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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: "I'm 'bout it dancers page" "hipster diet" "mail order bride facts" "lick the shit from my heel" "ASCII art crucifix" "Nazi gold deadly gas Goldfinger" "tigers killing trainers" "president or ape?" |
06.25.2004
Uh, yeah it's been...well, I'm thirty-two now, so I guess it's been thirty-two years since my last confession. I mean, technically, there was no last confession, because this is my first one. Does that count? I mean, well, okay. So this is my first confession, I guess. That's probably a big sin, I bet, is not confessing before. So that's #1, I guess. What? No, I...I guess not. I would like to be. So maybe that should be #1, that I'm not a Catholic. Is that a sin, or just a mistake? And should I do anything else first? I mean, do I have to get baptized or take communion or anything first? I wanna do all that but what if I head out the door to buy cookies or whatever and I get hit by a truck without having confessed? So I want to confess first, if I can do that. If that's also not a sin. Okay, so after the no confession thing, which I guess is part of being one big sin with the not being Catholic thing...what? No, no, I wasn't raised Catholic. I'm not sure. Well, I just never paid that much attention. It was kinda boring. I brought one of those Lite-Brite things to church, usually. Well, how would I know? No, there wasn't any incense. What was he wearing? No, like an outfit. You know, a robe or something. Yeah, so I guess it wasn't Baptist. Anyway, I think it was one of those ones that are, like, English or something. Like Presbyterian or Episcopalian or Methodist or something. Like I said, I was usually playing with the Lite-Brite or one of those little pegboard games. Right! Like they have in the diners. Well, anyway, I guess I should start with the sex stuff. I've had a lot of sex, and I'm not married, so...what? No, just with girls. Okay, well, that's a relief, I guess. No, never got anybody pregnant, but I did use birth control. Which is worse, birth control or getting someone pregnant? Oh, yeah? Huh. Anyway, there was a lot of sex with girls and...yeah, it was, it was fine, I guess. No, pretty good. Sure, yeah, most of them were hot, I'd say. Some more than others. What? No...well, I dunno. I guess it depends on what you'd consider "nasty". Is there, like, doctrine or theology or something about that? Well, I guess that's your job. Also there was...what? Oh, hell...oops. Well, there's another one. Uh, I guess maybe, what, fifteen? I dunno. Does that seem like a lot to you? Ha, well, I guess even one would seem like a lot to you, huh. Ha. No, no, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing with you. I know you're not laughing. Well, I mean, if you were, though...I guess it's harder for you to see the humor in the situation. What was it like? I...are we maybe getting off the subject here a little? Okay. So, that, and also a lot of, you know, what do you call it. Touching yourself. Oh, I can? Well, masturbation, then. Also a decent amount of cursing...well, I guess not decent really. I shoplifted a little in high school, and, uh, I litter. That's it. No, that's it, really. Hey, I'm sorry, man. I know it doesn't sound like a lot for 32 years, but...well, I mean I'm not Holy Joe or anything, but honestly, I've lived a pretty quiet life. Yes, I know lying is a sin. I'm not! That's it. I honestly can't think of anything else, unless, ha, unless, you know, murder is a sin all of the sudden. Oh, you're kidding me. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Concrete is, essentially, the color of bad weather." (William Hamilton) |