LUDIC LOG

There are, essentially, three types of web logs: the literary, the diaristic and the link-driven. This is the first type, and I have received a number of high-profile complaints that I do not divulge more of my personal life. Well, the truth is, I did keep a diary, when I was 15 and had just mastered time travel. A brief glimpse at its contents should convince that it was an experiment to which it's best I not return.

May 22, 977 AD: Roswitha is a total bitch. I mean it's worng to say that because she's a nun and everything but oh my total god. First of all her poetyr sucks. Second she insists that everybody call her "Roswitha of Gandersheim". Liek sometimes we will shorten it to Rosey or Witha or Gandy or whatever but no, it's got to be "Roswitha of Gandersheim". What a joke. I swear if she reads me one more poem about the suspended grace of heaven I'm going to tell her that she'll die in 23 years and be largely forgotten by all but the most dedicated midevalists.

September 13, 1863 AD: Well they went ahead and made Idaho a territory of the US. I tried to tell them it was a total waste of time that it was just going to be this lame state noboedy ever goes to and the license plates will say "famous potatoes" which is so gay, but nobody ever listens to me.

February 9, 999 AD: Well, diary the shit really hit the fan tonight. Boleslav I was fuckign around with some of the older kids and he figured that since the church wasn't paying attention (because of the whole millennium thing, like that's going to do anything I'm so sure) they would go ahead and conquer Silesia. Big man, right, conquering Silesia. I think some of them were drinking. Anyway, I told them that maybe they shouldnt' but they went ahead and did it anwya, and Boleslav called me a fag. So I got totally mad and said "no YOU are the big fag, Boleslav, because your stupid contry is going to get invaded like every two months for the next thousand years." That's when they threw me down the well.

October 14, 1700 AD: Oh God diary I am such a big stupid fat ugly loser. Me and Nanette went to see Farquhar's "The Constant Couple, or, a Trip to the Jubilee" at the Royal George, ad it wasn't all that funny so we got to talking and I said "oh, do you like William Croft's "Incidental Music to Courtship a la Mode?" like I was triying to be all hip and alternative whatever, and I tryied to say it in this really sexy voice and I must have sounded like a complete asshole because she just gave me this look like 'whatever, fatso creep'. Nobody will ever love me and I don't have any friends, not even Sewall. He just pretends to like me because I showed him how to use a Walkman.

March 14, 594 BC: I don't know what you heard but the Hecatompedon of Athens is a real fucking dump. I'm serious. I had to pee in a jar.