|
|
|
|
|
05.18.2004
In which I select songs from my music collection which are first-person declarative statements and apply them to my own life. Music is truth, my beautiful children: music is always truth. "I Ain't Mad at All" (Public Enemy): partly true. I am not mad right now, but sometimes I am mad. "I am a Cliche" (X-Ray Spex): true. In fact, I am any number of cliches, not just one. "I am a Poseur" (X-Ray Spex): true. Generally, I am not a poseur, but I have on occasion been a poseur. For example, right now, I am posing as someone who writes an interesting web log. "I am a Scientist" (Guided by Voices): false. I am not a scientist of any kind. In fairness, though, neither is Bob Pollard. "I am God" (Negativland): partly true. Although I am not God in the Judeo-Christian conception of God, some new age belief systems teach that we are, or at least are one with or are aspects of, the creator. I am easily as qualified to be God as the guys in Negativland. "I am Harry Partch" (Harry Partch): false. I am not Harry Partch. Harry Partch, on the other hand, was Harry Partch, making him the only person really qualified to perform this song. "I am Ready" (Dolly Parton): true. Ready as I'll ever be!!! (See? I told you I was a cliche.) "I am the Album Cover" (The Fucking Champs): partly true. Although I am not literally an album cover, the album cover for the record on which this song appears, like this log entry, is exceptionally boring. "I am Somebody" (Jurrasic 5): true. I am somebody. Although, in another sense, I am nobody. This is hard! "I am the Black Wizards" (Emperor): false. Even if I were a black wizard, I would only be one of them, and not several of them. I can, however, write in English better than Emperor, so I suppose I am the black wizard of proper grammar. "I Bombed Korea" (Cake): false. I completely deny having bombed Korea. My father, on the other hand, shot, shelled and possibly bombed Korea, but I believe that I am exempt from punishment for anything he might have done. "I Can't Breathe" (Barry Black): false. I can breathe, although this would be a different answer had he appended "Well" or "After Climbing a Flight of Stairs" to the song title. "I Can't Do Anything" (X-Ray Spex): false. I can do some things. For example, I can eat, masturbate, and write this shitty log entry. "I Can't Hide" (The Flamin' Groovies): false. I could hide if I wanted to. I am especially adept at hiding from creditors. "I Can't Wait" (Zipgun): false. I can wait. I just don't like waiting. "I Can't Wake Up" (KRS-One): false. I can wake up, and in fact, the older I get, the more I seem to wake up, usually to urinate. "I Don't Believe in the Sun" (The Magnetic Fields): false. I'd have to be pretty fucking stupid not to believe in the sun. Or evolution. "I Don't Love Anyone" (Belle & Sebastian): partly true. I in fact love lots of people, just not physically. "I Don't Play" (Kool Keith): false. I like a good game of Settlers of Catan as much as the next guy. "I Fell" (The Handsome Family): true. And man, I think I sprained something! "I Forgot" (Moldy Peaches): true. Wait, what was the question? "I Fought in a War" (Belle & Sebastian): false. That was my dad, remember? We've been over this. Please try and pay attention. "I Fought Pirahnas" (White Stripes): false. I hope never to fight pirahnas, because I have a feeling I would lose. Also, those fish in the Amazon that swim up the stream of your pee and latch onto your weenus. "I Get Around" (Langley Schools Music Project): true. I get around as much as the next guy, provided the next guy is also a big stay-at-home geek. "I Got 5 on It" (Luniz): true. Man, do I ever. Unless you are a police officer, in which case I don't know what this means. "I Got a Thing, You Got a Thing, Everybody's Got a Thing" (Funkadelic): true. It cannot be denied: everybody's got a thing. I have heard it said that in some remote and impoverished West African villages, there are people without a thing, but frankly, it's too horrible to contemplate. "I Got Drunk" (Uncle Tupelo): true. And I'm very, very sorry for what I did to your curtains. "I Had a Good Mother and Father" (Palace