LUDIC LOG

We open on God, puttering around in His kitchen after just having fed some kibble to the multi-eyeballed, lightning-spitting chant beast. He's thumbing through the sports page. His back is to us so we don't go blind from his radiant majesty. Suddenly, Satan, wearing a rumpled tuxedo with a loose bow tie and carrying a martini, pokes his head around the corner and comes in through the sliding patio door.

"Hey there, neighbor!"

"Well, well. If it isn't the man downstairs."

"You're in a chipper mood today!"

"I sure am. I just had a delicious glass of milk and fed my dog, and now I'm going out to the North Slope to do some gardening. And unlike some people, I got a good night's sleep."

"Is that some kind of a crack? From you?"

"Well, honestly, Satan. You look like you slept in those clothes."

"Shows how much you know."

"Oh, really?"

"As it happens, I didn't sleep at all. Those supermodels! They can wear an embodiment of evil out."

"I'm sure you find that very fulfilling."

"Hey, we can't all be married to the Church."

"Jape all you want, Tempter. Nothing you can say will bring me down today. I'm in a great mood and everything is as it should be under My sun."

"Really."

"Yes! Really!"

"I guess I'm just a little surprised to hear that. I thought you'd be worried about Islam."

"Islam? Why should I be worried about Islam?"

"You know. Because of the whole 'fastest-growing-religion' thing."

"What?!?"

"Don't you read the block association newspaper? They nabbed the title a couple of months ago."

"Oh, no. That's awful."

"I know."

"I mean, I try, you know? I try to be nice. I want to be nice."

"People take advantage."

"And Islam! I wouldn't mind if it was the Jews or those crazy people with the dots. But Islam is so...so violent! It's just so not like me."

"You'd think they'd have learned after what you did to all those Baal worshippers."

"Well, congratulations, Satan. You've managed to bring me down on the happiest day of the year so far."

"Oh, hey, man, I didn't mean that at all. I was just worried about you! You know what would teach them, I bet?"

"I don't think I want to know."

"Remember how well the Crusades worked out?"

"Actually, I dont' think they..."

"Trust me. Everyone talks about it down there. The Children's Crusade is considered a high point of the failth."

"Really? Gosh."

"Who loves you more than kids?"

"You've got a point."

"So, what you should do is, bring that spirit back! Tell some of those kids at the celibacy camps or whatever you call them..."

"Vacation Bible Schools."

"Whatever. Anyway, tell a couple of them to strap some plastique to their rompers and walk into a mosque."

"Are you serious? What good is that going to do?"

"Come on. What's the fastest-growing religion, buddy?"

"Islam. I guess."

"And they blow stuff up all the time. So, if you beat them at their own game, there'll be less people converting to Islam, and therefore...?"

"Less people blowing themselves up?"

"Exactly. It'll actually save lives, if you think about it."

"Well...if it'll save lives..."