LUDIC LOG

With apologies to Gustave Flaubert and Lewis Lapham: A Dictionary of Received Ideas for the 21st Century.

AFRICA. A disaster. Say that we must learn the lessons of Africa, even if you're not sure what the lessons of Africa are.

ARABS. Violent, anti-Semitic. Categorized on census forms as white due to bureaucratic incompetence. Worship a bloodthirsty, primitive god named Mohammed. There has always been violence in the middle east, and there always will be: no point in working for a solution.

CHILDREN. "I believe that children are the future". People should have more children. Impossible for those without them to understand why this is so. No one can tell you how to raise your children.

COMMUNISM. A dead religion. Useful as a cautionary tale. Communism's failure proves the superiority of capitalism; if an idea does not succeed, it is because it's a bad idea. Works "in theory". The opposite of communism is freedom.

COMPUTERS. The salvation of mankind. Computers have changed everything and made the whole world better for everyone. Once, it seemed sensible to pour millions of dollars into computer schemes that in retrospect, were invested in solely by greedy fools.

DEFENSE. Stress importance of national defense; spend lots of money on it. "The best offense is a good defense."

EDUCATION. Education is almost as important as family. Decry the fact that public school teachers are ill-paid, but do not send your children to public schools. Education as training for career: education should not be free. Teachers' union is notoriously corrupt and selfish.

ENVIRONMENT. It is important to save the environment, because it contains entertaining animals and scenic vistas. Difficulty of balancing commerce and nature; ideas to help the environment are impractical.

FAMILY: It is very important to have a family of the correct configuration. Constantly emphasize the vital neccessity of the family; a family consists of a female mother and a male father who are married to each other. Greatest blessing to have a family who gives you money; greatest tragedy to have a family who asks you for money.

FRANCE. Filled with socialists, rabble-rousers, backward-thinking unionists. Its survival as a world power is entirely thanks to American intervention. The French are all arrogant, pompous sex fiends. France is synonymous with Europe.

GOD. God exists, and wants us to be rich and happy. God protects America and, to a lesser extent, Europe and Canada. Insist on having a "personal relationship" with God. Religion is important, but not as important as spirituality. God's rules do not always apply to you; for everyone else, say: "They're called the Ten Commandments, not the Ten Suggestions".

ISSUES. Important to talk about the issues during an election; politicians always try to avoid the issues. At other times, issues should not be dealt with. Say: "that's a whole different issue" or "I don't want to get into that issue right now".

JOURNALISTS. Very important to a free society. Journalists are to be protected to a degree second only to politicians. Archaic image of the rumpled, chain-smoking sot has been replaced by sophisticated, urbane professional. Still, nothing they say is to be believed: they are filled with liberal bias!

MEN. Intrinsically different from women on every possible level. Attempt to understand these differences, but not to eradicate them.

MONEY. Every waking hour should be spent at making money, but when asked, say "there is more to life than money". Also say "it's not about the money"; don't say what it is about.

SEX. A thing of the past. Still important, although it's unclear why. Having sex shows that you have cheated death.

TIME. There never seems to be enough of it. Still, we have it much better than ancient peoples: they had no access to time-saving devices. Imagine how busy their lives must have been!

TROOPS. You have to support them.

WAR. America does not engage in wars; remind people at every opportunity that Viet Nam, Korea, etc. were not actually wars. War has been replaced with terrorism, which is an entirely one-sided activity.

WOMEN. Fact that women are treated as equals a testament to the magnanimity of men. To think there was a time that women were discriminated against!