LUDIC LOG

Since the ghastly events of September 11, 2001, Americans have searched their souls for an answer to the question, what could have inspired such insane, murderous loathing our this country? What had we done, individually or collectively, as a culture or as a nation, to provoke such detestation? Why, in short, do they hate us?

I have finally found the answer. The reason they hate us is because of the Oriental Trading Company's 2003 Summer Catalog (motto: "We bring FUN to your business!").

This document crossed my desk today and immediately became the single most loathesome symbol of American cultural production I have ever seen in my life. The cover alone is repulsive beyond description; it features a troika of the dorkiest white suburban office drones imaginable sporting idiotic grins and that lowest-common-denominator signifier of forced consumer fun, the glow-stick necklace. I taped this picture to the side of my computer at the office; my theory is that as I go through life, I will be faced with a number of decisions which will determine whether or not I am a worthwhile human being. And all I need to do is look at these three morons and ask myself what they would do, and do the exact opposite.

It only gets worse as you open the catalog. It's a collection of cheap, stupid, useless, mass-produced plastic crap. I would say that no one I know -- indeed, no one worth knowing -- would want to own any of these items, would indeed be loath even to touch them; and yet, they are the very sorts of things that are bought by corporations to add Satan's idea of a "fun, festive" atmosphere. Despite the name "Oriental Trading Company", the manufacturer is headquartered in the notably Occidental city of Omaha, Nebraska; the catalog's only connection to the orient is the Chinese prison slaves who undoubtedly manufacture this garbage by the billions of pieces. And despite the company's slogan ("We Sell Fun!"), there's nothing even a little fun about it. Owning any of the items therein would be less fun than the most un-fun thing you can think of run through an industrial-strength fun extractor.

The worst thing about it, though, isn't that it's all tacky, stupid, pointless, mass-produced shit. It's not that it's a bunch of toxic plastic dross that will slowly kill the planet. It's not that it's a consumer item for which there is no conceivable need whatsoever. No, it's that all this horrible jetsam has a patriotic theme. It's shitty little trinkets in red, white and blue, with purportedly inspirational jingoistic messages written on it. It's pro-American junk. If I was a foreigner and I saw this catalog -- or, more importantly, if I were a foreigner paid six cents a day to make this junk, since much of it is genteely labeled as being "imported" -- I would want to truck-bomb the next group of Yankees I could find. In fact, I want to do that now, and I'm an American. This catalog is so bad it makes me want to kill myself just for having been born here. This is our legacy to the world, folks. This is the fruit of 3000 dead in New York.

But what is it, exactly? Well, for the film-savvy among you, it's mostly the sort of worthless detritus referred to in Office Space as "flair": little bits and pieces of things that no one would ever want to have near their body, but nonetheless is meant to be 'fun'. There's also a lot of stuff you're supposed to put up in your depressing cubicle or dreary office to impart a sense of 'fun' to those areas, when in fact they simply make you more acutely aware of how you're wasting your single mortal existence. It is hard to imagine the sort of person who would be delighted by the placement of a six-foot inflatable plastic "jumbo monkey" in their work-cell, but the existence of the catalog assures me that such people must, somewhere exist. I have devoted my entire life to avoiding such people, but the Oriental Trading Company of Omaha, NE seeks them out.

What else do they have to sell? Let's take a look.

Why, here's a "metal USA gemstone cross", for people who wish to remind their co-workers that they are arrogant nationalists and arrogant Christians. There's the set of "metal patriotic symbol buttons", featuring such timeless wisdom as 'Proud to be an American!' and 'I pledge allegiance...'. For people who like to walk on the flag at the beach, there's the "plastic patriotic thong sandals". The innocuously named "plastic patriotic accessories" are, in fact, more stars-and-stripes crosses for the necklace-wearing Jesus freak who enjoys bombing Iraq. And speaking of people who should committ suicide, be sure to get them the "cotton patriotic teddy bear key chains"! What's that you say? You haven't had nearly enough cheap crap that combines jingoism with evangelism? Well, how about the "Nylon 'Pray for Our Nation' Bracelets"? And, for the truly patriotic soul who wants to look exactly like the retards on the cover of the catalog, you must have the "deluxe patriotic glow party tube collection", contaking 12 glow-stick necklaces, 12 glow-stick bracelets, 12 glow-stick lightsticks, and 12 "WILD WAFER" glowing thingamabobs. Only $49.95, in red white and blue!

But wait, there's more! No one can be truly 'fun' and truly 'patriotic' at the same time without a "foam-filled cotton sequin patriotic jumbo hat"! Just like Abraham Lincoln would wear if he didn't have a single scrap of dignity! The "cotton patriotic dog bandannas" let your domestic animal get in on the action of reducing our national character to a hollow, soulless consumer charade, and the "glass etched patriotic conversation stars" are sure to start up many a conversation that centers around such profound topics as 'U.S.A.', 'Pride', 'Honor', and 'I (heart) U.S.A.'. If all this patriotism is making you hungry, stuff your face using the "plastic patriotic salad set" and the "inflatable patriotic cooler", all the while thinking of how, in the countries where this crap was made, some people beg their alien gods for a single grain of rice to stave off starvation. The "polyplastic USA flag door cover" has 'God Bless America' written on it in huge letter, in case people don't get the point from the mere fact that it's a huge, five-foot American flag.

What's that you say? This stuff isn't mortifying and stupid enough for you? Well, the Oriental Trading Company of Omaha, NE ("We Sell Fun!") isn't going to let you down. Try the repulsive "One Nation Under God patriotic bookmark set"! Dare to wear the "patriotic Uncle Sam hat garland" in public and still convince people you're not an escapee from a mental hospital! We dare you, dare you to resist the allure of the "quilted patriotic angel door hanger", the "stuffed peekaboo Uncle Sam doll", or the "foam 'I Love U.S.A. magnet craft kit"! And, no, we haven't those people who want something to write on that mentions Jesus and the USA and also, for some reason, has plastic google-eyes on it: "patriotic 'God Bless America' googly-eyed notepads" are for you!

Myself, I don't go for all that flash. I'm getting something nice and simple:

"Patriotic Bomb Bags. Squeeze the mystical object inside the bag and throw. Explodes in 5 second."

Oh, yeaaaaaaaaaah.