LUDIC LOG

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Oh, my God. The time just flies by like Professor Zoom (the Reverse-Flash), doesn't it? Another week of my useless life come and gone, and that can only mean that it's time once again to thumb through the greasy yellowed pages of Who's Who in the DC Universe, to catch a tragicomic glimpse at the minutiae that consumed my daily existence when I was sixteen years old. And if you're not careful, you just might learn something! Of course, it won't be anything useful; it will more likely be something like what color Evolvo Lad from the Heroes of Lallor's costume was. But you might learn it just the same.

This week, we're looking at issue #10 (or Volume X, which today would have some sort of "extreme" theme to it, assume Marvel didn't just sue it out of existence. Little-known fact: since 1996, the 24th letter of the alphabet has been a fully registered trademark jointly held by Marvel Entertainment and ESPN). Before we jump right in, let's take a look at a letter from Michael Cleveland, of No Address Given. Michael wants to know what editor Len Wein has against Green Lantern villlains, since such legendary GL foes as the Dazzler, the Bottler, the Crumbler, Bel-Juz, and Erg-Master are not included in Who's Who. He also wants to know (no, seriously) where Itty is. Now, the casual reader of this column may not know who the Dazzler, the Bottler and the Crumbler are. Frankly, neither do I. I assume they were members of a super-team whose theme was kitchen utensils. I also assume that they sucked, and this is probably why they were not included. Erg-Master, I'm pretty sure, only appeared once, and Len Wein wisely felt no obligation to include every goddamn character who appeared in the 50-year existence of DC comics in Who's Who. Itty presumably was left out because Keith Giffen, via Ambush Bug, had recently told the world that Itty was totally fucking retarded. As for Bel-Juz...well, I have no explanation for that boner. Hopefully Len Wein was fired and never worked again.

Let's get on with it.

GYPSY. Gypsy was kind of hot, which is a shame, because she was, with the exception of Vibe, the lamest member of the lamest incarnation of the Justice League. She had chameleon powers, which is such a pathetic power that they occasionally gave her illusion powers, until they forgot about them. "It has been theorized," says her useless History section, "that she is not a genuine Gypsy and is playing the role of a street urchin because it suits her present needs." What needs, exactly, would be fulfilled by posing as a homeless gutter tramp? What is she, Barbara Ehrenreich?

HALO. Goddamn, I hated the Outsiders. Twenty years later and I still can't get over how much I hated the Outsiders. Anyway, Halo. Halo was...oh, it's all so complicated. She was some kind of bugfuck alien who incarnated herself in a teenage girl for some reason and gave her awesome superpowers. She later became "the legal ward of Tatsu Yamashiro" (a.k.a. Katana). Now, I can see how Child Protective Services might think that a teenage girl possessed by an immortal alien with incredibly potent energy powers might need a legal guardian, even a batshit-crazy Japanese woman in her mid-20s with a penchant for cutting people open with swords. But don't you think that somewhere on the form to adopt a kid, it says 'Are you going to take the child on incredibly dangerous adventures and routinely toss her up against homicidal superpowered maniacs?' And don't you think that, if you answer 'yes', CPS might turn the kid over to a plumber or a schoolteacher instead?

HAUNTED TANK. Remember earlier, when we talked about how writing war comics seemed to turn people into demented freaks who would come up with the most addled concepts imaginable, like G.I. Robot and the Creature Commandos and the Ghost Patrol? I don't really understand this. I mean, isn't war exciting enough without all this window dressing? The Haunted Tank...well, it delivers what it promises, all right. It's a tank! A haunted tank! Haunted by the ghost of a Confederate general! There was a black guy who was a member of the Haunted Tank's crew, and you know he had to be pretty happy about serving under the ghost of a guy who probably raped his grandmother. Another member of the Haunted Tank crew was the handsome, goateed Slim Stryker, whose untimely death from a shrapnel blast robbed him of a sure-fire career as a gay porn star.

HAWK & DOVE. A lot of people really liked this brother act, a pair of siblings who were sometime members of the Teen Titans. The gimmick was that brainy, sensitive Don Hall became the agile, pacific Dove, while football player Hank Hall became the rugged, super-strong Hawk. I never dug the dynamic, though; why not just be honest about the character typing here and call them Real-man and the Pussy?

