LUDIC LOG

Tonight, the Ludic Log presents the first in an ongoing web-based "reality series", where we take a look inside the workings of one of the world's most presitgious institutions: the Legions of Terror. Join us periodically as we look at two young recruits -- John Francis, 22, and Miguel Rivera, 19 -- as they are molded from raw clay into the internet's most feared quasi-fascist paramilitary cult.

DAY 1: The recruits discuss their motivations for joining the Legions of Terror.

John Francis: "The uniforms are totally bad. I mean, black leather. That's, like, the ultimate. And those red like jacket-things that the officers wear, with the big skull on them. I want to get one of those."

Miguel Rivera: "It seems like all you hear about today is terrorism. What can we do about terrorism, where is the next terrorist attack going to come from. It's like the whole world is under the thumb of terror. So, it didn't take a genius to figure out that terror is the place to be right now. And who knows more about terror than the Legions of Terror? I decided right away that's where I wanted to go."

JF: "I want to learn some skills for the future that I can really use. Like, you know. Yelling at people. Because I might want to be a manager someday."

MR: "Do you think we'll get cool nicknames?"

JF: "Dude, totally. Everyone gets a bad-ass name when they pass basic. It's part of the code, or something."

MR: "What are you gonna get?"

JF: "I want mine to be 'Frankoth the Burner'. Because of my name, Francis, and because I like to burn shit. What about you?"

MR: "I dunno yet. Maybe something about chemistry."

JF: "That's weak."

DAY 5: It's not all leather jumpsuits and burning shit at LoT boot camp. The boys soon learn that there's plenty of grueling hard work.

MR: "I didn't know there'd be so much pummeling. Of us, I mean. I thought that most of the pummeling would be of other people."

JF: "Yeah, but dude, it's like our instructor, Karon the Belittler, said: every beating we take is a beating that we will someday get to inflict on someone weaker and more frightened than ourselves. And besides, you can feel the tradition every time it happens. They're not just hitting you with a sock filled with baseballs; they're hitting everyone who went before."

MR: "My kidneys hurt."

DAY 11: The boys discuss where they see themselves after graduation.

MR: "I want to go to the Legion Technical College. They're doing really exciting stuff with cyber-terrorism, biochemical warfare, and good old fashioned use of two loose electrical wires."

JF: "I just hope I get assigned to the Goon Squad."

MR: "Man! Anyone can get into the Goon Squad. Don't you want to go in for the special programs, like the Napalm Deployment Agency or the Blood Artists or even, like, Senior Collections and Kneecapping? At least there you get to use a bat instead of a phone book."

JF: "Don't knock it, man. The Goon Squad forms the backbone of the LoT. We're what holds it all together. Like the Lord Vindicator says: the other divisions are broken fingers; the Goon Squad is the solid punch to the stomach that makes those broken fingers possible. Besides, it's not the beatings that I really like."

MR: "No?"

JF: "No. The best part is seeing the look on a guy's face when he knows he's going to get beaten, and he's pleading and shit, and you know you're going to beat him anyway. That fucking rocks."

MR: "Well, all I know is that the Lord Vindicator will pay my tuition to college if I major in something that can be used to blow stuff up."

DAY 17: The recruits are asked to talk about the things they dislike the most about training.

JF: "I don't see why good grammar is so important. And I could totally do without all this postmodernism stuff. It's like totally boring."

MR: "Searoth the Defenestrator says it helps sharpen our minds, enrages and confuses the enemy, and puts us in a constant subversive mindstate."

JF: "Karon the Belittler hates Searoth the Defenestrator. She calls him a holdover from the Legions of Helpfulness days. She says he's a pussy and he used to be called Santurce the Devalorizer."

MR: "The Lord Inquisitor seems to like him."

JF: "Yeah, I guess. You know what I dig, though?"

MR: "What?"

JF: "How drugs are encouraged."

MR: "Yeah, that's pretty cool. The morning whiskey ration and afternoon speed dosings have really helped me focus my aggressions in a productive way."

JF: "I could do without the horse tranquilizers, though. They make my eyes hurt. So, what don't you like?"

MR: "I'm going to have to say, it's still the sock beatings."

JF: "Wimp."