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05.09.2002
SELECTIONS FROM
"LIFE'S
LITTLE CONSTRUCTION WORKER:
Wisdom from
the Lips of Our Fathers and Their Drinking Buddies"
"A good set
of knockers is worth your mother."
~
"If something
breaks, hit it really hard to break it even more. That'll teach
it."
~
"Don't drink
foreign beers. They're too expensive, and if the country goes
to war, the last thing you want to do is get caught with some
swishy beer in a green bottle hidden away in the fridge."
~
"Linoleum
is okay, but try and get hold of some Congoleum. That shit was
great."
~
"Buying those
multi-colored metal ashtray sets is a purchase you'll never have
a reason to regret."
~
"Don't show
your dingus to another guy. If he sees it by accident, like in
the shower or something, okay, but if you show it to him on purpose
you're a queer."
~
"Hiding from
the cops is all well and good until some rat sells you out."
~
"Guys with
long hair are fairies or hippies, except Jesus. Odds are if you
meet one he's not Jesus, so you're probably okay beating him
up."
~
"Dogs are
man's best friend, but the minute one tries to bite your sack
you've got to put it down."
~
"Don't worry
if your kids start worshiping Satan. They're all doing it these
days. It's not so bad, really."
~
"Redheads
are fiery, which means it's okay to slap them around. They love
it."
~
"Always ask
for more money than you're worth. If the boss refuses, tell him
to go to hell. If he fires you, act like you're gonna come back
later that day and waste him, just to make him nervous."
~
"Just because
Russia is free now doesn't mean you can stop looking out for
commies. You can usually spot them by their smart-ass t-shirts.
Since the government isn't in the commie-killing business anymore,
it's up to you."
~
"Playing
a guitar is iffy. It's a rare man who can pull it off without
looking like a sissy. Ditto computer animation and lawn bowling."
~
"Now, where
the fuck did I put those keys?"
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"Church is
a great place to meet desperate, gullible middle-aged women."
~
"Join the
military, even if it's just for long enough to learn how to kill
people."
~
"God hates
homos, and just because you don't go in for all that religious
bullshit is no reason to not beat the shit out of them."
~
"Fags and
rock stars have ruined leather jackets for the rest of us. It
used to be okay to wear parkas, until the rappers took them away.
Nowadays I don't know what to wear when it's chilly."
~
"Drinking
is like...like...uh...hmmmm."
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