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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: "fat women comic book characters" "HARCORE MILITARY T-SHIRTS" "Martin van Buren fuck" "crazy person driving" "I was nowhere near the house" "explaining what personal hygeine is" "nerd association" "I'm fucking monkeys and gorillas in the jungle" |
06.29.2004
Mayor Richard J. Daley of Chicago stands before a group of reporters, answering questions about his knowledge of criminal acts by certain of his longtime political supporters and corruption at the highest levels of government. He looks annoyed and irritable. PIG MAN: I had no idea there was corruption of this magnituge, er, at this, of this depth anywhere in the city, let alone so close to me. Cut to an alderman's office. The alderman, a hand-picked Daley appointee, is accepting a three and a half million dollar cash loan from a seedy character stuffed into a bad Mafia suit. The Mayor is oblivious to these obviously shady dealings, as he is engrossed in a challenging game of paddleball. Cut back to the press conference. PIG MAN: Obviously if there's, if there's this sort of thing going on, it's a problem, and I'm able to govern only so far as I have the trust of the people. I want to assure the people of Chicago that we are going to look into this, and we are going to get to the bottom of it, and that's that. And, of course, it won't happen again. Cut to the city vehicle yard, where dozens and dozens of fleet trucks sit idle. a half dozen or so ghost payrollers show up to collect their paychecks for a difficult week of doing nothing. Mayor Daley has stopped by for a surprise inspection, but unfortunately, he has become distracted by an open game of Bejeweled on one of the office computers and is busy trying to get to the 6th level as the payoffs are handed out. PIG MAN: I'll tell you what else: if I had known that these kinds of shenanigans, these financial monkeyshines, were going on inside my inner circle -- which I emphatically did not -- I absolutely would have taken steps to take care of them. I don't want the press doing my job for me. I will use all my powers under the law to put this stuff right. Cut to a urine-soaked alley, where a burly Bridgeporter -- a member of Mayor Daley's personal retinue of bodyguards -- is administering a brutal pummelling to a small businessman who has failed to pay off a particularly usurious illegal loan in a timely manner. Apparently unable to hear the commotion his wails of agony are causing is the nearby Mayor Daley, who seems to have become hypnotized by a "Magic Eye" 3D art poster. PIG MAN: And finally, many of the key figures in this increasing, I guess if you want to call it a scandal that's what you're going to call it, whatever it is -- many of them have been described as 'personal friends' of mine. Let me tell you this: I categorically reject that characterization. I want to say now for the record that I haven't even met a lot of these people. This is a big city. I don't know the name of everyone who's ever been involved in city business. Cut to the back of the mayoral limousine, where sits Mayor Daley. His porcine, fur-clad wife is also present, as is his good friend Alderman Burke. Burke and Mrs. Daley are carrying on something fierce, whooping in hollering, their well-fed buttocks shattering a couple of discarded, empty champagne flutes, generally acting like a couple of old Navy buddies out on a bender. Mrs. Daley takes a huge wad of rolled-up hundreds (about the size of a softball) out of her purse and blatantly, clumsily tries to jam it into Alderman Burke's suit pocket. An insensate Mayor Daley, however, sees nothing, his attention having been entirely diverted by "THE MUST LIST" on the cover of the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Most buildings now are glorified wallpaper." (Alan Bird) |