LUDIC LOG

"You're being a child."

"I'm not being a child. I'm being childish. It's an important, though subtle, distinction."

"There's an important though subtle distinction between your face and my ass. Just go, already. It's important. It's a life-landmark."

"Life-landmark? Where did you pick that up, at 'Transitions: A Place for Books'? I don't want to pay three hundred dollars to hang out at a country club with people I didn't like the last time I saw them. It's all the tension, awkwardness and humiliation of a family reunion, with none of the actual kinship."

"I don't see what the big deal is. You show up, you shake a few hands, you share a few memories, you go home."

"Just a second ago, you were arguing this was an important life experience, and now you're saying it's not that important. Besides, I don't want to share any memories. All my memories of high school are unpleasant, except the ones involving you."

"High school is a formative time in peoples' lives."

"So was Auschwitz. You don't see those people going to reunions."

"I know what this is about. You're worried that you're going to look bad because some people will be more successful than you. You're worried about being shown up."

"Is this one of those conversations that ends with you saying I have a small penis? Because a lot of people have been sending me e-mails agreeing with you."

"You just don't want to go because you're afraid that the people you looked down on are doing great."

"Not that I'm indulging you in your attempt to cater to my vanity, but I can't imagine who you might be talking about."

"Jeff Garza is a professional baseball player."

"He's a backup infielder for the Detroit Tigers. I don't think you'll hear much bragging out of that guy. They lost over a hundred games last year and he still couldn't crack the starting lineup."

"Tim Nelson is very successful."

"You can have money and still not be successful. He's a cog in a big corporate machine. You think that makes him happy? Not the way I measure success. He's someone else's man."

"John Porter owns his own trucking company."

"Yeah, but I bet people still call him Port-a-John."

"I don't know why you don't want to go to the reunion. You're still emotionally at the level of a fourteen-year-old."

"Well, what about you? I don't see you in a big hurry to go to your 20th next year. You were just a year behind me and I don't remember you thinking it was the greatest time of your life."

"It's different. I've made my peace with the past."

"Really."

"Yes! Really."

"Even with Melissa Heerick?"

"The problems we had are ancient history. It was twenty years ago, honey. You need to just let it go and show up and be a better man. I don't bear Melissa Heerick any ill will. I'm happy for her success."

"Plus, she's fat."

"Exactly."