LUDIC LOG

Q.: Are these the new rules?

A.: Yes. These are the new rules.

Q.: Why?

A.: New information has come to light.

Q.: May we see it?

A.: No.

Q.: What are the new rules?

A.: Latinos and gang members are now to be officially suspected. Please add them to your books in the section marked "TERRORISTS". They should occupy the slot under Filipinos and above Koreans.

Q.: There's not much room left. Can we cross someone out?

A.: No. Maybe you can double them up with Drug Dealers; there's a lot of crossover.

Q.: What about white people?

A.: White people are not to be suspected.

Q.: But...

A.: White people are not to be suspected.

Q.: How did you catch this new terrorist?

A.: With cooperation and investigation of the most arduous sort. There is full integration of the intelligence services. They are the glory of the world. Fear them if you are guilty; trust them if you are innocent.

Q.: What has he done, this man?

A.: He has plotted. Plotted and conspired and schemed and planned. No amount of evildoing has been left unthought by him.

Q.: What has he thought about?

A.: All manner of things harmful to our great Republic. Feverishly his brain has worked, and certain scenarios have crossed his mind which, if they were actually carried out, would be the end of us all.

Q.: Has he carried these scenarios out?

A.: No. Happily, we were able to apprehend him prior to his converting his thoughts to action. But none could argue that these thoughts were of the highest degree of villainy.

Q.: How do you know he has thought and planned these thoughts and plans?

A.: There is evidence.

Q.: What kind of evidence?

A.: Secret evidence, very secret indeed. Evidence of a sort so secret that merely to talk of it would aid our enemies, the very people who created this would-be killer.

Q.: May we see the evidence?

A.: No. You would gunk it up.

Q.: What is to be done with him?

A. He shall be tried.

Q.: By a jury of his peers?

A.: No.

Q.: By a court of law?

A.: No.

Q.: How, then?

A.: By a tribunal of military men. We have entrusted the military with the handling of certain delicate matters of justice, as have such other respected and efficient nations like Pakistan, Israel and Myanmar.

Q.: But surely, he is a civilian, an American, a native-born citizen. How may he then be tried as an "enemy combatant"?

A.: This is provided for under the new rules.

Q.: Which...

A.: I have just explained to you. Thank you; no more questions.