Brothers): true. They were okay, as long as you weren't Korean. "I Hate Milk" (Air Miami): false. I like milk. But this is a pretty good song, so I sing along and then apologize to milk later. "I Heard You Looking" (Yo la Tengo): do what now? "I Just Don't Like This Kind of Living" (Hank Williams): partly true. I'd prefer home ownership, but the apartment's in a pretty good neighborhood, and there's no roaches. "I Love Bob" (Ass Ponys): true. Well, maye partly true. I like Bob. But he's no milk. "I Love Livin' in the City" (Fear): true. I like livin' in this city, anyway. Fear's city, not so much. Plus, Lee Ving's house smells just like a zoo. "I Love Playin' with Fire" (The Runaways): true. Playing with fire is awesome! I've loved it ever since that unpleasantness at summer camp in 7th grade. My love for it has subsided a bit since that prison hitch, though. "I Need a New Tape" (Bongwater): false. Tape? What is this, the 16th century? "I Passed By the Building" (Jandek): true. I passed by a lot of them, in fact. I used to pass by more until WGN said I couldn't use their cafeteria anymore because the noises I made were scaring Skip Caray. "I Remember" (Low): false. I want to answer 'true' to this one, but I'm afraid the Moldy Peaches will beat me up. "I Remember Me" (Silver Jews): true. Some days that's all I can remember, am I right, folks? Ha ha! I'll be here until the bottom of the page. "I Run Rap" (Dr. Dooom): false. Forget it. If I say yes to this, every MC in the country is gonna come around to beat my ass. "I Saw the Light" (Hank Williams): true. Or, rather, I saw a light. It said 'QUIT BUGGING ME, HANK WILLIAMS'. "I See a Darkness" (Bonnie 'Prince' Billie): false. Man, what is it with you country singers? Make up your minds already, or pay your goddamn electric bill. "I Shall Be Released" (The Band): true. And so will you, if this interminable entry ever comes to a conclusion. "I Shatter" (The Magnetic Fields): false. The only circumstance under which this would be true is if I were immersed in liquid nitrogen, and frankly, I think Merritt's too much of a pussy to do it. "I Stand Accused" (Public Enemy): false. Not if certain people keep their goddamn mouths shut, I don't. "I Still Miss Someone" (The Minus Five): true. But I am spending a lot more time at the shooting range, so watch out, motherfuckers. "I Think I Need a New Heart" (The Magnetic Fields): true. There's no maybe about it. I eat a lot of meat and fried foods. "I Told Her Lies" (Robbie Fulks): true. Boy, did I ever! Don't say anything, though. "I Wanna Be a Stormtrooper" (The Anarchy Steering Committee): partly true. It seems like a pretty good gig, but mainly I'm in it for the uniforms. "I Want an Alien for Christmas" (Fountains of Wayne): false. I want the Kill Bill box set for Christmas. "I Want to Be an Anglepoise Lamp" (The Soft Boys): false. I don't even know what the fuck an anglepoise lamp is. "I Want to Be Loved" (Benny Goodman): true. Doesn't everybody? Desperately? Oh, God, I'm so alone. "I Was in the House When the House Burned Down" (Warren Zevon): false. I was nowhere near the house when the house burned down, and you can't prove otherwise. "I Will Survive" (Cake): false. I will die, just like everyone else except Gloria Gaynor. "I Wish I Was a Mole in the Ground" (Bascom Lamar Lunceford): partly true. What I really wish is that I was a mole in an interstellar spaceship. "I Wish I Was Ben Lee" (Moldy Peaches): false. I wish I was Bruce Lee, only not dead. "I Wish I Was Eighteen Again" (Flat Duo Jets): false. It didn't really work out for me the first time around. "I Wish My Baby Was Born" (Uncle Tupelo): false. I don't have a baby, and if I did, I would wish for it to go away and leave me alone. Or to win the lottery. I guess it would have to be born to do either of those things, but I think we're splitting hairs at this point. "I Won't Be Home No More" (Hank Williams): false. I'm home right now! Get off my jock, Williams! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Too many freeways, too much sun, too much abnormality taken normally, too many pink stucco houses and pink stucco consciences." (Clancy Sigal) |