LUDIC LOG

There's been a lot of loose talk about football lately. Or rather, something that is not really football, passing itself off as football. Something that is purporting to be "real football", when it is not. This will not stand. It is an affront to everything America stands for. Soccer is not football. The World Cup is a shameful, ludicrous waste of time. We are not citizens of the "world"; we are AMERICANS. We do not like cups; we like bowls. In particular, we like SUPER bowls. We have never cared about what a bunch of jumped-up, snooty Europeans and little pesky darkies did in the past; why must we pretend to care now? Why is valuable time on "SportsCenter" that could be devoted to reexamining minute details of the NFL draft being wasted on the World Cup?

All across this land, in mere months from now, the truly all-American sport of real football will be played in understaffed, taxpayer-funded multi-use stadiums. All-American, you bleat (betraying a suspiciously foreign cast to your words)? How can a mere game be said to reflect the glorious ideals of this nation, the most perfect and morally praiseworthy that the world has ever seen? I can tell you. I can make you see. Football is America. It is disturbingly violent, for no practical purpose. It is inseparably associated with drinking beer, wearing uniforms, and holding ill-informed opinions. There are no women in important positions in it. It is dominated by the very rich and the very stupid. It would be nowhere without television. Football is America. America, you cringing soccer-playing cowards: hear its name and weep to your heartless spider-gods!

In other sporting activities there are almost no true Americans to be found. Consider baseball: while called by effeminate academic traitors in bow ties and spectacles "America's national past-time", a representative sample of Topps trading cards reveals that over 92% of players hail from backwards Latino nations corrupted by the decaying taint of racial dilution and communism. Basketball, likewise a favored sport for those lacking the resolve and hormones necessary for the appreciation of football, is not only rife with angry, overinflated negroes, but allows the participation of Africans, Middle Easterners and degraded murderers from the Balkanized east. Tennis, universally regarded as the sport of degenerates, boasts innumerable champions from former Soviet satellite nations who subject themselves to the shame of wearing all-white uniforms. And hockey, though nearly as guileless and violent as football, must fall by dint of its having been invented in the sissified, second-rate imitation of America known as "Canada" to those who are too polite to call it "Wimpland". The less said about bland, pacifistic media circuses like the Olympics the better. Does anyone labor under the misapprehension that Thailand or Sweden could best the United States in football? Then they are hateful, monstrous traitors, villains of the first rank, and we damn them! Damn them!

Let us talk no more of soccer. Let us banish to a pauper's grave this false ideal of the World Cup. Unwed mothers; Cabriolets; imitation apple pie filling: football. Only this is real. Only this is true. Look upon it, ye unwashed lesser, and lie silent.