LUDIC LOG

American Film Institute announces top 50 heroes, villains of American cinema.

Does evil ever win? It's certainly more interesting. It inevitably has better outfits. But we're told that good always triumphs in the end.

Oh, really?

Round 1: General Maximus Decimus Meridus (Gladiator) vs. Alonzo Harris (Training Day). The first battle is a tough one. On the one hand, Maximus is a bad motherfucker. On the other hand, all he's got are swords and nets and tridents and shit, while 'Zo is packing a nine. Starpower doesn't enter into it, because they both won Oscars. So, in the end, we must follow the age-old advice of boxing fans: never bet on the white guy. Officer Harris takes it and it's 1-0 Evil.

Round 2: Andrew Beckett (Philadelphia) vs. Auric Goldfinger (Goldfinger). Beckett is a gay lawyer dying of a horrible wasting disease. Goldfinger is a fat Nazi supervillain with an army of gun-toting thugs and a henchman with a razor-sharp hat. This one isn't even close; the man with the golden touch has AIDS-stricken Andy mercifully decapitated and it's 2-0 Evil.

Round 3: The Terminator (Terminator 2: Judgement Day) vs. Verbal Kint (The Usual Suspects). I don't care if Verbal really is the world's most dangerous criminal mastermind (spoiler alert, you suckers); he's still just a crippled, wimpy nerd. Even the good-guy version of the Terminator is an unstoppable killing machine. The robot with the Austrian accent wins, and Good gets on the board for the first time. 2-1 Evil.

Round 4: Karen Silkwood (Silkwood) vs. Tony Montana (Scarface). Another match that shows up the inherent weakness of Good. You can be heroic and not have any impressive degree of power, since it relies on moral character; whereas to be villainous, you have to be able to kick ass. A well-meaning, brave nuclear plant inspector has no chance against a man who kills people with chainsaws and hangs them out of helicopters by their intestines. Tony and his li'l' fren' win it, and it's 3-1 Evil.

Round 5: Batman (Batman) vs. Hans Gruber (Die Hard). The first total rout by the forces of Good. Batman can teach Evil a thing or two about being a bad-ass; he eats greedy Euro-fops like Gruber for breakfast. Gruber takes a header off the side of a building and Evil's lead is cut to 3-2.

Round 6: Zorro (The Mark of Zorro) vs. the Joker (Batman). This is a tough one. In a classic superhero-supervillain matchup like this, the hero always wins; and, to be frank, the Joker doesn't have a great track record. But on the other hand, the Joker's henchmen, firearms and deadly nerve gas would seem to give him a considerable edge against a sword-wielding aristocrat. This one could go either way, but I guess I'll bow to tradtion. The Joker ends up with a Z on his chest, and Good ties it up 3-3.

Round 7: Jimmy "Popeye" Doyle (The French Connection) vs. Baby Jane Hudson (Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?). Popeye, one of New York's toughest cops, took on an entire heroin syndicate. Baby Jane, a has-been child star, spent the entire movie trying to kill an old woman in a wheelchair. Popeye wins it easily, and Good takes the lead 4-3!

Round 8: Moses (The Ten Commandments) vs. Regina Giddens (The Little Foxes). I've never seen The Little Foxes, so I don't know anything about Regina Giddens. My Time Out! Film Guide says she's a malevolent southern aristocrat. Moses, on the other hand, is God's best friend, who routinely strikes entire nations with plagues and drowns armies whole. Regina gets killed by a rain of frogs, and Good starts to look good with a 5-3 lead.

Round 9: Father Edward (Boys Town) vs. Tom Powers (The Public Enemy). Father Edward: kindly priest. Children look up to him. Tom Powers: violent gangster. Machineguns people to death and runs citrus fruit in women's faces. Evil cuts the lead to 5-4.

Round 10: Arthur Chipping (Goodbye, Mr. Chips) vs. Joan Crawford (Mommie Dearest). No mere schoolteacher can hope to defeat the soul-crushing horror that is Joan Crawford. Don't fuck with her, fellas, it's not her first time at the rodeo. Evil ties it up again, 5-5!

Round 11: Frank Serpico (Serpico) vs. Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street). Serpico is a tough cop, there's no doubt about that. But he has to sleep sometime. Evil regains the lead when someone slips Frank some decaf. 6-5 Evil.

Round 12: Lassie (Lassie Come Home) vs. Cruella de Ville (101 Dalmations). Cute matchup, AFI. Anyway, Lassie has a genial disposition, but at least he's got the potential to tear someone's throat out if he has to. Cruella is just a creepy old dingbat with two incredibly incompetent henchmen. Score one for the dogs, and it's a 6-6 tie!

Round 13: The Little Tramp (City Lights) vs. Caesar Enrico Bandello (Little Caesar). Homeless bum who eats shoes vs. bloodthirsty mobster overlord. You make the call. Evil takes the lead again, 7-6.

