LUDIC LOG

Douglas Ramsey ("Cypher"): Oh, man. Sure, you always remember your first job, but this was ridiculous. I spend four hours a day coding, two hours a day in Language Lab, and, like, 15 minutes a week fucking around with Cerebro, and that moron Xavier actually buys my spiel that I'm an incredibly powerful mutant with a "superhuman capacity for language". What a sap! I couldn't do anything that a programming dork who'd spent a few months in Outward Bound couldn't do, and he's all putting me in the yellow and black outfit and giving me a free ride on tuition. Plus, I got to get in Kitty Pryde's pants! God that was so worth it. I've got a good life now; I'm writing web apps for Oracle. But if that particular gravy train hadn't derailed, best believe I'd still be on it.

"Amazo": Okay, first of all, I'm not an android, I'm a cyborg. I have cells. Second, do you know why I kept fighting the Justice League? Yes, it was so I could be returned to my "sleep of oblivion", right. But you know why I wanted that so bad? Because number one, Professor Ivo kept touching me. Look at my goddamn costume, for Christ's sake. Number two, I had the stupidest name in the universe. Who builds a goddamn cyborg that can do pretty much anything, and calls it AMAZO? Amazo?!?!? How about "Captain Neato", for the love of God? I was hoping the JLA would kill me.

"Beta Ray Bill": That whole alien thing was a lie. A sick, sad lie that came from an unhealthy place. The truth -- and we can only love the truth, because loving a lie makes a lie of love -- is that I was fixated on Thor. He was the perfect Nordic god-man I thought I wanted in my twisted mind. I dressed like him. I followed him around. I even paid a cut-rate Guatemalan plastic surgeon to make me look like him, and you can see how that turned out. But now, with the help of an understanding and beautiful and loving Christian therapist named Mandy, I'm getting a little better every day through the love of Jesus. You can change.

Anton Lamont ("The Fadeaway Man"): It really is like a sickness. I mean, finding the cloak was thrilling, but I was a respected art historian. I could have just toured it around and made a good academic reputation, maybe gotten tenure at Columbia or Amherst. Instead I spent six years throwing water at Hawkman. "Fadeaway Man" is right because that's what happened to my career. Thank goodness he smashed my knee in with that mace, because now at least I can get disability; otherwise it'd be back to working as a phone solicitor. And the worst of it is, my "conjure-cloak" didn't vanish at all. I hocked it. A few weeks ago I saw some fat teenager wearing it on the evening news. They were doing a puff piece on a sci-fi convention.

"Ego, the Living Planet": Come ON. I'm a living PLANET, for fuck's sake. A PLANET. I'm the size of the entire earth. How do I get beat by the same four shitheads over and over again? How?!?!? I KNOW this is not just me. Something is going on. I'm a planet!!! SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

Elizabeth Belle Lawrence ("Liberty Belle"): Oh, yeah, it was just a biiiiig coincidence that someone named Libby Belle would grow up to be a superhero named Liberty Belle. Real funny how that worked out. Look, I'd appreciate if this could be off the record; my grandkids don't know about the movies. Kids today don't even think they had porn in the 1940's. Mention Tijuana Bibles to them and you just get a blank look, thank God. All I can say is, publicity guys were as sharp back then as they are today. Oh, and you can print this part: my so-called "husband" -- well, let's just say that the name "Johnny Quick" was accurate in more ways than one.

Bruce Banner ("The Hulk"): Oh, yes. Hulk smash. Bah, puny humans. Why Big Head not leave Hulk alone. That was all a rather good laugh, wasn't it? All right, America. You had your fun. I was the Stepin Fetchit of the functionally retarded. And you all enjoyed yourselves. Now, if you vultures have had your amusement, be so kind as to leave me in peace.

Timothy Karnes ("SABBAC"): I like Maiden. I used to fight Captain Marvel. He sucked. Satan is cool. The prison doctors are nice but they can't fix my overbite. Those guys in the papers are mean. I have flame powers but the pills make it not work. Sabbath rocks. Am I going to be on TV?

Jean-Paul Beaubier ("Northstar"): All right. First of all, let's get out into the open what Monsieur Byrne and his homophobic, spineless cronies would not: I am gay, gay, gay. I am a big flaming homosexual man. I like to have anal sex with other attractive athletic fellows at every possible opportunity. Second, yes, Jeanne-Marie is my sister, yes, she is as crazy as a loon, and no, we never had sex. I know you sick little perverts out there are more comfortable with the idea of a man having sex with his twin sister than you are with the idea of him having sex with other men, but guess what? Deal with it. Take your ridiculous little fantasies elsewhere, and maybe think about why you like big strong men in tight costumes so much. Third, if I never hear another word about Alpha Flight it will be too soon. I had a great career going as a professional skier and along comes that prat Hudson and "drafts" me into his little team with the aid of some photographs I did not want widely circulated at the time. And yeah, what a great idea, because the world was just champing at the big for a Canadian super-team. And his wife was an absolute harpy, the worst boss I have ever had in my life and I worked at Tim Horton when I was a teenager.

Toto ("Titano the Super-Ape"): O-kay. I am Titano the Super-Ape! Ook ook! I love Lois Lane! I fought Superman! I am a stupid-ass fat giant ape! Now, where's my check, you hateful, jaded fanboy bastard?