Une Royale Avec Fromage, Et Le Font Rapidement

Burger King. A small café-style restaurant specializing in sandwiches and pressed poultry shapings, the self-styled monarch of ground beef is a reliable, if uninspiring, stop. Although they have recently given their menu a complete makeover, the changes appear to be largely cosmetic, largely consisting of giving the sandwiches more evocative names. In its favor, the Burger King is far and away the closest restaurant to my apartment, reachable on foot in less than three minutes, and is extremely affordable. This cannot make up for the unfortunate atmosphere, however; surly teens run a Hobbesian fiefdom in the parking lot, rats are a persistent problem, the public address system plays archaic pop music that can be heard as far away as my back patio, and few things are as disconcerting as the summer phenomenon of waking up to the smell of burning, anorectic hamburger meat. Rating: 0.

7-11. The name is confusing; seeming to suggest the establishment's hours, the numbers become meaningless when it is discovered that the 7-11 is in fact never closed, except for during the odd renovation, conflict with the Health Department, or aftermath of a drunken motorist driving his car through the front door. Whatever the hour, the Arab-owned 7-11 is the table of choice for those who find fresh food unsavory. Featuring a baffling display of canned, processed, preserved, salted, jerkied, refrigerated, frozen, and vacuum-sealed foodstuffs, the 7-11 is also embarrassingly rich in beverages that have sugar and water as their base: from sports beverages to sodas to "juice drinks" to disconcertingly sweet wines and beers, the 7-11 is heaven for the sucrose connessieur. For those who prefer hot meals, there is an industrial-strength microwave, and the house specialty: semi-heated pastries stuffed with various indiscernable ingredients and placed on an ingenious roller device. If you are unable to tell which type you ordered, just take a look: it's written right on the pastry shell in some sort of presumably non-toxic ink. Rating: *

Taco Bell/KFC. The cryptic initials once stood for "Kentucky Fried Chicken", but employees are reluctant to discuss their current signification. Nonetheless, this is the most popular restaurant in the Irving Park & California area, catering to not only fans of fried & breaded chicken residue, but also those who enjoy beans, cheese, ground beef, lettuce and tomatoes deployed in any of over 30 permutations. The Taco Bell/KFC's unique greasy odor can be picked up for miles, sometimes overwhelming even the scent of the artificial flavor factory down the road. For fans of French dining, the waitstaff here is as surly, rude and unresponsive as those of the finest maitre-d's in Paris; ask for the new KFC-side waitress by name (it's Tamiqua or something) for a heart-stoppingly inefficient and uninvolved money-for-fast-food experience. Rating: *

Taco Burrito King. For those who prefer their south-of-the-border dining slightly less inauthentic and horrible, the Taco Burrito King is a very worthwhile stop. The food is not only not awful, it often approaches somewhat good, depending on the inclination and attitude of the chef and how anxious he is to go home. Featuring a full line of burritos, tacos, tostadas, tortas, full meals, and appetizers, the Taco Burrito King also offers those seeking a semi-illicit thrill authentic, sugar-charged Mexican soft drinks. The atmosphere is likewise a treat, with excellent mariachi music, a cute girl who makes horchata, and festive wall posters inspired by deceased erotic artist Patrick Nagel. Rating: **

Subway: Featuring quasi-fresh sandwiches on a variety of crypto-fresh bread, the Subway store is popular with local teenagers and parents who like to pretend that the food there is healthful. Unfortunately, since the debut of mortifying spokescreature "Jared", our reviewer has been unable to set foot in the place. Rating: 0.

Lo's China Kitchen: Run by a gregarious ex-police detective from Hong Kong, Lo's is without question the finest restaurant in the eastern Albany Park area. The regular menu is made up of of delightful Cantonese cuisine, authentic regional variants, and truly worthwhile house specials; additionally, if you attempt to learn a few words of Chinese, Lo will allow you to order from the "locals" menu, which is kept out of sight of less adventurous and/or sucidal diners. The staff is pleasant and friendly, the atmosphere is minimalist but not terrifying, and the food is excellent. Best of all, Lo's has a second restaurant (Lo's China Chef) directly across from the first one, this one a dine-in establishment with charming decor, a more ambitious menu, and a delightful array of potent alcoholic beverages. Rating: ***

Shamino's Pizza. This pie-and-pasta establishment has only just opened, and while early reports are good, it is owned by the same people who operate the 7-11, and our reviewer has expressed some dismay at the prospect of the Arabic interpretation of pizza. Rating: incomplete.

Manny's Dog House. Chicago-style grill 'n' grease dining at its absolute zenith. Manny's features the full spectrum of pulverized pork tubes, locally produced on the south side and grilled and festooned with savories for your greasy-brown-sack enjoyment. (Do not dine in at Manny's; it is depressing and slightly terrifying.) Brawurst, Polish, wet and dry beefs, salad dogs, and what is purported to be "the U.S.A.'s best double cheeseburger" all await those who want a shot at the food that made Chicago burly. If you're lucky, the culinarily gifted Manny will actually be in the restaurant (he's the one who looks like he's not only capable of beating a man to death with one hand, but in fact has done so, many times), and will favor you with one of his charming stories about people, places, things, and ideas that he does not like. Rating: ***

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