LUDIC LOG

First of all, Tommy, let me explain why I'm sending this to you in the form of an e-mail instead of telling you in person. I know you. I realize you don't want me to; you're a very private man and you like to think that you're hard to read, that you keep your own counsel. But I know you. The time I've spent with you gives me a unique insight into that beautiful soul of yours, and I realize how sensitive and emotional you can be beneath that tough-guy exterior. And I also know that you're a suspicious person, and that you're immediately going to jump to conclusions because of things you think I said about your smell. So let me tell you right off the bat that it doesn't have anything to do with that, and you should ask yourself why certain people are telling lies about me.

Second, I want to clear something up about my last e-mail: I hear you've been going around telling Rick and Dierdre and the rest of your crew that I broke up with you. Let me say: what? I never broke up with you, and if you think I did, then you just misread what I was saying pure and simple. I love you. We share a heart. I don't want to break up with you, especially not after just one date (one date in which I found my soulmate!), and I don't know where you got the idea that I would. Before you bring up the "I never want to see you again" thing, that was followed up by "dating another woman, because it would devastate me". That part got eaten by my Outlook which I'm pretty sure has a virus. In fact you might want to delete this message after you get it.

Hannah has been telling people that I said you were a fat ugly loser. Now, I can address that specifically (long story short: it's a lie), but before I do, let me say that Hannah is my best friend and she has been since junior high. But she is also a totally devious manipulative bitch. I know that some people who I won't name names of because I don't like gossip unlike Hannah have been saying that I just changed my mind about you all of the sudden when you won the Powerball. Well, I hope we've known each other well enough these six weeks of History of the Americas that you can see that I'm not that kind of person. I was super friendly with you before you won the $57 million; remember I said that I hung out with you because you had a car? You didn't have all the money then. Just a car. A lot of my friends have cars. But you were special. I'm not the kind of person who will treat a guy like shit and then be nice to him when he gets lucky. Unlike Hannah, who completely is the kind of person who will be nice to your face and then stab you in the back because she's jealous of the relationships you have. Also, needless to say, you are not fat; you're tall. Tall guys aren't fat, they're husky. You're not ugly; you're a beautiful man. And as for anyone who thinks you're a loser, all I can say is, tell that to the Indiana Lottery Commission.

Now I know that you have that really sarcastic sense of humor, and I think that's one of the cute things about you. I mean sexy. I certainly wouldn't hold it against you, like in the way of withholding sex maybe, that you said the things you did in your letter. But I do want to clear things up: when I said to Tim that it was "bullshit" that you asked me out in the first place, I meant it as a compliment. I know this sounds lame but it's so true. I don't know if they use it that way in Nebraska, but you grew up in a total small town. Here in Indianapolis people use "bullshit" like they're in awe of you, like when you say "man, that guy has guts" or "he's got real balls". We say "that guy was total bullshit", like can you believe how bold he is? It's like when you say someone is a bull meaning they're really strong or bull-necked meaning they're big and tough. Not fat.

Finally, no, I am not still dating Andre Rimini. I was dating Andre Rimini until I met you. (And I emphasize, when I met you, not when I found out you won the Powerball.) But that all changed when Mr. Tommy Keifer walked into my life. I have been trying to break up with him ever since. And as you should know, breaking up with someone is tough -- you (totally wrongly!) thought I was trying to break up with you! The fact is, and I hope you would respect and appreciate this, I care for him enough to let him down easy. But it's over between us, because while you and I are one soul and mind in two bodies, he and I are very different people. The only thing left between us now is sex (which is why I'm still sleeping at his place). Our relationship -- yours and mine -- is a profound and meaningful love, while Andre is hanging on to the only thing he ever valued about me. Well, let him have it, I say! We've got something more.

Darling, I know when you read this, and more to the point when you open the attached .jpg I took of myself in the bathroom yesterday morning, you will understand. Not forgive -- I've done nothing that needs forgiven. But you will understand. You will believe. You will know. And you'll send the limo.