LUDIC LOG

For over 60 years, Allspach Literary Laboratories has brought novelists, authors, journalists, playwrights, filmmakers and other writers the very finest in stock characters. This year is no different. A.L.L. is proud to present our 2002 Summer Catalog. Give your readers your A.L.L.!

The Dangerous Loner

A consistent best-seller since his introduction in the late 1970s, this model has formed the backbone of some of our country's most enduring novel series, comic books, action films and police dramas. Sharing many of the same qualities as our standard Psychotic Maniac model (terse dialogue, a complete lack of empathy, heavy squinting, homicidal tendencies, and our patented PersonalityLite module), the Dangerous Loner model is easilty distinguishable as a hero by virtue of being good-looking, and having quips that are grimly humorous rather than grimly terrifying. Everyday low price....$149.95

The "Oh, Gerald"

One of our most enduring models, the "Oh, Gerald" is ideally suited for academic and social satires, 'little' novels, and coming-of-age stories set in wealthy parts of New England. Tall, wealthy, patrician, once beautiful but now with a pre-matronly frowse, this long-suffering, condescending, easily embarrassed woman is perfect as an unloving wife, a suffocating mother or the long-suffering friend or patron of the eccentric, straitjacketed young artist meant to stand in for you. Now on special...$129.95

Black Magic

Since this one came out in the late 1980s, we've hardly been able to keep it in stock. Available in a male (thin; Zen-like; some connection to blues or jazz music) or a female (fat; brassy; usually a domestic servant or functionary), Black Magic is a quasi-mystical African-American character, possessing a mysterious insight into the divine ways of nature so typical of their race, whose role is to save the white main character from his or her self-destructive tendencies and set them on the path to glory with homespun wisdom. If you're stuck for a black character, but you feel like you should have one, because, well, you just think you should, Black Magic is for you. Best of all, they're completely disposable once you've used them! Get 'em while they're hot...$199.99

The Opposite Number

Effective, menacing villain character for drama, action, politicial thrillers. Economical and compact, the Opposite Number combines history, motivation and character into a single aspect, that being his membership in a storied paramilitary or terrorist organization. Our latest model, the Cali Cartel, is a huge seller, but writers on a budget may want to consider the deep discounts available on older models, such as the IRA, the Red Brigade, the KGB, the Michigan Militia, the Hard-to-Pin-Down Eastern European, and the White Supremacist. And keep your eyes out for our new line, the al-Q'aeda, coming in Winter of 2002! Sold as a set with the Dangerous Loner...$219.00

The "Shut Up and Fuck Me"

So you want to write an edgy, gripping modern novel. But you want people to read it, so you need lots of sex scenes. And yet, you want to be perceived as a feminist writer, or at least one who doesn't obviously hate women. That's a lot of ground to cover; but we've got the character for you. Successful, wealthy, huge-breasted and aggressive, the "Shut Up and Fuck Me" combines an overtly liberated attitude (she has lots of money and talks back to men) with a hot ass and a willingness to express her 'feminism' by having lots of kinky sex with whatever male lead you throw at her. This one's real 'post-' or 'meta' or whatever...$225.00

The World-I-Never-Mader

You're writing a sensitive semi-autobiographical novel. Sure, who isn't? You've got a real handle on this "new sincerity" thing. You once exchanged e-mails with Dave Eggers. And now, you've encapsulated the perfection that is you into one singular brilliantly original character, who's just as smart and funny and able to express the bittersweet frustration of living in a world that's not as clever as you are, as you are! But there's one problem: it's so much like you, the critics might say it's just a mirror image of you. That problem is no problem! For a nominal fee, we'll change it to someone totally different from you, like, say, a chick! Or a black guy! Or, I don't know, a foreign guy, or something. Nominal fee...$49.95

Lord and Lady Sassback

Everyone likes the Southern aristocracy. They're funny, quirky, and rich, but not like some snooty New Yorker; and they're nothing at all like the angry, stupid poor people you sometimes find in the actual South. Well, just because your southern heritage consists of having grown up in the suburbs of Richmond, or going to New Orleans during Mardi Gras, doesn't mean you have to get left out of this hot new literary trend. This model is also available in a male (charming; debonair; handsome; wealthy; always amazing people with the fact that his southern accent doesn't mean he's dumb; charmingly, and not nauseatingly, drunk; dispenses colorful homilies that no one will point out are cliched or stupid) and a female (beautiful; sass-mouthed; matronly without being mothering; pleasingly dissipated if older; ultra-traditional but still talks back to all the men; best friend is a black woman; has lots of money but no job). Laws have mercy...$175.00