards and use those to buy the things you want.

Some people call this "stealing", but I'm not a Christian, so I don't think that really applies to me.

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I used to have a big crush on this girl at my office. I've always been really shy around women, so I couldn't just walk up to her and ask her out; so I contrived to follow her around when she'd go shopping, run errands, that sort of thing, in the hopes that I could 'bump into her' and start up a conversation that might lead to something. At first it started out pretty simply -- I'd just go to the grocery store where she shopped or run into her at the bar where she and her friends were having a girls' night out -- but eventually it got the the point that I was going to her church, making appointments at her gynecologist, attending her family reunions, and so forth.

It all worked out well in the end, because I got to know her schedule so well that she hired me as her personal assistant. The relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere because she says she doesn't believe in dating employees, but she did get me a cute potted cactus for Secretaries' Day.

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Sure, I've got wealth, fame, prestige, respect and a thirty-three inch penis, but I'd trade it all for a corn dog.

Actually, I guess I could just buy a corn dog with some of the wealth. Never mind.

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I keep trying to get a spot on one of those 'reality TV' shows, but they tell me I have to stop throwing up at the auditions. Well, all I can say is, when someone comes up with a reality show about people vomiting, look out!

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This is a time of war, and in a time of war, no matter what your personal feelings about the justice or injustice of the situation, it's very important to support the troops. At least that's the message you hear from a lot of people. Then again, if you don't happen to be listening to those particular people, you might think that in a time of war, it's very important to buy a Bowflex exercise machine. Boy, the guy in those commercials sure doesn't look like he's in his forties, does he? I wonder if he's in favor of the war. My point is, I just don't have the room in my apartment for one of those stationary bikes.