LUDIC LOG

"You wanted to see me, Mr. Ballard?"

"I did, Kiesler. It's about the account."

"Is there a problem, sir?"

"How I wish it were only one, Kiesler. I'm afraid it's an entire string of problems. Ones that, I fear, can only be solved by your replacement as our Accounts Executive for Germany and Austria."

"Could...could you be more specific, sir? I have to say I'm taken very much off guard by this news. I thought I had done good work on the Graf account."

"I'll be frank, Kiesler. When we hired you, it was not without some trepidation. You are, after all, not an experienced account manager, and your familiarity with overseas clients is likewise limited. I'm sure you're aware of the difficulties of selling an American beer in Germany, given the cultural perception of American brews as inferior and of questionable purity."

"I do understand that, sir, and that's why I've always been appreciative of your giving me a chance to prove that enthusiasm is more important than experience."

"So you said at the time we brought you on, and your presentation was admittedly persuasive. That's why you got the job. In fact, so impressed was I by your enthusiasm and excellence of character that I was willing to let your first slip-up go."

"Which slip-up would that be, sir?"

"The 'Graf is the beer with buzz' campaign."

"What was wrong with that one? I thought that one was pretty good."

"As did we. And the campaign had great success in both the U.S. and Great Britain. However, your team, apparently, erroneously translated it into German as 'the beer that gives you hives'."

"With all due respect, Mr. Ballard, I had the people resposible for that mistranslation fired."

"I appreciate that. But the subsequent retranslation came out as 'the beer that attacks you with angry bees'."

"Sir, German is a notoriously finicky language. It's hard to pin these things down with exactitude. It's more an art than a science."

"That was the argument I expected to hear from you, and I was perfectly willing to accept it. However, when you pitched us your next proposal -- 'Graf: the beer that tastes like America' -- it ended up being translated in the ads as 'Graf: the beer that hunches over a flowing pop smoky'."

"Well, that's...I don't know if I'd call it a pun, exactly, but..."

"It was then that I began to wonder if, in fact, you spoke German at all. I remembered how at our first meeting with the Bavarian distrubutors you simply smiled, nodded and said 'very much you're welcome' a lot."

"I had a cold that day."

"Even then I was unprepared to take drastic measures. So impressed was I with your verve and work ethic that I reasoned, 'so he doesn't speak German. People lie on their resumes all the time. He can learn.' It was only with your third campaign that I began to wonder if the problem was not incompetence, but malevolence."

"How do you mean?"

"You assured us, Kiesler, that your new slogan was 'Graf: the spirit of Germany, the flavor of America'. In fact, according to your new commercial, which I happened to see a videotape of thankfully before it was sent to the television networks, what it says is 'Graf: for killing a Jew or a German, the bloodthirsty beer'. This is unacceptable."

"I beg of you to give me another chance, sir."

"On what grounds?"

"You're a religious man, aren't you, Mr. Ballard?"

"I believe in the power of the Lord Jesus Christ."

"Are you familiar with Pascal's Wager?"

"Vaguely."

"Look at it this way: if you fire me and I really was incompetent, I will suffer for my sins in hell anyway. If you fire me and I was good, you will have done wrong and punished an innocent man. If you keep me on and I am good, you will have an excellent account manager; if you keep me on and I am incompetent, you will have at least followed the exhortation of Jesus to give people a second chance."

"Your argument is compelling, Kiesler, to a man of limited intelligence, which I have always flattered myself that I am. I will obey the dictates of the bright and morning star and give you another chance."

"Thank you, sir. You won't reget this. Would you like to come to my office and see the new pitch I've been working on?"

"What's it called?"

"It's called 'Graf: tastes the same coming out as it does going in'."

"Lead on, Mr. Kiesler. Lead on."