LUDIC LOG

(SGT. SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR enters, upstage left. He seems surprised to see the audience.)

SARGE.: Oh, hello! I didn't see you there. My friends and I are on our way to the Parade of Felons! Would you care to join us? Come on!

(Cue music. At each pause in the soundtrack, a new marcher in the Parade of Felon should enter from upstage left. The first to enter is A HIPPIE.)

SARGE: This is a Hippie! He's always first in line at the parade, because he's got "the munchies". That's what we call it when you get really hungry from taking too much "mary jane weed". Hello, Hippie!

HIPPIE: Far out, man! Groovy!

SARGE: Hippie is in the parade for narcotics trafficking. That means he likes to sell drugs to little boys and girls like you, and those drugs make them very sick. You might ask, why would I take something that would make me sick? Well, Hippie forces you to want drugs with "peer pressure". You can spot Hippie by his long hair, crazy clothes and funny smell.

GANGBANGER: Yo, word up! Let's get a move on, "G"!

SARGE: Why, look! It's Gangbanger. What are you up to today, Gangbanger?

GANGBANGER: I's corruptin' the yoof too, jus' like Hippie be! And check it out, I's flashin' my "colors"!

SARGE: That's right, kids. Gangbanger here might wear cool colors, like red, blue, black, and different shades of purple, but believe me, there's nothing cool about being in a gang. It's a one way ticket to addiction, violence, bad grades, and jail. If you spot Gangbanger -- and you can always tell by his gold chains and vibrating car -- give me a call at once.

TERRORISTO: Alalalalalalalala! Alalalaaallalala!

SARGE: What the heck is that gibberish?

TERRORISTO: Alalalaaaalaalla! Alalalalalaalalala!

SARGE: Oh, it's Terroristo! Sure, he looks kind of silly, with his big beard and crazy hat and sissy-looking dress, but he's really the most dangerous man in the Parade of Felons. People in his country believe in a false religion that teaches you should kill Americans. Terroristo is the worst felon of them all, kids, and if he somehow gets through our efficient profiling systems, make sure you tell your teacher or parents immediately.

MR. JONES: Say, Sgt. Suspicious Behavior! What's new?

SARGE: Mr. Jones! What are you doing here? You're not in the Parade of Felons!

MR. JONES: That's right, Sarge. You can tell from my white skin, nice suit, good smell and the Bible I carry around that I'm no criminal. I just thought I'd stop by and take a look at some of these suspicious characters you're always warning us about. After all, profiling is all about knowing your enemy!

SARGE. It sure is, Mr. Jones. Why, checking up on you would just be wasting my valuable time, because people like aren't the ones doing anything bad! Remember, kids, profiling only works if you let it. And don't let a lot of crazy talk about "rights" from Hippie and his friends fool you; no less of an authority than the President and his Supreme Court says that the suspicion is enough. And remember:

(The closing line is delivered by the entire cast.)

"THE INNOCENT HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR."