LUDIC LOG

It's June of 2003. No, wait! It's October of 1985! I can tell, because that's the date on Volume VIII of DC Who's Who, and it can't possible have been eighteen goddamn years ago, can it? I remember thinking that stuff like, say, how much Felicity weighed was really important when I was 16 years old. As it turned out, it wasn't in the least bit important, and yet, here I am close to twenty years later and I'm still reading this shit. I think this says a lot about me, but let's all be polite and not say out loud what it is exactly.

The credits of issue #8 of Who's Who inform me that the "contributing writer/researcher" for this installment is none other than Peter Sanderson, who you may remember if you're bored enough to have been following this series of entries was also a writer and researcher on The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe. I don't know anything about Sanderson -- if he wrote other comics, if he is still involved in the funnybook biz, even if he is still alive -- but I think, just on the strength of having been a writer for both of these nerdcyclopedias, that we can assume that he was, at least in 1985, the biggest geek in the entire world.

Not much else of interest aside from the nice cover art (uncredited, unfortunately), so let's go straight to the material.

FEARSOME FIVE. A standard-issue supervillain group who mostly pestered the Teen Titans, the Fearsome Five was notable for how they were formed: Dr. Light (the old villainous one) "placed an advertisement to recruit fellow super-villains in The Underworld Star, an irregularly published newsletter featuring letters, articles and how-to tips by and for the super-criminal element". MAN! Wouldn't you love to be a columnist for the Underworld Star? Recipes by Tobias Whale. An advice column by Killer Croc. Solomon Grundy's 'Eye on Real Estate'. The Joker would write the bridge column, of course. You could see what the Atomic Skull thinks of the new fall lineup on CBS. Please, Underworld Star, hire me! I'll do anything! I'll even write the Supervillain Jumble!

FELIX FAUST. Felix was a JLA villain, a run-of-the-mill sorcerer type, who gets a nice Gil Kane drawing for his entry. Someone at Social Services was napping on the job late in his career, though: he was allegedly cured of his evil ways by primal scream therapy (I'm not makin' this up, folks) and was inexplicably put in charge of the section of the Star City Public Library that happened to contain ancient black magic spellbooks. I'm sure you can figure out what went down after that. Still, must have been a fun conversation:

"Say, Janice, are you really sure about giving Faust that curator's job? He did used to be an evil sorcerer. It seems to me kind of like making a recovering alcoholic the manager of a liquor store."

"Come on, Ted. He's had primal scream therapy. He's cured."

Come to think of it, the invention of Prozac and Paxil must have had a devastating effect on the supervillain community.

FERRO LAD. He probably got a lot of "Fairy Lad" jokes until people realized that he could turn himself into iron and beat the living fuck out of them. He's a member of two very elite groups: he joins Karate Kid, Invisible Kid and one-third of Triplicate Girl in the Legion of Super-Corpses, and along with the Metal Men, he's one of a very few superheroes who have a symbol from the periodic table of the elements on his chest. This group is known, I believe, as the Poindexters.

FIDDLER. Just to prove that it wasn't only the Silver Age Flash who got incredibly lame supervillains, I present you with this Golden Age Flash foe: the Fiddler. Possessed of a remarkably stupid name, a pitiful name-as-destiny secret identity (Isaac Bowin), and a ridiculous origin (he got his power by studying the "lost arts" of an Indian fakir, because, of course, we all know that Indian street magicians are well-versed in secret techniques involving violins), he also wore a laughable costume (a Kelly green tuxedo), cruised around in a flying car that looked like a violin, and belonged to not one, but two super-teams with dumb names -- the Injustice Society of the World and the Crime Champions. DC, apparently feeling really bitchy, ends his bio with this bit of gossip: "Although he had temporarily gained a bit of weight, as of this writing the Fiddler is safely back behind prison bars, where he has lost that excess poundage and is once more his slender self." Uh, thanks for that, DC.

FIREBRAND I. Perhaps you have been wondering: who is the gayest character in the unsettlingly homoerotic history of superhero comics? The answer is: the original Firebrand. My proof? (a) His mask is extremely flouncy, with a big sash dangling off the back. (b) He wears fabulous, ass-accentuating tights with pointy boots. (c) He first appeared in the pornographic-sounding "Police Comics". (d) He's a bored, leisurely playboy who became a superhero "to experience the thrills and adventure" he so desperately craved. (e) He hangs out with a muscular dude with a buzz-cut named Slugger, who is described as, ahem, his "best friend and man Friday". (f) His name is Rod Reilly. (g) HE WEARS A PINK SEE-THRU CHIFFON TOP. Ladies and gentlemen: the gayest character ever.

