LUDIC LOG

It is a truism in the retail industry that if you have to ask the price, you cannot afford it. Likewise, we here at Bernstein & Edelman believe that if you have to ask who our clients are, you're clearly not one of them. Since 1952, we have catered to a select group of customers who know what they need, and they choose to get it from us. Why us? There are as many reasons as there are products and buyers for those products. Many B&E clients like our no-questions-asked shipping policy; others cite our easy returns, our wide selection of hard-to-find products, and our efficient and reputable sales staff. Still others are impressed by our long-standing promise: "If we don't have it, we'll find someone who does and get it from them. Either way, it's yours." But a single thread unites all the praise we receive here at the post-office-box headquarters of Bernstein & Edelman in the heart of downtown Undisclosed Location, U.S.A.: a commitment to service. We find what's hard to find, we sell to anyone, and we fill a need that others are unable to fill. It would be foolish and dangerous to say more; let's just take a look at some of the specials in our Spring catalogue for 2004.

GLOCK 19A SEMI-AUTOMATIC PISTOL. Long the favorite of many of our urban clients, the Glock combines quality craftsmanship and masterful design with outstanding stopping power, unparalleled portability and a plastic frame construction that allows this excellent handgun to go where no gun has gone before. The 19A is the best edition yet from the ever-reliable manufacturer, and we expect it to become a best-seller. Featuring custom target grips, a touch-activated laser sight and our patented serial number removal service absolutely free, the Glock 19A ensures that the important question isn't whether or not you buy one, but whether you buy one before the other guy does. The first 5,000 ordered will receive, at no extra charge, a box of our hand-crafted "Police Pleaser" shells. And, as always, the only waiting period you'll encounter with B&E is how long you'll wait to use it.

MARINGTON HOME CHEMISTRY SET. Amateur chemistry is one of the fastest-growing hobbies in our nation's suburbs. But just because you're an amateur chemist doesn't mean you have to use amateur equipment! This is the same kind of gear government-funded scientists use for everything from food chemistry to germ warfare, but at a fraction of the price. Whether you're trying to make a particular type of thing, make another particular type of thing, or remove a certain thing from another thing, the fine folks at Marington give you everything you need in this portable, easily disposable and highly useful kit. With every order, you'll receive a 220-page handbook detailing how hobbyists unable to get hard-to-find ingredients can substitute common household chemicals, as well as a pamphlet which teaches you how to make your chemicals last longer in order to provide more value. Don't leave home without it! But also, don't be caught in your home with it.

BIG BEAR BRAND CHAINSAWS. In recent years, this item -- always popular with our rural constituency -- has become extremely hot with suburban and city-dwelling customers as well, especially in Texas, Miami, and southern California. In fact, the only item that has shown more growth than Big Bear's chainsaw line is Big Bear's wood chipper. What could be the reason? Is it the finely crafted Canadian industrial design? Is it the three-year limited warantee? Is it the tireless efforts of Big Bear's technicians to prove that their chopping, hacking and pulverizing equipment can be used not just on wood, but other types of material? Whatever the case, we can barely keep them in stock. When you order, take a moment to enter Big Bear's summer sweepstakes for a chance to win one of their brand-new electric threshers!

UNICRON INFORMATION SERVICES CONTRACT. People tend to think of Bernstein & Edelman as a brick-and-mortar, lead-and-chloroform kind of business. But we haven't been in business for over fifty years by resting on our laurels. We're fully integrated into the information age with products like our exclusive contract with Unicron Information Services. Use your credit card, or anyone's, to make a simple monthly payment of only $9.95, and you'll have full access to Unicron's comprehensive "advertising" database. Your "business" can't afford to be without this at-your-fingertips access to key consumer demographic information, such as age, sex, annual household income, address and phone number, proximity to nearest police station, close relationship to wealthy family members, times most likely to be at home alone, and type of household security. The "competition" is using Unicron; shouldn't you?

SPECIAL B&E SERVICE. Our most asked-about service for 35 years running, this special service is so special that our attorneys have asked us to say as little about it as possible. Suffice to say that it is available in many different models, sizes, and genders, with speedy on-time delivery to your home or place of business or using our special call service. It can be bought in blocks of 15 minutes at a time or the money-saving Overnight Express, and is thoroughly tested for quality and safety. We work closely with local service providers to assure the finest experience possible with this special product, and we guarantee satisfaction or twice the price of the hotel room back. Ask about our you-break-it-you-bought-it options!