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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: "I used the Bowflex and look at me now" "are you a Republican or a Democrat?" "arthroscopic surgery" "tight collar tie" "gasoline meters" "geeks vs. nerds vs. dorks" "Batman against Nazis" "WHAT DOES COCAINE SMELL LIKE?" |
07.01.2004
THE MOVIE: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. THE PREMISE: The third installment of the hugely popular series about the world’s most famous boy wizard finds a new director (Alfonso Cuarón) at the helm. He’ll be presenting the story of an insane, murderous wizard named Sirius Black (played by Gary Oldman) who comes gunning for our hero. (opens June 4th; Warner Brothers) IF IT SUCCEEDS: This “Harry Potter” character might just catch on. IF IT FAILS: Mega-marts across the country will fill hundreds of tons of landfill space with unsold lightning-insignia plastic merchandise. THE MOVIE: Zatoichi. THE PREMISE: Talented and notorious Asian director Takeshi Kitano directs and stars in this latest adaptation of the venerable Japanese legend of Zatoichi, the blind swordsman. Critically acclaimed at a number of film festivals, this blend of action and drama may be the most anticipated vengeance epic since Kill Bill Vol. 2. (opens June 4th; Miramax) IF IT SUCCEEDS: It may inspire a chain of copycat movies featuring blind people who tap dance, give massages, and kill dozens of people with swords. IF IT FAILS: Rutger Hauer’s Blind Fury will remain the most popular blind-guy-exacts-deadly-revenge movie of all time. THE MOVIE: The Chronicles of Riddick. THE PREMISE: Beloved big-screen lunkhead Vin Diesel reprises his Pitch Black role as a ex-convict who can see in the dark. Sci-fi action galore is promised, as well as (judging from the trailers) lots of war talk that might seem unusually allegorical at the moment. Judi Dench co-stars, though presumably not as Diesel’s love interest. (opens June 4th; Universal) IF IT SUCCEEDS: Riddick becomes the new Luke Skywalker. IF IT FAILS: The reaction “Who the hell is Riddick?” will prove more widespread than just test audiences. THE MOVIE: Garfield: the Movie. THE PREMISE: Yes, you read that right: Garfield: The Movie. If you’ve been wondering lately if that Garfield comic strip you remember from your childhood is still around, the answer is “yes it is, and they’re making a movie out of it for some reason!”. Garfield is a CGI creation, and hopes to be less hideous than the CGI Scooby Doo. (opens June 4th; 20th Century Fox) IF IT SUCCEEDS: Bill Murray, who was brought in to provide the voice of the pasta-gorging feline, can buy a new boat. IF IT FAILS: Hollywood will realize that computer-generated cartoon animals are kinda scary. THE MOVIE: The Stepford Wives. THE PREMISE: The movie industry continues to plunder the 1970s for source material, this time bringing in über-Muppet Frank Oz to direct a remake of this 1975 thriller about suburban housewives replaced by robotic duplicates. Nicole Kidman and Matthew Broderick head a big-league cast. (opens June 4th; Paramount) IF IT SUCCEEDS: John and Joan Cusack will be sorry they bailed out on this one when it was still in production. IF IT FAILS: Nicole Kidman has to put up with a lot more Botox jokes. THE MOVIE: The Terminal. THE PREMISE: Steven Spielberg’s latest is the incredible tale (based, amazingly, on a true story) of a simple refugee who, thanks to bad luck, bureaucracy and diplomatic circumstance, is forced to live in an airport terminal for a decade. A love story element is being added to get the most out of leads Tom Hanks and Catherine Zeta-Jones. (opens June 18th; DreamWorks) IF IT SUCCEEDS: Spielberg gets more accolades, Hanks wins another Oscar, and people become even more nervous about the airport boarding process. IF IT FAILS: America collectively demands that Spielberg goes back to making movies set in WWII. THE MOVIE: Around the World in 80 Days. THE PREMISE: Another blockbuster remake, this time of the 1956 adventure-comedy starring David Niven. This time around, Jackie Chan stars, which means less sophisticated, dry British wit and more beating people up with kung fu. However, it will follow the original in having dozens of cameos from tons of international film stars. (opens June 18th; Buena Vista) IF IT SUCCEEDS: Sparks a hot-air ballooning craze amongst young extreme-sports enthusiasts. IF IT FAILS: Proves that today’s movie audiences can’t relate to a character named Phileas. THE MOVIE: Dodgeball: a True Underdog Story. THE PREMISE: Rawson Marshall Thurber, director of the hilarious Terry Tate commercials, takes his first crack at the big screen with this bizarre corporate satire about a gaggle of losers who enter a dodgeball tournament in Las Vegas. (opens June 18th; 20th Century Fox) IF IT SUCCEEDS: Definitive proof will exist that you can’t go wrong when you’ve got Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn getting creamed in the face by huge rubber balls. IF IT FAILS: Things will look bleak for upcoming releases like Smear the Queer, Laprunners and Rope Climb: the Movie. THE MOVIE: White Chicks. THE PREMISE: The Wayans Brothers take a break from the Scary Movie franchise to open this comedy about FBI agents assigned to protect a pair of hotel heiresses. Keenen Ivory directs and Marlon and Shawn star as a couple of, well, white chicks. Columbia is hoping this sees Scary Movie-type numbers on its opening weekend. (opens June 25th; Columbia) IF IT SUCCEEDS: The brilliant Busy Philipps (Freaks & Geeks) finally gets a big-screen career. IF IT FAILS: The combination of drag and whiteface proves a bit too much for the moviegoing public. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Always design a thing by considering it in its next larger context -- a chair in a room, a room in a house, a house in an environment, an environment in a city plan." (Eliel Saarinen) |