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LUDIC LOG
06.07.2004

GEORGE WASHINGTON:  "Well, he was a good man, and a fine president.  I mean, not the first president or anything.  I think that maybe an airport in the nation's capital, which happens to be named after the founder of the country, shouldn't be changed for some flash in the pan who didn't become the very first leader of the world's greatest democracy.  But whatever."

JOHN ADAMS:  "Do I who?  What?  No, you're thinking of my son, John Quincy Adams.  No, no, simple mistake."

THOMAS JEFFERSON:  "Dixon sucks!  Montpelier 4 evah!!!"

JAMES MADISON:  "I really don't know much about the man, to be honest, although I understand that his wife and mine  are in frequent conversation.  She talks to the dead, does Mrs. Reagan, so they say.  That was not possible, of course, in my time.  The modern world. eh?  Ho ho!"

JAMES MONROE:  "Well, it seems a half-measure to be called the architect of the Republican Party or the Democratic Party.  I was a Democratic-Republican, you know.  Also, I have a doctrine.  Did this Hagen fellow have a doctrine?  Cold War?  Never heard of it."

JOHN QUINCY ADAMS:  "Have I...what do I think of who?  No, no, you want my father, John Adams.  No, think nothing of it, happens all the time."

ANDREW JACKSON:  "Fuck him anyway!  Why, if I see him here in Presidential Hell, I'll tarnish him with a lodge pole.  Who is he again?"

MARTIN VAN BUREN:  "He seemed to lie a lot.  Even for a President."

WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON:  "You...you really want to know what I think?  You mean it?  And you're not just confusing me with Benjamin Harrison?  Oh, joy!  Oh, delight!  No one ever wants to know what I think.  How have longed for this day to come, listening to Chester Arthur's interminable stories, praying that someday the opinion of William Henry Harrison would be wanted!  And now that the day has come, I scarecely know what to...hey!  Where are you going?  Come back!  Please!"

JOHN TYLER:  "Is that supposed to be his real hair?  Come on."

JAMES KNOX POLK:  "I have nothing against him, personally.  He was an outstanding campaigner and a well-liked, if not accomplished, orator, but his record as President is a mixed bag at best.  However, if he thinks he's getting my seat cushion, he's fucked in the head."

ZACHARY TAYLOR:  "I think he's sexy.  Yeah, I said it!  What?"

MILLARD FILLMORE:  "He did a tremendous job of upholding the principles of the Whig Party.  Hold on, he was a what now?"

FRANKLIN PIERCE:  "Everyone talks about how good an actor he was, but really, his only decent performances were in The Killers and Kings Row, and the latter was a weepie, so anyone could have done it.  Oh, as President, you mean?  He ate it as President."

JAMES BUCHANAN:  "His administration was crooked to such a marked degree that it took some heat off of mine.  So, thanks, Ron!  A bitchy lot, historians."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN:  "I freed the slaves.  Top that, punk.  I was the first and still the greatest Republican president.  I hear there's even a group of GOP members who named themselves after me.  Yeah!  Hmmm?  They're what?"

ANDREW JOHNSON:  "I don't follow this stuff.  I'm busy with my thimble collection.  I almost have all the Little Rascals."

ULYSSES S. GRANT:  (could not be reached for comment)

JAMES GARFIELD:  "I got shot by a crazy anarchist, not some fat schlub trying to impress Jodie Foster.  Weak, Reagan!  Weak!"

CHESTER ARTHUR:  "Was Bill Harrison talking shit about me?  Hey, fuck you, Bill!  At least I didn't die after 30 days in office, you pussy."

GROVER CLEVELAND:  "Any shithead can win two elections in a row.  Let's see him win on two non-consecutive occasions, with a bastard child to deal with.  I rule the school, let's face it."

BENJAMIN HARRISON:  "Hi, this is Benjamin Harrison.  I'm not at home right now, but if you'd like to leave a message at the sound of the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

WILLIAM McKINLEY:  "I'm hoping that when he gets here, he will be able to explain about the tele-vision.  I am exceptionally curious to hear tell of this 'The Ropers' program."

THEODORE ROOSEVELT:  "Can I tell you later?  I have a wrestling match with Babe Ruth in like ten minutes.  Hey, it's for charity!  Quit busting my sack."

WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT:  "His somewhat effective foreign policy initiatives may outweigh his spotty economic record and his legacy of domestic inaction.  Hey, when you print this, you're not going to call me the fat president, are you?  Because I have a solid record of accomplishments.  Income tax, trust-busting, the Labor Department, progressive conservation policies...I was the only person ever to serve on the Supreme Court after being president, you know.  So, I guess I'm saying, let's lay off this fat president bullshit, okay?  You're going to put that I'm the fat president.  I can tell."

WOODROW WILSON:  "I'm not really comfortable talking about it, to be honest with you.  We used to date for a brief period, and it's all still a bit close to the heart, as it were.  Oh, Ronald Reagan!  I thought you said Kaiser Wilhelm."

WARREN G. HARDING:  "Regulators!  We regulate any stealing of his property/and we damn good, too/but you can't be any geek off the street/gotta be handy with the steel, if you know what I mean, earn your keep/Regulators!/Mount up!"

CALVIN COOLIDGE:  "We had a lot in common.  Support of big business, small government, naps.  Sooooo sleepy."

HERBERT HOOVER:  "Don't...don't you think it would be cool if, like, me, and him, and Wilson and Coolidge, like, started a band?  Or a club, or a gang, or something?  Because we all have, our first names and last names start with the same letters.  I think it would be awesome.  Then the girls would talk to me I bet."

FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT:  "Let me make this perfectly clear, Reagan:  keep your grubby meatpickers off the fucking dime.  Hear me?  Because up here, my legs work, and the first thing I'll do is put one of them right up your ass."

HARRY S TRUMAN:  "I remember once he said I would have been proud of his upper-income tax cuts.  That made about as much sense as a couple of years back when he said birds were trees."

DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER:  "It'll be nice to have a good golfer up here to partner with.  Wilson is a duffer, man."

JOHN F. KENNEDY:  "Hey, let me ask you something.  That Charlize Theron, how's her health?  Any diseases or heart murmurs or anything?  No reason."

LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON:  "Tell him good luck pairing with Eisenhower.  That guy needs eight strokes just to get the ball off the tee.  Guy's been dead for 36 years and he hasn't made par once."

RICHARD M. NIXON:  "Please, O Dark Lord of Tortures, if you could just stop cramming the severed, flaming limbs of napalmed Vietnamese orphans in my ear for just a moment, this nice young man is trying to ask me a question."

JIMMY CARTER:  "Well, obviously, I think he was a dynamic leader, and although we had a great deal of disagreement over policy issues, and I took exception at his attempt to place blame for his...hey, wait a minute, I'm not dead!"
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