Round 14: Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars) vs. Harry Lime (The Third Man). Fuck. Harry Lime is a fucking great villain, played by one of my personal heroes, Orson Welles. But in the end, he couldn't even get rid of that complete tool Holly Martens, let alone a guy who could use mind control and light sabres and shit. Good ties it up once more, 7-7!

Round 15: Rooster Cogburn (True Grit) vs. Frank Booth (Blue Velvet). I'm no fan of the Duke, but he was good at playing complete bad-ass heroes. Booth, as insanely creepy and scary as he was, was really just a nitrous-huffing geek with a panty fetish. The Duke doesn't go for that kind of thing. He'd put a bullet between Mr. Don't You Fuckin' Look At Me's eyes in half a second. Good takes the lead 8-7.

Round 16: Alvin York (Sergeant York) vs. J.J. Hunsecker (The Sweet Smell of Success). The smooth, manipulative Hunsecker could have dazzled hicky Alvin with his New York big shot ways for a while, but Sgt. York killed like 600 people in the war. He'd cop wise eventually and unleash the fury of his Quaker carbine on the nefarious PR hack. Good leads it 9-7.

Round 17: Tarzan (Tarzan the Ape Man) vs. Dr. Szell (Marathon Man). Setting is everything here. Once the crazed Gestapo dentist has his henchmen strap you down in the dental torture chair, it's never going to be safe again. But Dr. Szell is a feeble old man, and Tarzan is a robust jungle stud who befriends toothy creatures like lions and crocodiles. Good takes a commanding 10-7 lead.

Round 18. Marge Gunderson (Fargo) vs. Count Dracula (Dracula). It's DRACULA, for Pete's sake. Evil cuts the lead to 10-8.

Round 19: Philip Marlowe (The Big Sleep) vs. Clyde Barrow & Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde). Marlowe is outnumbered and outgunned, but he's been in that position before. Besides, Bogey exuded cocky coolness while Beatty and Dunaway were neurotic cokeheads. Good leads it 11-8.

Round 20: Erin Brockovich (Erin Brockovich) vs. Mrs. Danvers (Rebecca). Neither one is particularly impressive here. Erin has bigger tits, but Mrs. Danvers is a little more ruthless. Neither one is a fighter. But Brockovich probably knows how to throw a punch, so I'll hand it to her in a yawner. Good leads 12-8.

Round 21: Luke Jackson (Cool Hand Luke) vs. Travis Bickle (Taxi Driver). I'm not sure if I agree with the characterization of drunken reprobate Jackson as a hero, or of lonely, well-meaning Bickle as a villain. But however you morally parse it, Luke's ability to eat a lot of eggs isn't going to do him much good against a heavily armed psychotic like Travis. Evil cuts Good's lead to 12-9.

Round 22: General George S. Patton (Patton) vs. Rev. Harry Powell (Night of the Hunter). Another one I hate to see Evil lose, because Harry Powell is a great villain. But in the final analysis, Patton has tanks while Powell has tattoos; Patton beat entire Panzer divisions while Powell couldn't beat two little kids. Evil is down 13-9 to Good.

Round 23: Juror #8 (12 Angry Men) vs. Max Cady (Cape Fear). Call this one "Revenge of the Tattooed Delusional". Juror #8 is a well-meaning, principled urbanite who doesn't even have a name. Max Cady is a deranged, violent rapist and killer who, on top of all that, probably has a real thing against juries. Evil cuts Good's lead to 13-10.

Round 24: Bob Woodward & Carl Bernstein (All the President's Men) vs. the Martians (War of the Worlds). Woodward and Bernstein brought down a major supervillain in Nixon, sure, but they had no staying power: Woodward's career spiralled downward, culminating in hackwork like Veil and hagiography like his piece on Dan Quayle, while Bernstein pretty much vanished off the face of the Earth. The Martians have heat rays and laser cannnons. The only way Woodward & Bernstein win this one is if one of them has a cold. Evil rallies to cut the lead to 13-11.

Round 25: Superman (Superman) vs. Cody Jarrett (White Heat). Halfway home through this interminal entry! That "top o' the world, ma" crap doesn't wash with Superman, Cody, you moron. A total slaughter as Good extends the lead to 14-11.

Round 26: Lou Gehrig (The Pride of the Yankees) vs. Jack Torrance (The Shining). This is a tough one. Both have upsides; Torrance was an axe-wielding, hard-drinking psychopath, while Gehrig was a bat-wielding, hard-drinking iron man. Both have downsides; Torrance couldn't even beat a screechy beanpole and a mop-topped six-year-old, while Gehrig was dying of a terrible degenerative nerve disease. In the end, though, history has taught us the bitter lesson that the Yankees always find a way to win. Good leads 15-11.

