LUDIC LOG

AL CENTRAL NOTES

Chicago White Sox: Veteran hurler Esteban Loaiza is 2-0 after being picked up as a non-roster invitee in Spring Training; he attributes his strong early start to sacrificing a dwarf to his horrid island voodoo gods...skipper Jerry Manuel, a devout Christian, has withstood the urge to curse for over 40 years, but succumbed after a late-inning loss to the Kansas City Royals, berating his team in the locker room with an incredibly foul-mouthed tirade lasting over three house; according to ace Mark Buehrle, it began with "Fucking bunch of pussy-ass shits" at 9:23PM and concluded at 12:47AM with "can suck my big fat black cock if you think you can bitch up my clubhouse with this crap, you cum-sucking assholes"...superstar hurler Bartolo Colon made a number of demands before signing as a free agent with the White Sox, including that he be allowed to eat a brisket of corned beef and an entire pie before every start; he's lately been complaining to his agent that Sox management are trying to squeeze him on the deal by giving him only a single Hostess fruit pie...young starters Jon Garland and Danny Wright's homosexual affair ended in tears in the shower Wednesday with a heated confrontation over issues of fidelity; it quickly degenerated into what was described by the clubhouse manager as a "sissy slap fight".

Cleveland Indians: Cleanup hitter Shane Spencer told a young fan at a baseball card signing this week that he'd "like to stick it in you until your fanny bleeds"; Spencer has responded to the resulting storm of controversy by saying that his statement was taken out of context...outfielder Matt Lawton is willing to try anything to get out of his early-season slump; after going .097 in the first two weeks of the season, he's been rumored to have sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for a 50-homer season. Satan could not be reached for comment...Josh Bard was moved to the 6-hole after a similarly bad start, but has no plans to make his own deal with Lucifer, despite his .077 batting average. "After all," says Bard, "the 50 homers could all come in losses with no one on base, or he could have the 50-homer season in a park softball league thirty years from now"...first baseman Casey Blake responded to taunting by a fan by suggesting that he was going to use his per diem to get a handjob from the man's mother; the mortified fan informed Blake that his mother had just died the previous week. Blake responded that he guessed he wouldn't spring an extra five bucks to have his dick sucked.

Detroit Tigers: Rookie manager Alan Trammell admitted in a post-game press conference that if he'd known his team was going to suck this bad, he would have stuck with pimping; he's threatened to blow the heads off three randomly chosen players by May 1st if he doesn't see immediate improvements...veteran presence on the young Tigers team is at a premium, and older players such as Dean Palmer, Bobby Higginson and Dmitri Young have been cashing in on their 'grand old man' reputations by picking up endorsements for motorized walkers, adult diapers and Medicaire supplemental insurance...after the club's woeful 0-11 start, utility men like Shane Halter, Craig Paquette and Matt Walbeck fear that, due to contract considerations, they will be the most likely to feel skipper Trammell's murderous wrath; Walbeck and Paquette have taken turns hiding Trammell's .44 Magnum revolver, and young infielder Carlos Pena has publically discussed the possibility of poisoning the manager's whiskey...designated hitter Ramon Santiago caught a lot of heat last week for calling teammate Omar Infante a "blind, ignorant nigger", but managed to diffuse the situation by clarifying that he was actually talking about Elvis Costello.

Kansas City Royals: K.C. Manager Tony Pena seems as shocked as anyone at his team's unexpected 9-0 start, and is said to have privately expressed regret at his spring training comments that the team "made him sad and he wanted to go home"...hotshot rookie Runelvys Hernandez cleared up a common misconception on Monday when he explained that he is named not after the famed pop singer Elvis Presley, but after the Guatemalan serial killer Runelvys Presley...Chris George is developing a poor clubhouse reputation by virtue of the fact that he can be brought to tears by anyone who points out that he has two first names...Jeremy Affeldt and Miguel Asencio are neck-and-neck in the Royals' 'worst-smelling player' competition, with Affeldt's 'wet fart' scent having a slight edge over Ascencio's 'vinegar and spoiled peaches' odor...Jason Grimsley and veteran Albie Lopez shore up what is turning into one of the best-looking bullpens in the American League; the two pitchers, who are inseperable chums, are exchanging pints of blood with each other to show team solidarity -- a move the team doctor, a graduate of Guadalajara Petroleum Medical Institute, calls "rock-solid, healthally speaking"...rookies Mike MacDougal and D.J. Carrasco have been phenomenal so far, which will make their imminent double-suicide all the more inexplicable.

Minnesota Twins: First basemen Doug Mientkiewicz raised eyebrows with his pre-season prediction that the Twins would win the Central Division in 2003 going away; he's continued the tradition of bold forecasts by saying he expects a US-led war against Syria to end in "abject humiliation and defeat" for the United States and the installation of a Muslim caliph as supreme overlord of the Muslim States of America...Ron Gardenhire, the club's feisty second-year manager, continues his attempts to impregnate his chauffer Julio. Gardenhire says he's not going to let the fact that he and Julio are both males deter him; after all, he notes, "the critics said the Twins wouldn't make the playoffs last year, either."