LUDIC LOG

INCIDENT LOG, 05.22

1900 hrs - arrived for duty - relieved Duty Officer Lothar the Civic

1907 hrs - dispatch: Royal Dungeons, Dwarf City of Kang - 12 kobolds - DO action: disposal - valuables left at scene: none

2042 hrs - dispatch: Slag Pits of Morthor - 3 firedrakes - DO action: 2 disposals, 1 transfer to Humane Society - valuables left at scene: none

2111 hrs - received call from city of Hillendale - caller said can you get rid of these three bandits - DO responded this is Dead Animal Pickup - caller said yeah so what - DO responded those aren't animals, those are people - caller said so what am I supposed to do - DO referred caller to Health & Human Services - caller said I'd rather not get the authorities involved - DO gave number of reputable organ harvester

2124 hrs - dispatch: Fen of MacHeath - 6 plague slugs - DO action: 6 disposals (see Hazardous Duty Report forms, attached) - valuables left at scene: none

2250 hrs - received call from Floating Skyland of Haramoth - caller said I got a bunch of ghouls who are really riding my ass - DO responded this is Dead Animal Pickup - caller said yeah but technically these things aren't alive which means they're sort of like dead right so doesn't that mean you can get rid of them - DO responded sorry dude doesn't work that way - caller said look man I just made 4th level can you help a brother out - DO responded no can do - caller said do you know any good priests at least - DO put caller into voice mail

2420 hrs - dispatch: Graveyards of Krim - 2 cockatrice - DO action: it turned out there were a bunch of kids who wanted to mug me - it was all these goth kids who figured that since I was always cleaning up wandering monster bodies I would have a bunch of treasure, so they'd make a fake call and when I got out there they'd totally jump me - DO responded you gotta be kidding dude you people pick every corpse clean, what's supposed to be left when I get there, you even pull out gold teeth - goth kids said never mind and also some rude words - valuables left at scene: none

2440 hrs - dispatch: Wild Lands of Koranthion - 1 adult red dragon - DO action: there is no way I am touching that thing without at least 2 other guys to help out, they weigh like a million tons - valuables left at scene: none

2516 hrs - dispatch: Graveyards of Krim - 3 goblins, also 1 2nd-level necromancer - DO action: 2 disposals - it was the same goth kids from before - they said aren't you gonna do anything with our friend - DO responded not my job, I just do animals - they said I should go f--- myself then - I said you must be pretty much a bunch of pussies that you got your asses handed to you by three goblins (see attached Customer Complaint Form) - valuables left at scene: 1 CD of Nine Inch Nails "The Downward Spiral" (used)

2600 hrs - waited to be relieved by Kevin the Generally Affable

2642 hrs - Kevin the Generally Affable called - he says he's not coming in anymore - DO responded why not? - Kevin says he has a girlfriend or something - DO responded whatever dude