LUDIC LOG

Another day, another trip through DC's Who's Who, the mid-'80s encyclopedia of everyone on earth who stuffed themselves into a pair of tights and went around punching people. This is issue #6, and for the first time the cover art isn't handled by George Perez. In fact, I'm not sure who it is -- there's no signature, and no info on the inside to indicate the artist. I have a feeling it's the Paris Cullens/Dick Giordano combo who also handles issue #7, but it's hard to tell. Whoever it is, they throw in a goofy little touch to the character jam: on the back cover, the Demolition Team are dismantling a huge statue of Darkseid's head. And in the foreground is Darkseid himself -- but instead of annihilating them with the Omega Effect, he's just jerking his thumb over his shoulder towards them, with a slightly distasteful look on his face, as if to say "jeez, would ya look at these clowns? Come on, already. What is this?" Also, DeSaad appears to be cooking a bratwurst on Deathbolt's aura. Oh, you DC nuts!

On with the show.

DAILY PLANET. Frankly, this entry surprised the hell out of me. I could write a whole page about the bizarre shit going on at Metropolis' leading daily. Aside from the minor trivia I'd forgotten (such as their main rival being the Metropolis Eagle), there's the fact that the paper is haunted by the ghost of a teenage printer's devil who was crushed by a roll of paper on the first day of the Planet's existence; there's the completely insane thing about how the hidden thirteenth floor is "used secretly by an alien tourist bureau dealing in vacations to Earth; and the claim that Jimmy Olsen is noted for "his courageous investigative reporting" instead of for being a total douchebag. Also, there's this: "Most people assume that it is the Planet's reputation for fairness and honesty that allows it to get so many Superman exclusives. But then, few people know Superman is Clark Kent." So, to put it another way, many people think the Planet gets unique stories about the world's most powerful figure because it's a good newspaper, but really it's because their lead reporter is a lying sack of shit with a split personality who doesn't know the meaning of journalistic ethics or conflict of interest.

DARK OPAL. Normally I wouldn't sully my entries with something as weak as an Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld villain, but this one is worth noting for two reasons: first of all, the killer Ernie Colon art (he could still put a bullet between your eyes when he wanted to), and second, the fact that his actual name was Dark Opal. Wouldn't you think that if a guy's name is "Dark" something, you're pretty much setting him up for failure? If Mr. and Mrs. Opal didn't want to raise an evil kid, why didn't they name their son "Happy Opal" or "Successful Opal" or "Well-Mannered, Polite Opal"?

DARKSEID. The boss jock of all cosmic villains. Darkseid is too cool for me to make fun of, being something of an interegalactic Dr. Doom, only a lot more powerful. The original rock-faced bad-ass of the universe, those who are familiar with the big man and his sinister death-dealing abilities might be surprised to know that he first appeared in, of all places, Jimmy Olsen. Even the Lord of Apokalips can't kill that pesty nerd.

DART. Again, farbeit from me to mention crappy toy tie-ins like this nonentity from the Atari Force, but I have to say: goddamn, Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez can draw hot chicks.

DAWNSTAR. One of the new Legion of Super-Heroes. Well, not the new new LSH, but the old new LSH, who were new when this came out in 1986 but are now old. Dawnstar was from a planet inhabited by outer-space American Indians for some reason, and she could fly and track people through space for some reason. Showing the same lack of judgment and forethought that got her anscestors stuck on crappy reservations in the 19th century, she fell in love with fellow Legionnaire Wildfire, who has no physical body. This makes her the Legion's second-biggest user of dildos other than Night Girl, who uses Cosmic Boy.

DEADMAN. Some people like Deadman. Some don't. I do. One day I will realize my goal of making a porn movie about Deadman, and he will be played by Christopher Walken, so that all the reviews will say "Deadman (Walken)...".

DEADSHOT. Man, look at this super-cool Marshall Rogers/Terry Austin art! For some reason, Deadshot, who is a truly bad-ass supervillain of whom I've always been fond, only gets half a page. I suppose it's because this was prior to his Suicide Squad reinvention and his ascension to the ranks of big-league Batman villains, but I am outraged nonetheless.

DEEP SIX. Their names are Gole, Jaffer, Slig, Trok, Kurin and Shaligo the Flying Finback, but strangely enough, they were created by Jack Kirby and not Steve Ditko. Go figure.

DEMON. Another of DC's mystical roster made infinitely more interesting by Alan Moore in his Swamp Thing days. This Kirby creation always had a lot of potential (the good man being slowly eaten away by the bad thing inside him, a sort of Satanic reinterpretation of Jekyll/Hyde), but Moore just blew out the doors with him. He was also featured in a very fine Matt Wagner mini-series. Some people were annoyed that the Demon spoke in rhyme; those people can climb up and down my stiff cock.

