LUDIC LOG

With X-Men, X-Men 2 and Spider-man turning out to be actually good, Daredevil #1 in the nation despite blowing huge chunks of raw ass, The Hulk something of a mixed blessing, and Iron Man, The Fantiastic Four and Spider-Man 2 already in the works, I turn my 'attention' to what other beloved comics 'properties' are ripe for a big-screen 'treatment'. And I wonder: first, what Marvel characters are left to milk, and second, can a DC comic get a little love up in here?

Let's take a peek.

1. CAPTAIN AMERICA. In these days of car-flags and jolly jingoism, it would seem to be an ideal time for Captain America to hit the screen. I have it on good authority that Cap ceased to exist several years ago upon being accidentally exposed to toxic levels of Rob Liefeld, but that doesn't mean he can't smash some 'rabs in a theatre near you. I do recall that some time ago, there was a Captain America movie that went right down the shitter (also, I seem to recall a Punisher movie around the same time, and I also recall them both being played by Dolph Lundgren, but then I smoke a lot of buddha). But that only means it's time to rescue Cap's glorious mantle from the trash heap and reflect some kick-ass American glory. Projected casting: Jason Priestley.

2. DOCTOR STRANGE. What can I tell you? I'm a sucker for early Ditko. I always had a weakness for the Master of the Mystic Arts, and think of what could be done with the franchise on the silver screen: gratuitous Cleo action; Dread motherfuckin' Dormamuu; Baron Mordo, the world's lamest arch-villain; crazy-ass CGI effects; and Jet Li as Wong. There was (I again recall in my drug- and age-addled brain) a pretty decent Dr. Strange TV movie in the 1970s starring some anonymous dude with a man-perm, but since I'm too lazy to look it up on IMDB, I'm just going to pretend I imagined it. Projected casting: Cary Elwes.

3. MODOK. Okay, he's not a hero, he's a villain. Okay, so he's not even a money villain like Galactus or Dr. Doom. But I want a MODOK movie, goddamnit. You know they're not gonna use him in the "Iron Man" movie, the fuckers. He's a mental organism designed only for killing, for the love of Pete! If that's not Oscar fodder I don't know what is! I demand a big-screen appearance by MODOK or I will begin bootlegging Spider-Man 2 DVDs at the soonest opportunity, costing studios billions and killing that one stuntman you see in the coming attractions. Projected casting: Jason Biggs.

4. DR. DOOM. Speaking of villains. The Dr. Doom story is hella good drama -- parental loss, overweening pride, vanity, monomania. Plus, the motherfucker has his own country and an army of killer robots. Not even Sam Hamm could fuck that up. Well, okay, he could, but that's not the point. Sure, they might put him in the Fantastic Four movie, but also, it might suck, and even if it doesn't he deserves his own feature.  And, as if all that weren't enough, the soundtrack is already written! Just pay some royalties to Tuscadero, Kool Keith and MF Doom, and you've got my favorite ever supervillain PLUS a slammin' hip-hop album tie-in. Proper! Projected casting: Ralph Fiennes.

5. THE SUB-MARINER. Okay, Prince Namor, in the hands of a bad writer, is pretty boring. And all he's ever had are bad writers. Still, he's not as dull as Aquaman, and pretty soon, the studios will be scraping the bottom of the barrel for Marvel properties. I dunno, he could fight a giant whale, or Attuma, or some shit. Projected casting: Vin Diesel.

6. POWER MAN. Tell me how fucking Iron Fist gets a movie and not Power Man. Luke Cage is a super-bad-ass hero for hire. Luke Cage wears a pimp shirt and a chain for a belt. Luke Cage is so crunk that Nic Cage named himself after Power Man's black ass. The fact that they went with pussy Master of Kung Fu knock-off Iron Fist instead of his supa-playa partner is proof of just how racist Hollywood is. What, you think every black man in America ain't gonna run-not-walk to the theatre to see a Power Man movie? Luke Cage is Shaft with super-strength, you dumbasses. Make this movie. Projected casting: L.L. Cool J.

7. WONDER WOMAN. With Superman having transformed into America's most beloved wheelchair director, and Batman having transformed into America's crappiest ongoing movie franchise, that leaves only that gal in the satin tights fighting for our rights as the DC Big Three without a silver screen appearance. Now, I was never a big fan of WW, even in the George Perez era; she, like Prince Namor, was a big snooze who always got handed to crappy writers. But I nonetheless support a Wonder Woman movie, because I enjoy masturbation. Projected casting: Catherine Zeta-Jones.

8. GREEN LANTERN. I want them to do the Kyle Rayner version, and also he should die by slow torture at the end. Projected casting: Vincent Gallo.

9. THE FLASH. Okay, he's dead, or is Wally West, or is a girl, or something. But hear me out. I would like them to do a movie of the Barry Allen version of the Flash, and we should never see him. He should always be running so fast that he's totally invisible. Come on!  Admit it, that's a great gimmick.  We could get Stan Brakhage or Michael Snow to direct it.  (I guess probably Snow would be better since Stan is dead, but Stan Brakhage dead is a better director than almost anyone alive.)  The Flash would be represented as a micro-second long blur of light. And they should have the entire Flash Rogue's Gallery as the villains, because the Flash had the lamest enemies of all time. Projected casting: none.

10. THE BADGER. Hey, they ruined League of Extraordinary Gentlemen; why not ruin some other indie super-comics? Tell me the Badger wouldn't be a lot of fun in a movie. He's a batshit kung fu guy; his best friend is a billionaire wizard; he's an abusive alcoholic Viet Nam veteran with multiple personalities; he has lengthy, incomprehensible conversations with the ghost of Warren Oates; and he's completely fucking insane. That's something for everyone! Also, Mike Baron doesn't seem to have anything to do these days, so we could probably get him to write the screenplay for nothing. Demon-liquefying, paranoid-schizophrenic fun for the whole family! Projected casting: Owen Hart's reanimated corpse.