Round 27: Thelma Dickerson & Louise Sawyer (Thelma & Louise) vs. Gordon Gekko (Wall Street). Not as hard as it might seem. Thelma & Louise have a gun and a car, and there are two of them, while Gordon Gekko is just a dick. Good leads 16-11.

Round 28. Terry Malloy (On the Waterfront) vs. Eve Harrington (All About Eve). This one's sort of tough, since it's essentially a repeat of Brockovich-Danvers; neither participant is particularly fearsome. The edge would have to go to Malloy, though, who is a big lunky thug, an ex-prizefighter, and an associate of gangsters and union toughts, as opposed to Harrington, who's just sort of scheming and bitchy. Good is, indeed, beginning to look unbeatable with a 17-11 lead.

Round 29: Spartacus (Spartacus) vs. the Terminator (The Terminator). I am Spartacus! No, I am Spartacus! No, I am Spartacus! No, you are all going to get your asses blown to smithereens by the original, evil Terminator. Evil isn't going to go out quietly, cutting Good's lead to 17-12.

Round 30: Mahatma Gandhi (Gandhi) vs. Mrs. John Iselin (The Manchurian Candidate). A battle of principle here. Gandhi's commitment to justice was such that he would withstand violence and starvation to see his people freed; Mrs. Iselin's commitment to evil was such that she would turn her own son into a mindless assassin to conquer America for the commies. The moral, tan and thin Mohandas gets a bullet right between the eyes. Evil makes it interesting, cutting Good's lead to 17-13.

Round 31: Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid (Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid) vs. Man (Bambi). The outcome of this match depends on whether you're interpreting man as a single being (the hunter who kills Bambi's dad) or as an elemental force (man in general, who kills animals, burns down forests, and controls nature). For the sake of simplicity, I'll have to go with the former and say it's just one guy. And, sure, he's armed, but that probably seems more impressive to a baby deer than it does a couple of hardened criminals like Butch and Sundance. Good extends the lead to 18-13, although I would question the role of a couple of gun-wielding robbers as "good" and a law-abiding hunter as "evil" in this scenario.

Round 32: Virgil Tibbs (In the Heat of the Night) vs. Captain Bligh (Mutiny on the Bounty). Pretty easy victory for MISTER Tibbs; he wins on gun vs. sword, black vs. white, and heroic cop vs. basically just a jerk. Evil is in trouble, as Good leads it 19-13.

Round 33: Robin Hood (The Adventures of Robin Hood) vs. the shark (Jaws). This one depends entirely on where the battle is fought. In the interest of fairness, I think it has to be fought at sea; if you make Jaws go to Nottingham Forest, he suffocates to death inside of five minutes even if Robin Hood is off getting a hummer from Maid Marian, which hardly seems equitable. And if it's at sea, well, it's all over for the tights-wearing bowman. He might be hot shit against the Sheriff, but Jaws is the undersea equivalent of the Terminator. Robin of Locksley is chum. Evil cuts Good's lead to 19-14.

Round 34: Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry) vs. Annie Wilkes (Misery). Annie was hot shit with her doped tea and sledgehammer against an old guy with a couple of broken legs, but she won't fare as well against a marginally sociopathic homicide detective with the world's most powerful handgun and a barely suppressed killer instinct. Good pads the lead to 20-14.

Round 35: Shane (Shane) vs. Noah Cross (Chinatown). This is sort of a complex one. Cross was really rich, and he presumably would be able to hire a bunch of thugs to go up against Shane. But on the other hand, Shane had pretty good luck against bunches of thugs. And when it comes down to the two of them, Noah Cross was just an old feeb. Jake Gittes probably could have taken him if he'd run into the Albacore Club with guns blazing. Evil could be out of it for the duration, as Good totes up their lead to 21-14.

Round 36: Norma Rae Webster (Norma Rae) vs. Amon Goeth (Schindler's List). Norma Rae, a spunky housewife and labor organizer, was really more what you'd call well-meaning than heroic. And while Amon wimped out in the end, he spent the intervening 682 minutes of the movie killing people and commanding a regiment of homicidal Nazi sadists. Good takes a hit, and Evil cuts the lead to 21-15.

Round 37: Han Solo (Star Wars) vs. the Alien (Alien). Sigh. I guess Solo takes this one. Damn, that hurts. 22-15 Good.

Round 38: Oskar Schindler (Schindler's List) vs. HAL-9000 (2001: A Space Odyssey). Sure, Schindler's flattery, cunning, deceit and subterfuge might work against an arrogant ass like Amon Goeth, but it's not gonna fool the cold, sinister logic of HAL-9000. I'm not sure exactly how HAL wins this one, but I am confident that he does. Good's lead is cut to 22-16.

