LUDIC LOG

Thursday, 12:30 PM (TLC): Trading Spaces

"Don't Touch My Stuff": the gang visits Chicago, IL, where they get to work on the Albany Park six-flat occupied by underemployed layabout Leonard Pierce. Highlights: Leonard claims that if Frank touches any of his beer signs, he will "beat" Frank's "sorry ass in"; Leonard claims that the bottle of Mexican "Super Hero" brand strawberry fruit drink on top of his TV is "a valuable antique" and cannot be disturbed; Leonard drinks an entire bottle of Midori and tries to cop a feel off of Laurie Hickson-Smith.

Thursday, 1:00 PM (TLC): A Dating Story

"Heart of Gold": It's off to the Windy City, where our latest pair is upwardly mobile investment advisor Sheree Higgins and lumpenproletarian Leonard Pierce. Highlights: Leonard says there's no fucking way he's going to wear a tie; Sheree is surprised to learn that Leonard has no credit card, checking account, or automobile insurance or registration; Leonard asks the waiter if they sell Tuaca by the bottle; Sheree says, "What do you mean you're not white? You're obviously white. What are you talking about?"; Leonard declares the date "the worst in the history of human interaction" but nonetheless asks Sheree if she's up for a quick blowjob.

Thursday, 1:30 PM (TLC): A Makeover Story

"Dressing Down": Chi-town is in for a shock as hostile would-be novelist Leonard Pierce goes under the lights for a full body makeover. Highlights: Leonard rejects the idea of covering his tattoos with foundation, instead suggesting that the assistant producer "loan" him some money to get more tattoos; the wardrobe department is stymied by Leonard's demands that all clothing used in the makeover must consist of (a) jeans, (b) t-shirts and (c) clothing he already owns; an attempt to de-emphasize Leonard's gigantic, bulbous double chin is complicated by his determination to drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels while sitting in the makeup chair.

Thursday, 2:00 PM (TLC): A Baby Story

"Every Little Bit Helps": Busy Illinois couple Ron and Elisabeth Sigfried ask their friend, Chicago petty criminal Leonard Pierce, to babysit their beautiful baby boy Sherman. Highlights: Sherman gets his first taste of junior high school, as Leonard points out that he is bigger, stronger, smarter, and richer than the infant, and drives a better car too; Leonard tells the camera crew that he, personally, does not like children, while drinking an entire bottle of Maker's Mark; Sherman is cranky until Leonard reads him Derrida's Of Grammatology in its entirety until the baby falls into a boredom-induced coma.