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LUDIC LOG
05.26.2004

PART A -- Sentence Completion

Complete the sentences below by selecting the choice which best fills in the blanks.  Do not guess; guessing may lead to the conjuration of ancient and malevolent earth demons.

1.  Mrs. Johanssen is an excellent ________ because of the _______ she gives to her students.

(a) tennis player...thumbtacks
(b) dealer...crack rocks
(c) heart surgeon...heart surgery
(d) lay...blowjobs
(e) well...touch, I do confess it

2.  If we don't find the map quickly, it will be ________ to ________.

(a) coals...Newcastle
(b) unnecessary...procreate
(c) six miles...Naperville
(d) pizza...go
(e) impossible...refrain from murdering you

3.  ________ have plagued our society for many years, but a solution may yet be found if we are willing to ________.

(a) Spit ends...find the proper pH balance
(b) Burritos...eat them
(c) Jews...kick some sheenie ass
(d) Testicles...have sex change operations
(e) Things...whatever

4.  Jeanette was widely regarded as ________ thanks to her tendency to ________.

(a) fat...weigh 473 pounds
(b) female...conceive
(c) a cigarette...smoke
(d) Canadian...clean up after herself
(e) popular...take her shirt off

5.  On his way home from ________, Dr. Renfrew suddenly remembered his ________.

(a) her funeral...mama
(b) the hospital...incompetence
(c) Hell...subwoofer
(d) an alley behind a convenience store...member
(e) suicide...purpose in life

6.  After repeatedly testing his hypothesis, the scientist concluded that ________ was ________.

(a) America...waiting
(b) he...late
(c) astrology...scary
(d) a stroke...imminent
(e) holding infants underwater for six minutes...fatal

7.  Many people rely on the president to provide ________ in times of ________.

(a) tax cuts...vast wealth
(b) comforting words...slight inconvenience
(c) distraction...suspicion
(d) amusement...despair
(e) war...peace

8.  When Mr. Caulfield removed his ________, the first thing I noticed was his ________.

(a) pistol...valid point
(b) tumor...dexterity
(c) penis...departure
(d) hard drive...failure to create a back-up disc
(e) pants...arrest

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TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "The directing of a picture involves coming out of your individual loneliness and taking a controlling part in putting together a small world.  A picture is made.  You put a frame around it and move on.  And one day you die.  That is all there is to it." (John Huston)