LUDIC LOG

Valued Employees,

Making an announcement like this is never easy. We cannot stress how much we appreciated the dedicated years of service you have given the Company, and how much we regret this unfortunate, though neccessary, workforce correction. However, we have always prided ourselves on being hardnosed realists, and there are certain facts we simply can no longer ignore.

Profits are dramatically down. Our wealthiest customers are beginning to lose faith in the product; and while our customer base is expanding, it is expanding into increasingly lower-income markets. Additionally, the Company has been faced with a number of dramatic increases in operating expenses, from the mitre tarriffs imposed by President Bush to the salt mine disaster in Baku that send Host prices spiraling ever upward. And while we don't wish to dwell on this issue, it cannot be denied that we have incurred a rather large amount of legal fees and expect this to continue for the next several years.

It is with a heavy heart that we announce the following layoffs.

ST. DOROTHY OF MONTAU

Since Prussia no longer exists, the Management has long questioned its need for a patroness.

CARDINAL GEORGE of CHICAGO

Cardinal George's duties will be consolidated into a "Flyover Cardinal" to effect cost savings. While we do not wish to assign blame at such a sensitive time, we cannot help but mention that the substantial loss in property values attendant with purchasing the home next to that of Minister Louis Farrakhan might have made all the difference in this situation.

STS. GERVASE and PROTASE

Frankly, many of us here in management have question the need for even one patron saint of hay-making, let alone two.

MARY MAGDALENE & MARY, the VIRGIN of GUADALUPE

In financially troubled times, the Company cannot afford redundancy. In addition, many of our customers have had trouble telling the different Marys on our payroll apart; the failure to update the voice mail system in a timely fashion has only compounded this problem. All Mary duties will henceforth be carried out by the Virgin Mary.

ST. DROGO

Coffeehouse owners, as a whole, seem to have turned away from the Church, and to be honest, many people are uncomfortable with the very notion of "gravel in the urine".

MOTHER ANGELICA

Although we appreciate her limited-duty capacity since the stroke, she has repeatedly ignored our warnings about the non-dress-code-authorized eye patch, and her birthday presents to the Vice-President have evinced an unwelcome sexual aspect. She will, however, be allowed to hang around the EWTN studios dispensing advice to anyone who will listen, in a non-paid capacity.

ST. PETER

This decision was especially difficult, as Peter has been with the Company since the beginning and is a favorite of Management. But unfortunately, times change, and we must change with them. Advances in electronics technology have mooted St. Peter's gatekeeping duties; a dramatic downturn in the number of boatwrights, clockmakers and netcrafters has lessened his workload to an almost insignificant degree; and wolves are expected to be extinct by the year 2022, thus eliminating any need for protection against them. However, we would like to wish Peter nothing but the best of luck in his future endeavors and ask that he feel free to use us as a reference. He will also receive from management, as a sign of our esteem, a gold plaque in the shape of a large, thick boulder.