DeSAAD. He was sort of the Toad to Darkseid's Magneto. Darkseid would always give him something to do, and he'd go too far because he was a giggling psychopathing pervert, so Darkseid would kill him with the Omega Effect, then Darkseid would get lonely without his pet sycophant around to torture people on his behalf so he would bring him back to life again with the Omega Effect. DeSaad's resume had to be really unimpressive-looking.

DESTINY. He was the only member (as far as I know) of the Endless to have existed before Gaiman started writing Sandman, and to show you what a big deal he was back then, he shares half a page with Detective Chimp. Detective Chimp has more column-inches.

DIAL 'H' FOR HERO. Essentially a reader contest ("Hey, kids! Design your own completely retarded superhero and we'll force one of our artists to draw him in a story!") expanded to series length. This is one of those books you think is brilliant when you're 11 years old and when you're an adult -- hell, when you're 14 -- seems utterly stupid. Check out the awesome 1970s jogging-shorts/tank top combo on Vicki Grant, though!

DOCTOR DOUBLE X. Another pitiful name-as-destiny character named Dr. Simon Ecks. He had the power to create a symbiotic energy-duplicate of himself or some fucking thing. Later in his career, he teamed up with the Rainbow Raider to create the least terrifying supervillain tandem in comic book history, a criminal team so lame they could only have fought the Flash.

DR. FATE. Dr. Fate is supposed to be the showpiece of this issue, but like Hawkman, he was always one of the most minor of the major DC heroes. It's too bad, too, because he had a neat origin, a nice mystical vibe going on a la Dr. Strange, and even a decent characterization -- he tended to be written, like the Spectre, as so vengeful and efficient in his quest to destroy evil that he often seemed pretty villainous himself. And this entry was done at the time that the talented, daring Keith Giffen was attempting to give Dr. Fate a new life. It didn't work.

DR. MID-NITE. This is the original Dr. M, not the reboot, who hadn't appeared yet. But man! Some very fine Matt Wagner/Romeo Tanghal art here.

DR. PHOSPHORUS. Five things about Dr. Phosphorus: 1. His real name was Dr. Sartorious, which is in itself a pretty cool supervillain name, so you wonder why he bothered to change it. 2. He is ably drawn by Walt Simonson in this entry. 3. Before his transformation, he appeared to wear the world's most unconvincing toupee. 4. Like the incredible Hulk, he underwent a traumatic transmogrification that utterly destroyed all of this clothing except the part of his pants that covered up his ass and his genitals. 5. He sucked.

Brief side note on doctors: there's tones of superheroes and supervillains called "Dr." Something, but how many really deserve that title and how many are just pretentious assholes who took a few adult education classes? Let's look at the DC lineup of Doctors.

Doctor Alchemy was just a schmuck who happened to find the Philosopher's Stone. He's as much of a doctor as a guy who finds a diamond in his oatmeal. Fuck him.

Doctor Bedlam was from Apokalips, so while he may have been an actual doctoral graduate, it's pretty certain that his alma mater was not accredited. I don't think he should be able to call himself "Doctor", at least not on Earth.

Doctor Cyber was a secret agent, which is generally not a career that requires extensive postgraduate work, but you never know. I'll cut her some slack, even though she's drawn by Don Heck.

Doctor Destiny invented an anti-gravity device and wore a tie, so I'll be charitable and say he had a PhD in electronics engineering or something.

Doctor Double X was an actual research scientist, so he was either a real doctor or at least a doctoral student.

Doctor Fate was a medical doctorand an archaeologist. Motherfucker was earning his title.

Doctor Light I and Doctor Light II were both physicists. Fine. They still suck.

Doctor Mid-Nite was a medical doctor. Well, really, I think he was an optometrist, but let's be nice.

Doctor Occult was a private investigator. You can become a private investigator simply by taking those Sally Struthers courses they advertise on late-night TV. This big-headed schmuck ain't no doctor.

Doctor Phosphorus was also a wealthy physician, which may or may not explain the ascot and the stupid hairpiece.

Doctor Polaris was a medical doctor and a physicist. He went to Overachiever U. with Dr. Fate.

Doctor Psycho you know isn't a medical doctor, because that's not a name that really inspires a lot of confidence in potential patients. His occupation is listed as "psionic researcher", so his PhD probably comes from one of those universities that advertises in the back of in-flight magazines.

Doctor Regulus was not, as his name implies, a gastroenterologist, but a nuclear physicist.

Doctor Thirteen was not a real doctor (he's another jumped-up private dick), but his real name actually was Thirteen. No kidding. Terrence Thirteen. I'm inclined to give him a break in light of this fact.

Doctor Tzin-Tzin was a hypnotist. If this makes him a real doctor, then I guess those dipshit speed hypnotists you see in crappy nightclubs and crappy late-night talk shows should be called "Doctor Spinzo the Magnificent".