LUDIC LOG

It's time once again for another trip through DC Who's Who. This is issue #2, but unlike The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, which I only had the first five copies of, I've got all 25 of these fuckers, so settle in for the long haul.

First, a brief word about the covers: aside from being a terrific craftsman and perhaps the quintessentual superhero comic artist of the modern era, George Perez had the particular gift of being able to draw really hot women. On the cover of issue #2, for example, there's a picture of Beautiful Dreamer in the foreground that makes me anxious to finish this log entry, and he even makes Big Barda, who is, shall we say, not to everyone's taste look absolutely foxy. I love you, George Perez! Let's get married.

But first: men in tights.

AUTOMAN. Automan is not, as you might expect, a car, but rather a robot. He went to "Robot Tech University, an institute for higher learning designed exclusively for mechanical men". His creator, Prof. Miller Sterling, was apparently one of those all-too-common comic book geniuses smart enough to design an incredibly sophisticated robot with super-strength and laser beam eyes, but not smart enough to just program him to do things. I bet you the frat parties at Robot Tech were off the hook, yo! Anyway, he apparently graduated from Robot Tech and became a "robot for hire". Good work if you can get it.

BALLOON BUSTER. I love Joe Kubert. Joe Kubert is a genius. Joe Kubert deserves better than to be drawing a guy with the word 'balloon' in his name.

BARON BEDLAM. This dude is the leader of Markovia and was famed for battling Geo-Force and the Outsiders in a desperate, bloody battle to make people care about Geo-Force and the Outsiders. His bad attitude and villainous nature might be because of his huge duelling scar or the fact that he's the son of a Nazi, but I prefer to think that it's because of his faggy pageboy haircut.

BARON BLITZKRIEG. Baron Blitzkrieg was a concentration camp commander until one of those ungrateful Jews threw vitriol in his face. Hitler had some surgeons go to work on him, and just for the hell of it, "had his scientists execute a long-developed plan that tapped the commandant's latent psychic powers". I love this origin story, because it makes it sound like they'd had this plan for a couple of years and just completely forgot about it. And then, hey! As long as he's in here to get some plastic surgery done, didn't we have a plan to tap his latent psychic powers lying around here? Why don't we do that, you guys?

BARON WINTERS. I used to like Baron Winters (Moore did a nice interpretation of him in Swamp Thing), but now he pisses me off, because he ruins my theory that all barons in comic books are evil. However, in my defense, Baron Winters is kind of a dick.

BATGIRL. There really isn't much to say here besides to note the tuff art by Brenty Anderson and my favorite inker, Terry Austin. So I'll use this space to mention that the Birds of Prey TV show really, really, really, really sucked.

BATMAN. The Golden Age Batman, that is. Now, you know I ain't about making fun of Bats. But dig this: I was looking at the supercool old-school art that accompanies this entry, and guess what? It's by Dave Gibbons! Who knew he could draw in this amazing '40s style? Not me, that's for sure. I kinda wish he would do it more often.

BAT-MITE. Pesty fucks like Bat-Mite, Mr. Mxzyptlk and the Heavenly Helpmates (that's right, you bastards, you heard me: The Heavenly Helpmates) always annoyed the shit out of me. The one great thing about this entry is the background art, which features a shot of Bat-Mite preparing to give Bats a hot-foot, while Bats just stands there, totally oblivious. Believe me (well, I guess you have to believe me, since I'm too broke and lazy to buy a scanner and show you) when I tell you that Batman has never looked more like a beefy, low-grade, dim-bulb, zero-IQ moron than he does in this picture. He looks as out-of-it as one of the SS guards in those old war movies where the Allies would drive a tank right past a Nazi guardpost and no one would notice.

BEAUTIFUL DREAMER, BEN BOXER, BIG BARDA, & BIG BEAR. Four pages of Kirby Magic. Beautiful. Great art, plus perfectly loony, brilliant Kirby conceits like Devillance, Mother Box (why isn't there an Apple computer called Mother Box? Come on, nerds), cyclo-hearts and the Female Fury Battalion. Big Bear, with his Grizzly Adams beard and robust 6'5"/252 lb. physique, would probably appeal to fans of...er...big bears.

BIG SIR. The most retarded -- and I mean that literally -- member of Flash's Rogues Gallery. And that's saying something, because the Flash always got the limpest villains imaginable. However, none of them could compete with Big Sir, and I'll tell you why: his real name was Dufus P. Ratchet. That's right: Dufus P. Ratchet. His FIRST NAME WAS DUFUS. What kind of parents would...oh, skip it.

BIZARRO. I have mad love for the B-Man. The Kevin O'Neill art makes him look truly twisted and fucked up, which is just as it should be. Bizarro Lois is totally hagged. The entry claims that "his speech pattern is ungrammatical, almost child-like". It's ungrammatical, all right, but I tell you this: if I ever heard a child talking the way Bizarro does, I'd stuff him in a sack and toss him in the nearest river, because he would be a child of the Devil.

BIZARRO WORLD. Did you know there was a Bizarro Green Lantern? I did not know that. He was called Bizarro Yellow Lantern, and instead of a lantern symbol on his uniform he had a candle. His powers were "similar to those of Green Lantern (until his ring ran out of power after twenty-four hours)". Ha ha! Yellow Lantern, you useless tool.

BLACK CANARY. There are two kinds of geeky fanboys in the world: those who are reduced to libido drippings by the site of the Golden Age Black Canary in her French-whore uniform with the black fishnets, and those who are not. I confess to being one of the former, though not proudly. The art here is by Terry Austin, which just makes it all the hotter.

BLACKFIRE. Blackfire is proof that the name-as-destiny concept in comics even applies to aliens: her name is Komand'r, and she grew up to be, well, a commander. She's also the sister of Starfire of the Teen Titans, who, despite being named Koriand'r, did not grow up to be a spice.

BLACKHAWKS. I always loved the goddamn Blackhawks, even though they were about the most repugnant ethnic stereotypes imaginable. You had Blackhawk, the rugged American leader with the square jaw; Stan, the big dumb strong Polack; Chuck, the cowboy-hat-wearing good ol' boy from Texas; Olaf, the tall, blond, Nordically incomprehensible Swede; Hendrickson, the goofy old Dutch asshole with a walrus mustache; Andre, the pencil-mustache-sporting Frenchman who was snooty and really loved the ladies, and best of all, a Chinese guy who wore coolie pajamas and was named -- no kidding -- Chop-Chop. Since I quit following the Blackhawks once Howard Chaykin lost interest in them, I have no idea if they eventually recruited a shuffling, lazy, jive-talking black guy named Rastus or a stingy, yarmulke-wearing dude named Shlomo, but I can only assume they did.