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07.01.2003
Buddy buddy! Don't forget,
there's still one day left to send
me an entry for the Ludic
Log's Vacation Guest Columnist Throwdown! Win fabulous
prizes! I got at least one free slot, so you've still got
a chance. Be a world famous web celebrity, like Mahir or that
chick who could calculate pi to a whole bunch of decimal
places.
***
JULES
It's because he stays
out there, right under the window, tinkering and doting over
that goddamn car. Where she's got to see him. Where every breath
she draws is full of his polishing and buffing where she can
see him saying See. See how sweet this ride is gonna be. I told
him to go somewhere else. I said Oh my God I totally don't even
care what a Holley carb or whatever is. It's like he was a little
boy and you told him hey that's a nice little red wagon you have
there and all he would talk about for the next six weeks is how
great his little red wagon was. Shit.
And now those other guys
sitting there, like buzzards or vultures or what are those birds
called that eat dead people? Because I said If you wouldn't keep
on messing around with it all day and all night I mean what's
the point of doing all that it's just going to get bugs on the
windshield anyway, you're so vain. I can see the DVD player and
Dewey Deck's arm. I said if you'd just leave it alone. Buffing
and polishing, and keeping the air always blowing and the engine
running even when he's just waxing it, that can't be good for
the environment I'd say and he gives me this big look and rolls
his eyes and is like whatever, Miss Hippie Environmentalist.
Hippie environmentalist. Hippie environmentalist and he knows
my dad is a corporate lawyer for Dow Chemical but he just has
to say it so everyone will know how un-p.c. he is. If it had
been me who was paying for the car, if it had been me when we
went to the Ford dealership to pick it out but I had midterms,
it would not be happening with every econ major in the dorm coming
in to stare at it because if there is such a thing as sensible
spending what the hell is it for. It would just be me and him
in a nice stylish compact, a convertible maybe, driving down
the I90 and having a good time and not trying to impress every
goddamn hillbilly in the Midwest until we got to Florida and
not his goddamn Turtle Wax, and saying hippie environmentalist.
Hippie environmentalist.
DEWEY DECK
The first time me and
Rafe went down for spring break, Jimmy don't go because he had
caught the flu and everyone was all freaking out about SARS and
anthrax and whatever. And Jules don't care because she's not
part of the group, not really, just because a bitch is somebody's
girlfriend don't mean she is part of the group. And Money like
cutting up the long hot drunk purple days into bits and throwing
them out the window. And Jimmy thinks because he wants to impress
the other guys in the program because he is always worrying about
impressing other people and not enough to do his own work. And
I did not think that Berle would go, because even in an Explorer
there is only so much room when the holes fill with distance
beyond the land.
And so it was because
I could not help it. It was then, and then I saw Berle and he
knew. He said he knew without the words like he told me that
he knew he wasn't invited without words, and I knew he knew because
if he had said he knew with the words I would have really felt
like a dick about it. But he said it was cool and I said "Are
you going to tell Jimmy are you going to make a big deal about
it?" without the words I said it and he said "Why?"
without the words. And that's why I can talk to him with knowing
with hating because he knows.
He stands in the door,
looking at her.
"What you want, Berle?"
I say.
"Man, she's totally
hot, " he says. And old horn-dog Trent comming to watch
her wash the car but I can fool them.
"Are you coming?"
I say.
"Nah," he says.
"Then what are you
doing here?" I say.
"I want to help you
load," he says.
MONEY
We decided on Palm Springs.
1. There are more places
to go there than in Florida.
2. Because you are right
near LA and San Diego.
3. If you want to you
can go down to Tijuana or Rocky Point and like anything goes
there.
4. Besides which the chicks
in California are way hotter than Florida.
5. We got a really good
group rate at the hotel. This will help with the beer money.
6.Except
7. We are probably going
to blow all that money anyway.
8. Like on weed and shit.
9. But that's really not
he point. Like what if they have one of those tropical tornadoes
or whatever they call them down in Florida, that would totally
ruin the whole road trip.
10. Once we get there
we will probably hardly even be at the hotel much at all anyway.
11. Plus more people are
probably going to Florida so it won't be like as commercialized
and crowded.
12. So we decided on Palm
Springs.
13. It's really the only
way.
PARTYMAN
My mother is a fish.
No, seriously, dude, I'm
just fucking with you. Oh, man, I am so baked.
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