LUDIC LOG

THAT DARN GOD

We open on God, in his holy temple in heaven. He is the color of jasper and is as shining metal above and fire below. He has just turned on his divine television and grabbed a bowl of popcorn preparatory to watching "Annie". Enter stage left, clad in a red t-shirt reading "Tempter" and smoking a pipe, his ancient nemesis, Satan. God pointedly sprays air freshener around as Satan plops down on the love seat.

"Not you again."

"I love you, too."

"So, what brings you around here, buddy?"

"Hey, I gotta tell you, I was down there on earth sowing discord and I checked out some of your Chosen People. Pret-ty sharp bunch."

"You're darned tootin'! I'm very proud of those kids. I truly am. Especially that Job."

"Really!"

"Er...yes. Why?"

"Oh...no reason."

"No, honestly. What is it?"

"Well, I'm just surprised to hear you pick him out as an example, that's all."

"I don't see why. He's probably my most devout follower, and walks in my good grace in all that he does."

"Uh huh."

"What? What have you heard?"

"Look, it's nothing. Just forget it, okay?"

"If you want to stay and watch A Chorus Line you have to tell me what you mean."

"Listen. All I'm saying is that Mr. Hotshot I Love God Job is only singing your praises all day long because he's got it so good. I bet you five dollars that if you made things a little tough for hom, he'd be playing a different tune."

"No way! You don't know of what you speak, Accuser."

"Okay, fine! Since you know everything. What did you ask me for, then?"

"Hmph."

"Let's just watch the movie. Forget I said anything."

"..."

"Is this where they sing 'Shiiiiiine like the top of the Chrysler Building'? I love that."

"..."

"Isn't the kid from 'Kate and Allie' in this?"

"Okay! Okay! Make it tough on him, like how?"

"Here's what you do. You destroy all his possessions. You reduce him to poverty. You give his cattle the plague. You strike him with boils on every inch of his body. And you get rid of his wife. Oh, and kill his kids. All of them. All ten. One for each commandment, haw haw."

"You're crazy! I'm not going to do that to my most blameless and upright son."

"Okay, don't! See if I care. It was just a thought. Don't be so touchy."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Okay then."

"Okay."

"I mean, if you're happy having a fair-weather friend as your most trusted follower, I'm not going to complain."

"Five dollars. Deal."

"Right on."

"Are you sure this isn't just one of your stupid tricks, like that time you convinced me to drown every living creature on earth to prove how much I hated violence?"

"Absolutely."