LUDIC LOG

Docket #14513. 8:28PM.

MR. JUSTICE STEPHAN. Mr. Bailey, your client is charged with second-degree dated referencing. How does he plead?

PUBLIC DEFENDER BAILEY. Not guilty, your honor.

JS. Mr. District Attorney?

DISTRICT ATTORNEY SHEPHERD. Your honor, the defendant was heard in front of a number of witnesses to use the phrase "hey, Macarena" while watching a military drill team practice.

PD: Your honor, my client is from Guatemala. I'd ask for clemency in light of the lag time in international cultural pollination.

JS: Agreed. $25 fine and time served.

DA: What was an immigrant doing watching a drill team rehearse for, anyway?

Docket #14518, 9:17PM.

JS: Mr. Halliday, this isn't your first time before this court.

DA: In fact, your honor, this is Mr. Halliday's fourth time before you on identical charges.

JS: Oh, honestly, Mr. Halliday. If this was a first offense...

PD: My client is asking for leniency, your honor.

JS: On what grounds? Punchline-stepping is a very serious charge.

PD: Hardship, your honor.

JS: What kind of hardship?

PD: Family circumstance.

MR. HALLIDAY: My wife is always ruining the punchlines.

DA: Hearsay, your honor!

JS: Like how?

H: Well, you know the one about the Eskimo who gets his snowmobile fixed?

JS: Yeah.

DA: That's a good one.

H: Last time she told it, she said it with "looks like you blew a tire" as the punchline.

DA: Ouch.

JS: Time served.

Docket #14521, 9:48 PM.

JS: Is this going to go on much longer, Mr. Bailey?

PD: It's necessary for the defense of my client, your honor.

MR. VITELLI: So the farmer's boss says, in the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head, and when it stops moving, you can pull it out and throw it in a bush. The farmhand says...

DA: Hey, wait I know this one.

PD: Your honor, please!

JS: I'm going to allow this.

DA: This is the one that ends with "the blue light on his bike is still flashing".

V: It is?

PD: Quiet, Jim.

JS: That joke is categorized as Class-6 played, Mr. Vitelli. Two hundred and fifty dollars and one week in lockup.

V: I thought it ended with the guy's brother giving up drinking.

PD: Quit while you're ahead, Jim.

Docket #14521, 9:48 PM.

PD: Yo mama so dumb she fell in love and broke it, your honor.

DA: Your honor, the defense is clearly forgetting that yo mama so fat that when she stepped on the scale, it said 'to be continued.

PD: It was clearly established, your honor, in Ridley vs. Wisconsin that yo mama so fat that when her beeper go off, people think she backin' up.

DA: That ruling was overturned in the 9th Circuit Court only last year, your honor, when it was ruled that yo mama so poor that she went to the 99-cent store and asked for a coupon.

PD: According to the police report, your honor, officers at the scene reported that yo mama so poor that she go to KFC to lick other peoples' fingers.

DA: But according to witnesses, yo mama so fat she went outside and got stuck.

PD: Inadmissible, your honor, because yo mama...she...what?

DA: Ha-ha!

JS: I find for the prosecution. Let's refer this over for sentencing and move on. And Mr. Bailey?

PD: Yes, your honor?

JS: Yo mama so fat I can stand on her belly and high-five God.

DA: Burn!