HAWKGIRL, HAWKMAN I, HAWKMAN II, & HAWKWOMAN. Just to go against my relentless spew in these entries, I have naught but praise here. Both the Golden Age and Silver Age Hawkmen were cool characters with nifty costumes and fascinating origins; their use of archaic weaponry was always fun (particularly given the sci-fi origins of Hawkman II); the first Hawkman had a terrific run of well-done, dark stories early on; and Hawkman II and Hawkwoman was one of the more believable couples in comics, with Hawkwoman being more of a partner to Katar Hol than the typical 'oh, no! what'll I do?' wife in superhero comics. On top of it all, we get four great pieces of art here: Hawkgirl is done be Steve Rude, one of my favorite comics artists of all time; Hawkman I is set out in classy old-school format by Murphy Anderson; Hawkman gets the Joe Kubert treatment; and Hawkwoman is ably handled by Paul Smith.

HEAT WAVE. Hey, it's another member of Flash's Rogues' Gallery! That can only mean one thing: he sucks! Let's see: weak name -- check. Stupid gimmick -- check (cigarette lighter pistol). Idiotic costume -- check (canvas protective bodysuit). Bald -- check. Drawn by Carmine Infantino in his sleep -- check and double-check.

HELIX. Before Todd McFarlane made all the money in the world and then spent it all on novelty baseballs, he helped create this ludicrous super-villain team that bugged Infinity Inc. Consisting of two cool members (Mr. Bones and Penny Dreadful), two forgettable ones (Tao Jones and Arak the Wind-Walker), and two completely idiotic ones (an oversized moppet named Baby Boom and Kritter, who was a dog wearing a necktie), Helix was created by Dr. Love, an evil gynecologist. See? Comics didn't get better in the 1980s. They just found new and exciting ways to be stupid.

HEROES OF LALLOR. It was blue and yellow, okay? Evolvo Lad's costume was blue and yellow.

HOP HARRIGAN. Man, just reading the names in Hop Harrigan's entry reminds you of the Golden Age, when everything was better than it is now, or at least pretended to be. Hop Harrigan...his guardian, Silas Crass...his mechanic, Ikky 'Tank' Tinker...his co-pilot, Prop Wash...his girlfriend, Gerry...and his inexplicably ethnic aunt, Donna Sanchez de Rodriguez Manuella de las Cordelliras. He even appeared in All-American Comics, for Christ's sake.

HUMAN BOMB. Another Golden Age character, the Human Bomb (who first appeared in Police Comics) was a chemist who invented a powerful explosive. When Nazis tried to steal it, he had the bright idea of drinking it, instead of, I dunno, pouring it down the drain. As so often happens in comic books, as opposed to real life, this gave him super-powers instead of transforming him into sticky red wallpaper. This is a character whose attributes (called the Human Bomb; blows things up; member of a group called the Freedom Fighters) who would probably not be particularly well-received in today's political climate.

HUMAN TARGET. A classic DC vigilante/detective character, the Human Target frequently teamed up with the Living Doormat, Mr. Punching Bag, The Scapegoat, and Captain Kick-My-Ass as a proud member of the Cannonfodder Patrol.

HYENA. Besides a ridiculous secret identity (Summer Day, which makes you wonder how she escaped getting solar powers in the name-as-destiny-happy world of DC Comics), the Hyena has to be one of the world's worst hard-luck stories ever; her entire supervillain career is the result of having been shit on by one egomaniac after another. Her father was a cop who wanted a boy, so he withheld approval and affection from her throughout her life until she finally fucked off to join the Peace Corps. While touring Africa, she got bitten by a were-hyena and transformed into a monster herself. Back in New York, she went berserk in Manhattan, where she was doubly humiliated by Firestorm, who not only defeated her in combat, but also read her diary. Summer's parents packed her off to a clinic in Arizona for treatment, but her psychiatrist was an immigrant jackoff who had a grudge against the world because no one respected his rinky-dink foreign medical degrees, so he forced her to become the Hyena again to wreak havoc against the American Medical Association. Finally, after infecting Firestorm with her lycanthrope, he got cured, while she got deported to Africa. What the FUCK? I hope she came back one day and killed that asshole Firestorm, and her dad, and that prick Dr. Jivan Shi. What a mess.