FIREBRAND II. Oh, sure. When a chick becomes Firebrand, they get rid of the pink see-thru chiffon top. What a rip.

FIREHAWK. A total snore of a character; she was Firestorm's girlfriend, with all the underwritten yawns that being the female version of a male character with his own title implies However, I will say that her entry is quite snazzy. They gave her a very nice logo, and the art is by forgotten Filipino genius Rafael Kayanan, who had a spiffy style that combined a classic George Perez superhero look with a touch of Bill Sienkiewicz before he went completely experimental. Pretty sweet costume, too.

FIRE LAD. Fire Lad was a member of the Legion of Substitute Heroes. His power (to breathe fire) was "considered too dangerous" to let him into the regular Legion. So, apparently, Cosmic Boy's ability to manipulate magnetic fields, Element Lad's ability to control the elements, Lightning Lad's ability to thow huge bolts of electricity, Star Boy's ability to alter gravity, Sun Boy's mastery of light and heat, and Supergirl's ability to, well, be Supergirl were totally safe, but a guy who can breathe fire? That's crazy! Get him out of here, he's too dangerous!

FIRESTORM. Firestorm the Nuclear Man was, of course, a reflection of every teenager's fantasy: to have a boring old windbag physics professor stuck in their head. You run into the Superman Problem (how to keep a character interesting when he can basically do anything) pretty quickly with Firestorm; they tried to limit his power to alter the molecular structure of objects by saying it didn't work on organic matter, but you still just wonder why he can't beat anybody by turning all the air in their lungs into stone or something. This is possibly why Firestorm's comic was so boring, and what's worse, he gets the underwhelming Al Milgrom doing the art on his entry.

FLASH II. There's really not a lot funny to say about the Flash; he was a great character (albeit with a pretty insane origin) who happened to be sidled with bad writers, underachieving artists like the sporadic Carmine Infantino, and the worst supervillains ever. In fact, there's a little picture of the Rogue's Gallery in the incidental art, and it's just wall-to-wall crap. Still, how can you hate a guy who keeps his nifty costume stuffed inside his ring?

FORCE OF JULY. Only the stereotype-lovin', crappy-pun-spewin' Steve Englehart could have come up with a concept as wack as this supervillain team who battled the equally pointless Outsiders. A team of demented super-patriots with a jingoistic theme, the FOJ consisted of (seriously) Lady Liberty, Major Victory, Mayflower, Silent Majority and Sparkler. This all-American team was, coincidentally, all white. I would like to seem them updated for today with characters like USA-PATRIOT, Shock & Awe, Soccer Mom, and the Angry White Male.

FORGOTTEN HEROES & FORGOTTEN VILLAINS. Do you know why they were forgotten? That's right: because they suck.

FUNKY FLASHMAN. Gone and Forgotten creator Jon Morris has already chronicled the "Jack Kirby gently and lovingly inserts a shiv in Stan Lee's eyeball" aspect of Funky Flashman's character here, and I won't even try to top him. I will note that in his entry, they take special pains to mention that he wears a bad rug, they show him (for some bewildering and charming reason) dropping a snake into the pocket of a man petting a dog, which seems to suggest that he's some kind of demented psychopath rather than a sort of lovable con-man, and they note that he lost his role as leader of the Secret Society of Super-Villains to a talking gorilla.

GALACTIC GOLEM. That's it. That's all I have to say. "Galactic Golem".

GANG. Aside from the fact that these four super-villains look pretty damn WASPy for a bunch of people who "grew up together in poverty on the South Side of Chicago", they also take the prize as the most unimaginative super-team ever. They have incredibly generic costumes that are identical save for being different primary colors. They don't have real names or interesting characters. They fought Supergirl with all the vigor and passion of a bus driver who's followed the same route for 19 years in a row. They have strictly by-the-books personas and powers (brainy leader, stumpy strongman, handsome tough guy, mysterious mentalist). And their name is The Gang, which has to represent the nadir of can't-be-bothered comic book writing. It should come as no surprise that their entry is pencilled by the hapless Carmine Infantino.