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LUDIC LOG

06.28.2003

There's still plenty of time to send me an entry for the Ludic Log's Vacation Guest Columnist Throwdown! Win fabulous prizes! We must be in-saaaaaane!

TODAY'S TOP STORIES

Strom Thurmond's corpse briefly rises from its coffin to poke a nigra who doesn't know his place right in the eye.

An Iraqi woman celebrates the Baghdad Bruisers' shocking and unexpected Stanley Cup victory.

Former Atlanta mayor Maynard Jackson's widow attempts to ease her pain and loss by wearing a gigantic Frisbee on her head.

An orange-faced, leathery President Bush poses for cameras after a campaign stop in Bangor, ME, where he visited the Bangor Corners shopping mall and utilized a $10 coupon at the Tanning Hut.

A grim New York Mayor Bloomberg is taken into custody by SWAT team members after having stabbed to death 8 Manhattan clubgoers who were defying the city's recent smoking ban.

Violence continues in the Middle East, as an unidentified Palestinian woman complains of having a framed photo embedded in the top of her head following the IDF-led destruction of her home.

Los Angeles-area protesters sorely feel the absence of Marty, who was supposed to be carrying the part of the sign that said "THE FUCK".

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf explains why he is late to a meeting of world leaders at the Beverly Hills Hilton by noting that, as a swarthy man not wearing a janitor's uniform, he was naturally detained en route at least seven times.

A giant electronic image of President Bush becomes infuriated after learning that the staff at a fund-raising event are paid union wages.

A group of Texas prosecutors, white, depart the courtroom victorious after having removed yet another troublesome negro from decent society.

In a stunning demonstration of the dramatic body control possible through the use of yoga techniques, a New York yoga instructor expels a large spaniel from her vagina.

Sure, Mel Gibson may be an aging, overrated, homophobic religious fanatic who shot his most recent movie in ancient Aramaic, but look how handsome he is in this seven-year-old photograph!

Texas Rangers slugger Juan Gonzalez, recently embroiled in a dispute with Seattle Mariners catcher Dan Wilson over the size of his cock, elects to let the evidence speak for itself.

A 40-year-old toy collector poses his GI Joe action figures while attempting to convince himself that there is nothing pathological about his behavior. His wife (not pictured) had no comment.

A protester is taken into custody after flagrantly expressing his dislike for the current presidential administration. The President, meanwhile, who is suspected of having indirectly caused the death of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians, remains at large.

A laid-off San Francisco computer programmer, unable to meet the city's extremely high cost of living expenses after the collapse of the dot-com bubble, prepares to hurl his child into the sea in order to save money.

Agricultural worker Juan Carlos Imanuel, 34, of Columbia, continues to provide inspiration for future editions of the Ludic Log.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Only the history of free peoples merits our attention; that of men under despotisms is simply a collection of anecdotes." (Nicholas Chamfort)