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05.25.2004
Hello. My name is Milton Ferber, and I am the co-assistant director of the public relations division of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. I used to be the Assistant Secretary of the Interior, but that was before the change in administration and the incident with the birch tree. Now I am working for the DHS, which is not unionized. I would not have chosen this career path, personally, had I been fully in possession of my senses, but that is between me and the attorney for the Pfizer corporation, and certainly not anything that you, the citizens of the United States, want to hear about. Anyway. I am not here to rehash the ups and downs of my career, and what did or didn't happen due to an accidental overdose of Relpax. I am here to explain in greater detail a pioneering program we here at the DHS came up with that has apparently caused some confusion and anxiety amongst American citizens. As a chronic sufferer of anxiety and a user of Zoloft, which by the way does not feature anywhere on its label a warning about using it with Relpax in the vicinity of a national forest, I know how troubling anxiety can be. I would therefore like to walk you through the Department of Homeland Security's color-coded alerts system. The lowest condition, also called "Low Condition", is coded green. Just like a green light, which means "go" -- as in go ahead an move through the intersection -- the green alert also means "go" -- as in go on about your daily business secure in the knowledge that there is very little chance of a terrorist attack. Citizens should face a Green Alert day as they would approach a day of total peace, tranquility and calm the likes of which they have not seen, perhaps, since before leaving their mother's womb, or, in the case of test tube babies, their mother's tube. Personally, I call Green Alert periods 'two-Zoloft days', reflecting the very low number of antidepressants I need to get through one of them without weeping. And just as two-Zoloft days are good for my wallet, given the DHS's stingy health insurance policies, Green Alert periods are good for America's wallet, as citizens may shop, work and travel freely with almost no possibility that they will be consumed in a raging inferno of jet fuel. Unfortunately, since instituting the color-coded alert system after September 11th, there have been no Green Alert periods, and a private study commissioned by the DHS found that the only conditions under which one would occur would be if everyone on Earth except for the president and most of his cabinet-level officials were killed in a big fire. But you shouldn't let that stop you from thinking of it as a "red letter day", as the ancient Greeks, who lived in a simpler time, might have called it. Except it is green, and not red. Moving on to the second-lowest alert level, we find "Guarded Condition", also known as threat level blue. Now, many people have noted that blue, which according to my therapist Dr. Schoenweis who I pay out of my own pocket while trying to defend the safety of my nation while people at the Department of Weights and Measures who don't even do anything get mental health benefits through their union is a very soothing color, is actually lower on the color wheel than green, and thus should be a lower threat level. Well, the fact is, we wanted to bring in some interior designers and color experts when we were putting together the program, but the President didn't give us the go-ahead because he had heard that interior desingers were all homos, and he didn't want to risk pissing off the religious right. So we had to rely on Tom Ridge's judgment, and frankly, he's color-blind. Now, I know you guys are all reporters, but keep that under your hats, okay? I could get in trouble. Anyway, the main thing you want to know about Blue Alert periods is that we aren't going to have any of them either. I call these a 'three-Zoloft day', or roughly equivalent to a typical weekend in which you don't have to work and you don't see any pretty girls who remind you of your inevitable aging and sexual decline. The middle ground, or 'golden mean', is "Elevated Condition", or threat level yellow. This is the default setting for America moving forward from today, and it means that there is a significant risk of terrorist attacks, deadly assaults, or panic attacks brought on by someone telling your mother that you can't keep your pants on around particularly shaped trees. This is what I call a 'four-Zoloft', or 'typical', day. When we're at code yellow, it means that we don't have any specific information, any details about when, where or how an attack might occur, or what anyone should do about anything, but we're assuming that everyone in the world hates us and might lash out at us at any moment, and with good reason, because of our belligerent foreign policy, exploitative economic hegemony, or status as a fat old man who is a total failure and whom nobody will ever love. On yellow alert days, citizens are advised to stay on their guard, although we're not really sure what that means, and local law enforcement should take extra precautions in hopes that one day the federal government will pay them back for the expenses they incur. Yeah, good luck with that one, local law enforcement. Hold your breath. I'm still waiting to get my travel expenses reimbursed for SecurityRama '03, and that was in July. 'High Condition' is the second-highest, er, condition there is. It is termed threat level orange, denoting a high risk of terrorist attacks. To answer a question I myself posed at the first staff meeting I went to after the unfortunate tree incident, no, this does not mean you can sue the government if there is not a terrorist attack. Code orange means that we have received credible information about imminent terror activities, even though we still can't tell you what they are, when they will take place, where they will occur, or how they might be stopped. Just as with all other levels of alert, however, citizens are still encouraged to shop as normal, buy consumer goods and services, and most of all, drive. You can best help your country at this time by funneling money into the economy with the purchase of luxury items and high-quality pharmaceuticals, although I would personally beware of any made by Pfizer, and by maintaining a low level of nervousness and stress that you have no idea what to do about. You can channel this negative energy into shopping, voting against a Democratic candidate for something, or filling your automobile with gasoline. In my own terminology, I call orange alert periods a 'five-Zoloft' day, indicating a period of slightly-above-average stress, such as might coincide with traumatic events such as leaving one's house, going to work, or having to interact with ethnic teenagers. The final and highest level is 'Severe Condition', indicating a severe risk of terrorist attacks, also known as threat level red. A red alert day would, in practice, only take place during an actual terrorist attack, and so, like levels green and blue, is largely theoretical in nature. During an actual red alert, no public announcements would in fact be made, as we would be too busy hiding under our desks in the bunker to make them and you would be too busy dying to hear them. During a red alert, citizens are encouraged to pray to whatever gods they hold dear, kiss their asses goodbye, and spend bittersweet final moments with loved ones, pausing however briefly to shop, and also drive. I call the red alert period the 'half a bottle of Zoloft and a fifth of Everclear' day. Any questions? |
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