LUDIC LOG

Hello again, readers! God here. My name has been thrown around a lot lately so I though I'd stop in and clarify a few things. Goodness knows if there's one thing I don't care for, it's confusion.

First of all, I am not Allah. Dear Me. That would seem obvious, seeing as we have different names and everything, but some so-called "scholars" have gone around claiming that it's just two different names for the same person. Well, who are you going to believe, readers, some dimwit with a theology degree from a second-rate state college, or Me, the omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent creator of the entire universe?

Second, some people have been asking, why is it okay to vilify Muslims for proselytizing their faith and using any means necessary to forward their ethical agenda, when Christians do the exact same thing and have the full sanction of the Western world? Again, this is so simple that I'm saddened that I actually have to explain it, but I remember, you are My children -- and sometimes you act like it! Ha ha. Anyway, the reason is simple: because they are wrong, and we are right! When you see it that way, it all really makes sense, doesn't it?

Third, some of My believers (who are not given to asking such foolish questions) have nonetheless been puzzled about what the correct attitude towards Islamic fundamentalism should be. After all, they have noticed that our faiths share similar attitudes towards the proper place of women, the horrible immorality of baby-killing, the necessity of abasing yourself to your deity in all matters, and the relentless persecution of homosexuals. Well, in fact, they are right to wonder! Islamic fundamentalists are correct about just about everything, from not drinking to killing people who disagree with you to acting like a frog when the guy in charge (that's Me!) says jump. Assuming they're not blowing you up or giving your daughter a clitoridectomy and wearing some silly hat, the Musselman can make a valuable ally in the war against liberalism and irreligious shenanigans of the sort that make Me so angry. Just as long as you never forget that they are awful dark-skinned animals who are going to burn forever in the Lake of Fire.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that in these dark times, with war and terror stalking the earth, immorality and wanton sin spilling out of every home, and the Jews getting downright uppity after all I've done for them, I appreciate so many of you turning to Me for guidance. It's touching in these end times (although you didn't hear that from Me) to hear so many prayers floating heavenward, asking for direction and clarity in a world that seems to have gone mad. In response, allow Me to say: I am not a fucking magic Eight-ball. Let's have less asking stupid questions and more doing what I say before I wipe you like a dingleberry. Well, that's it from me, gang, and once again, thanks for choosing Christianity, which you know in your hearts is the one true religion!