Round 39: Tom Joad (The Grapes of Wrath) vs. Alex DeLarge (A Clockwork Orange). This one is a lot harder than it might appear at first. Both the combatants are young, strong members of the underclass; they both beat people to death in their respective movies; they both get involved with politics with disastrous results. And I don't think Alex's savagery would necessarily overwhelm the determined Okie. This might be the bloodiest, most hotly contested match so far, but in the end, I have to think Alex wants it a little more. His cut-throat britva emerges triumphant and Good's lead is cut to 22-17.

Round 40: Jefferson Smith (Mr. Smith Goes to Washington) vs. Michael Corleone (The Godfather, Part II). Pfft. We've seen how Michael deals with senators before. Evil wins this one easy, and Good's lead is now 22-18.

Round 41: T.E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia) vs. the Queen (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs). The real-life T.E. Lawrence wasn't so heroic, I'll tell you that. Some people will say my handing this battle to Evil reflects personal prejudice on my part, and those people are right. An argument could be made that Lawrence's military genius would prevail over the Queen's magic apples, but I choose to ignore that argument. The hits just keep on coming, and Good's lead is looking a little fragile at 22-19.

Round 42: George Bailey (It's a Wonderful Life) vs. Regan MacNeil (The Exorcist). Are you kidding me? George Bailey is just a jerkwater schmuck who runs a failed savings & loan. Regan MacNeil is possessed by Satan himself. Evil wins this one with its eyes closed, and Good leads by a hair, 22-20.

Round 43: Ellen Ripley (Aliens) vs. Phyllis Dietrichson (Double Indemnity). Give me a break. Phyllis' sexy anklet will never be found in the smoking, bloody crater that super-tuff Ripley V.2 reduces her to. Good desperately clings to the lead, 23-20.

Round 44: Rocky Balboa (Rocky) vs. Alex Forrest (Fatal Attraction). At first, this might seem like a rout, with the hulking prizefighter pummelling the rail-thin denizen of the Upper West Side. But, on closer inspection, we remember that (a) Alex Forrest is an insane, knife-wielding, rabbit-boiling lunatic, and (b) this is the Rocky of the original Rocky. And what did the Rocky of the original Rocky do? That's right: he lost. I'm giving this to Evil, if for no other reason than to keep things competitive. Good's lead is a meager 23-21.

Round 45: Clarice Starling (The Silence of the Lambs) vs. Mr. Potter (It's a Wonderful Life). This one, however, it's impossible to spin. Clarice Starling is a highly trained FBI agent who knows karate, packs heat, and faces down the country's most dangerous serial killers. Mr. Potter is just a fat old asshole. Good holds on to the lead, 24-21.

Round 46: Will Kane (High Noon) vs. Nurse Ratched (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest). Things are beginning to look bleak for Evil. Sure, Nurse Ratched is a life-hating crone, but she can't beat the gun-toting leadslinger Will Kane. Good nails the lead 25-21, and all Evil can hope for at this point is a tie.

Round 47: Rick Blaine (Casablanca) vs. the Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard of Oz). You know, when you think about it, Rick wasn't all that tough. He spent most of the movie being aloof, and finally shot an unarmed man as his big tough-guy act. I mean, don't get me wrong, he played it cool...but was he all attitude and no heft? He could beat some Nazi foreign emissaries, but let's see how he does against an evil witch with an army of flying monkeys in bellhop outfits. Evil stays in the game and cut's Good's lead to 25-22.

Round 48: James Bond (Dr. No) vs. Darth Vader (The Empire Strikes Back). Man, do I hate this one. I hate it. Darth fucking Vader, man. The baddest sci-fi villain of them all. And, really, he never lost; his ultimate downfall was his own doing. But, despite his ultracool, ubervillainous vibe, he's meat for a guy like Bond; tailor-made for him, in fact. He's got all the hallmarks of the guys Bond goes through like Junior Mints -- impregnable fortress, legions of incompetent goons, befuddled scientists and technicians running around, neat outfit. As personally superior to Bond as Vader is, I just don't see any way that Bond doesn't come out on top. 26-22 Good, and Evil is mathematically eliminated from contention.

Round 49: Indiana Jones (Raiders of the Lost Ark) vs. Norman Bates (Psycho). Even if we give the previous round to the Dark Lord of the Sith, Good would take it all with this one. Norman was a schizoid serial killer, but Indy fought off entire armies of Nazis, Arabs, and Himalayan death cultists. A geek in a dress isn't going to get within a hundred yards of the fightin' archaeologist. Good seals the deal, leading 27-22.

Round 50: Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird) vs. Dr. Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs). The respective #1s on the AFI list aren't even close, and it's a damn shame it has to end this way. Finch is a well-intentioned, sincere, principled small-town southern lawyer who takes a stand against prejudice. Lecter kills people, eats them, and wears their faces. It's a complete massacre, but too little too late, and the forces of Good defeat the minions of Evil 27-23, proving, once and for all, that Evil really does always lose in the end.