LUDIC LOG

Guys:

Below I've attached a "shooting script" for the big broadcast on Friday! I'm excited, are you? I feel like young Mr. James Tiberius Kirk must have the day he assumed command of a certain storied vessel we all know and love. Anyway, I've included a few "talking points" and tip for you guys in the crew, who I want to again stress are every bit as important as me, the star. WARNING: I might go "off the script" from time to time; I've been taking improv classes at ComedySportz whenever I can get the car to go into the city, and there's always someone to partner with whenever there's not an odd number of people. Don't panic! We've got the airtime for as long as my credit card holds out, and the girl at First Chicago assured me I'm a valued Silver Cardmember. She was nice. I kind of hope she calls during the telethon, if you know what I mean! Anyway, my point is, don't panic if I go "off the script". Just let me go with it! It'll be worth it in the end. So, here we go!

ANNOUNCER: Live from Evanston, Illinois, it's the First Annual 'Rodney Hamrlik Sleeps With a Hundred Girls' Telethon!

(I figured we could save some money by just having me be the announcer. There'll be plenty of time when I'm not on stage. Ben, I know you've been wanting to break into radio, and have even been going to those trade school classes which I think are a waste of time but it's your money, but this is television, which is a totally different thing.)

ANNOUNCER: And now, here's your emcee, the Plate Captain of Pithy Comments, master observational comedian Wally Bagwell!

(Wally: start off with some "B" material -- it's a show business term meaning "not your best but still good" -- and save the heavy stuff for the second segment. I'd think about doing the thing about always seeing police cars at donut shops, and maybe the thing where you go "why would you want to be gay? Butts are where you crap". Say "crap" instead of "shit". Kids might be watching.)

WALLY: (your bit)

(Cut to me in the control room. I'm going to be wearing my "Not from This Planet" t-shirt and my high school basketball shorts, so women know I'm athletic. I thought about wearing the full ensign's uniform but first, it seemed a bit show-offy, and second, an ensign doesn't really connote the kind of commanding personality I want to project.)

ME: Hello, friends. I'm Rodney Hamrlik. Fifteen years ago, when I was 12 years old, Kelly Porzyski, the playground bully at Earl Butz Middle School in my home town of Chicago, Illinois, taunted me in front of the other kids at recess, during a game of dodge-ball. In front of my peers, my teachers, and even my little brother Franklin who worshipped me like a god, Kelly Porzyski called me "gay".

(Show the re-enactment of the incident. I think Cindy's little brother is great as a young me, even though he's blond. Slow down the soundtrack when Kelly says 'Rodney, you're so gay!', so it makes him sound like the devil.)

ME: That incident was devastating to my life. My grades suffered, I gained weight, my skin broke out into horrible blemishes, I became socially awkward, and eventually I dropped out of high school. Worst of all, little Franklin never made it. Just last year, he lost his life in a boating accident on Lake Michigan.

(Show the photo of Franklin from his Delta Phi Tau orientation booklet.)

ME: The police say he was drunk when his boat took the fatal turn into the pier that day. But I know that his drinking problem was just a symptom of his shattered confidence in me, his hero. The very day that Kelly Porzyski made his cruel and unfounded charge, I made a vow to redeem myself by showing the world how wrong he was -- by sleeping with a hundred girls on national television.

(Show the tote board here. It should go from 1 to 100, and start out at 1. You know, that Canadian girl I told you about.)

ME: Now, I haven't let this terrible experience ruin my life. I have prevailed against incredible odds. I've lost some weight; my skin is starting to clear up; I've started taking folklore & mythology classes at Oakton Community College; and I've got a great job hosting the server for a number of web sites, including the second most popular "Star Trek: Enterprise" fan site on the internet, which provides me with an income well in excess of the minimum wage. Not only that, but my personal life is rich and fulfilling; I'm considered one of the Midwest's leading authorities on "Star Trek: Enterprise" trivia, and express myself creatively by writing filk songs on a variety of subjects, especially the romantic relationships between various members of the Legion of Superheroes.

(Show the collage I made of "Star Trek: Enterprise" jpegs, and play the tape of "My Two Hearts Will Go On" -- the Bouncing Boy/Duo Damsel relationshipper filk.)

ME: But there's really only one way to save my life and honor the memory of little Franklin, and that's by sleeping with a hundred girls on national television to prove I'm not gay. Now, for some reason, I've not been as lucky in love as I'd like, I've somehow lost track of Kelly Porzyski, and my job, although rewarding, can't keep this telethon on the air forever. So I'm reaching out to you, the American people, for help. Won't you pledge your time, your money, or in the case of the ladies, yourself, to make me whole again, and to prove to Kelly, who I'm sure is watching, that I'm a real man? Just $100 will pay for a days' meals for myself and the crew; $500 will take care of our union cameraman for the day; and most importantly, one girl's pledge will reduce by 1% the number I must reach to refute Kelly Porzyski's unjust slander. Here's just a few reasons why you should give.

(We should switch off reading the points below between the announcer -- me -- and someone else. Again, I know Ben wants to break into doing cartoon voice-overs someday, but Ben, this is a lot more important than "Animaniacs". We need a more mature presence. I was thinking my dad, or if he's not available, the guy who runs the Chinese place next to Windy City Comics.)

- Rodney is a wealthy man with over $500 in the bank, and a guaranteed income for as long as "Star Trek: Enterprise" remains on the air.

- This telethon provides top-drawer, classy entertainment, from filk songs and cutting-edge observational humor to live call-in trivia contests and mix tapes of instrumental synthesizer music.

- Rodney is healthy and vigorous, with no social diseases.

- Do it for little Franklin.

- Rodney has acquainted himself well in the ways of love, and has pored over endless research materials to learn how to please a woman. From the moment he takes off your bra to the moment he ejaculates across your stomach or lower back, Rodney guarantees satisfaction.

- What else is there to watch on television on the third weekend in January?

- Doing something good for a good cause will make you feel better about yourself, and make you a better person than you are now.

- National TV exposre could mean stardom for you!

- Because you care about him. And he cares too.

- The first 10 donations of $100 or more will receive a special gift: a printout of a downloaded picture of Teri Hatcher on 100% recycled paper, personally autographed by Rodney himself!

- To prove that bully Kelly Porzyski wrong once and for all.

(Cut back to Wally. This is the time for the "A" -- the best -- material. Try the one about how bad homeless people smell, or that cheap girl you dated who wouldn't pay for dinner. Phone guys: this is when the calls start rolling in! Don't take any calls from Kelly Porzyski.)