A Memo From The Chairman

All right. Is this working? Can you hear me? Bill? Bill. Can you hear me, Bill? What is this? All right. It's important that the equipment is working, and Bill says the equipment is working fine.

Johnny! Did I already say that? All right. That was before I knew the equipment was, you know. Okay.

Okay, so. You get a message from the home office. Everybody's going to freak out, what is it, what does the man upstairs want, it's got to be bad news. It does not. Have to be bad news. Did I get into this business because of money, that I have to get on your case every time the numbers are down? No. I didn't get in, for that reason. It's a calling. Do you know what that means, John? For it to be a calling? All right. So we both know what it means. Fantastic. So we're all here for the same reason: because it's a calling, and it's called us. We're all here because we believe in the product.

All right. A few things. First of all, let's get something straight: I want us to stay on point here. I want the same message coming out of Houston as is coming out of Philly. I don't want the goddamn press, you know, the press how they are I don't want them saying that we're talking out of both sides of our mouth here. I don't want it getting out in the trades that there's factions in the company. There are no factions. What is that, even? What is a faction? Well you tell me, John. Because Chloe is telling me that you and Paul, and I mean not me Paul but Otter Paul, Paul Otter I mean, that there's a lot of contentious shit going on down there. Forgive my fucking French.

What is this? What is this contentious shit? I'm with Paul, is what I hear from Chloe that you're saying. And I'm with Don in Purchasing. And I'm in it for Number One. And I believe in ChristCo. Well let me ask you this: let me just ask you this: Is ChristCo two companies, or six, or only fucking one? Did I send you to St. Kitts last year? Did you join this company because you wanted to work for me? I thank God that I didn't personally hire any of you except for Chris and Gerry, so people can't go around saying, oh this operation is all about Paul. Oh and Steve and his wife. I hired them too. I can't remember who else I hired down there, probably some others I don't know and that's not the point.

I did not come to ChristCo to fucking hire people, John. I am not a fucking human resources director. I didn't come here to mix words because that would sort of make the whole point meaningless. And what is the point? What? What is it? This is stupid, you're saying it's stupid and it doesn't make any sense. Well let me tell you something: the whole point is not to make sense. This company is about shifting paradigms. Did I say that right? Good. This company is about changing the rules. Including the rule where you have to not sound stupid. Since this company was founded, stupid is the new sense. And sense is the new stupid. Does that sound stupid? Good! Then it's right! While the wise old men at Hebraica are talking about how stupid and confusing it all is, we're laughing all the way to the bank.

Listen. Are you listening? Well they're going to type this up later so I guess reading. I guess are you reading this is my question. Although really you'd have to be to get the question. Pay attention is what I'm getting at. Are you talking to me like a baby? Huh? Like a bitty booby diaper baby? That's what you're asking, I can hear you, shut up I can hear you already. Yes, I am talking to you like a baby. A sissy little fucking milk baby. Because you're not a man. You're not my big brother, you're my baby brother and you can't eat meat! You eat milk! What? What? You don't eat milk, you drink it. But don't babies eat milk? No? Okay, thanks, good call goddamn interrupting me Tim now what was I saying. Right. You, John, are a big baby and baby needs baby things. So I'll talk to you like a big whiny baby, as long as you talk like a baby. I'm with this I'm with that waah waah waah. Fuck.

Are you fucking around down there? Seriously. I am serious. As a heart attack. Oh, sorry about your dad by the way. Anyway. Are you fucking around, or are you working? You are here to work. To make sales. To get the goddamn product out on the streets and not to fuck around. When the time comes to make promotions to the home office, and I call you all up here and ask, what have you been doing, and you say, oh you know, I've been stealing goddamn office supplies and having a birthday party for Larry where we had a big fucking cake and drank brandy from a shoe or something and I've generally been fucking around instead of I've been working, that is not going to make me think you believe in this company and move you up to the home office. Let me say that. All right. I said it and it's said and that's all there is to that.

You asked me some stuff in your last e-mail. Where's that e-mail. Pete. Where's. I don't know how to work the fucking thing, that's what I hired you for. Find it. All right. No is my answer. I would prefer not to hire married guys. Yes, I know I hired Steve and his wife, I think, that's a whole different thing. I mean, I'd rather have a married guy that someone who just fucks around all the time. So if it's a choice of get married or spend all your time thinking about pussy instead of fourth quarter differential sales figures then fine, have a wedding, invite your relatives, go crazy. But remember: this company is not about pussy. This is not PussyCo. We are not a limited agency corporation registered in the state of Delaware fully held and bonded with divestures in pussy and fucking around. It's all about selling the product. Closing the deal. Okay? Whatever. I forgot what I was talking about. Don't put that in.

One more thing. And this is confidential. What is that? Why do I have to say that? Okay fine. This is between you, the you being you and the rest of the guys, and me, me meaning fucking me, and that means confidential because what don't I need? Tell me what I don't need. TELL ME. Yes: a lawsuit. A fucking discrimination lawsuit is the very thing I don't need. All right? Okay. You do what I say, like I do what the Big Boss says. Right? But listen: who is the boss of you? ChristCo. Is the boss. Of you. And who is the boss of your fucking secretaries and assistants? You are. Youare the bossof them. Like the Big Boss is the boss of ChristCo. You are out there, there meaning Houston but "there" also, like everywhere. You are there to make us look good. And what are the women there for? You fucking got it, Johnny. To make you look good. You ugly motherfucker. Ha! Ha! I'm kidding. Jesus. Okay. So, when the fucking bitches okay leave that part out, all right? Seriously. When the women are making a lot of noise and bitching and moaning about promotions and being part of the decision-making process, that makes you look bad. And when you look bad, I look bad. And who looks bad when I look bad? ChristCo looks bad! ChristCo! Fucking ChristCo looks bad and that's not good. We can't have that. Cannot have. That. So all right.

I'm wrapping this up now. You can't see it, but I'm making this gesture, where I twirl my wrist sort of, and that means I'm wrapping it up, to Bill. To Bill, I mean, I'm gesturing. I'm wrapping it up with you. Johnny. All right. So, to recap:

* Believe in the Product
* It's About the Company, Not About Me
* We Make Things Sound Stupid To Fool Smart People
* Don't Be A Baby
* No Fucking Around
* People Who Fuck Around Don't Get Promoted
* Women Are There To Make Us Look Good

All right. I'm signing off now. If anyone puts themselves before ChristCo, they can fuck off and go to hell because they're dead to me. Dead. Best to Margarita and the kids. Love you all.

Previous Entry. Current Entry. Next Entry.

E-mail the Ludic Log.

Quote of the Day: "An artist never really finishes his work; he merely abandons it." (Paul Valery)