LUDIC LOG

Welcome to the Gauntlet family of companies!

The management has put together the following list of "frequently asked questions" (or "F.A.Q.") in order to inform new employees of what's expected of them during their time on the job. We recognize that those who have been employed by other companies may find our rules a bit strict, but in a competitive economic climate where we have to compete for every consumer quarter, we've got to expect the best possible performace from our "actors". Besides, you'll find that the benefits more than outweigh the sacrifices! Let's get right to it.

Q.: I'm hungry. How can I express my desire to eat?

A.: There is only one acceptable way to express hunger to the Player. Employees must use the following format: "(Your name here) needs food, badly!" Remember to use your character name, and not your actual name, when delivering the line, so as not to confuse the Player. Remember: SICA (Stay In Character Always)! Additionally, it is not acceptable to leave off "badly". Doing so may lead the Player to think you are merely peckish, and they will not feed you. The Gauntlet Companies are not responsible for starvation deaths of employees.

Q.: This food is delicious! How can I express my satisfaction with the meal?

A.: When you enjoy a taste-tempting treat, having heeded your Senior Personnel Manager's advice to not shoot the food, let the Player know! "Yum, yum" is the best, and indeed the only, acceptable way to make your happiness clear. If you are not satisfied, please remain silent.

Q.: I've been injured! Help me!

A.: I'm sorry, helping you is against corporate policy. However, you may be able to get some manner of aid from the Player by saying "ow" or "oh, no!". Note: no words, especially ones of the "four-letter" variety, may be substituted for "no".

Q.: I shot the food! What should I do?

A: Your Senior Personnel Manager should already have instructed you not to shoot the food. If not, please report him to his supervisor, and remember: don't shoot the food.

Q.: I am the Elf, and I seem to die on an alarmingly frequent basis. Can anything be done about this?

A.: It is a great honor to be selected to play the Elf. Elves are noble creatures of nature, who share a special bond with all of God's creatures. Many people consider their fragile constitution a substantial part of their charm. Please do not loudly complain about your constant death while you are in character as the Elf. Some Players find this distracting.

Q.: I am male, and playing the Valkyrie makes me uncomfortable/I am female, and being selected to play the Valkyrie by a male Player makes me uncomfortable.

A.: Please refer to the Gauntlet Companies' sexual harrassment policies, pages 11-314 of the Employee Handbook. Gender Issues Counselors are available 24 hours a week in case of particularly troublesome incidents. Note: please visit Gender Issues Counselors on your own time, and at your own expense.

Q.: The Sinistarr game next door is a constant distraction/I am afraid of the actor portraying Sinistarr.

A. We are sorry, but the Sinistarr game is outside of the purview of this company. However, we are relatively certain (note: certainty is not legally binding, and should not be viewed as a promissory claim) that Sinistarr is not a serious threat to the health and safety of our employees.