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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: "teeth plaque conspiracy Metallica" "She-Hulk naked" "where at least I know I'm free" "bear eats hunters" "Kill Bill characters" "Soldier Boy the book" "Bjork stalker acid book" "childe sex" |
07.02.2004
As always, with apologies to Mrs. Flaubert and Lapham, here are yet still more Received Ideas for a New Millennium. Part 1 of a series over the slow holiday weekend. ASIA. Asia is terrible important. It is "emerging". The Chinese are unfair, but we must deal with them nonetheless because they are such a huge market. Express certainty that the next great war will be not with the Arabs, but with the Chinese, or possibly the Koreans. ELECTIONS: A neccessary evil. Elections are held every two years, or every four, or sooner: Americans have a mania for them. They are important, but no one likes them because they result in the appointment of politicians (q.v.). ENTERTAINMENT. We used to have art; now we have entertainment. The worth of any artistic or cultural endeavor is whether or not it is entertaining; if it is sad or depressing or hard to understand, it is not entertaining and therefore not good. People who like things that are not entertaining are pretentious (q.v.). It is not enough to know what is entertaining, but also how much money any given form of entertainment is making. This is called "infotainment", because it is both entertaining and informative. GOVERNMENT: "The best government is no government" (although you are no wild-eyed anarchist -- there is always defense, and, of course, law enforcement). Government in its finest form is still bad. It is curious why so many wealthy and influential people want to be in government; vote for the ones who have the most contempt for the electoral office to which they aspire. ISLAM. It is a violent and sordid religion, much given to barbaric practices long since abandoned by Christianity. All Muslims are anti-Semites. Make reference to "the culture of suicide bombing", or refer to the religion as a "death cult". Probably should not be allowed inside our borders. If anyone criticizes you for attacking Islam, remind them that it discriminates against women. Some say that it is very similar to Christianity and Judaism, but that cannot possibly be so. Do not speak of "the west vs. Islam"; say "civilization vs. barbarism". JUDGES: We vote for judges even though we know nothing about them. Demand that judges be tough on crime, except when you are appearing before them. KOREA. The south is filled with hard-working innocents. The north is filled with ravenous demons in human shape. We must keep troops there, although no one is quite sure why. POLITICIANS. Politicians are the people in charge of government (q.v.), and thus must always be corrupt, greedy and awful. No one but a cheat, a liar or a fraud would want to become a politician. That said, one is always worse than the other, and we must vigorously denounce him. He is easy to spot because he belongs to the party of opposition. PRETENTIOUS. A good all-around insult of anyone who seems to be smarter than you are. If anyone does not like the things you like, they are probably pretentious. Actually knowing what this word means is itself very pretentious. VOTING: Should not be confused with democracy; as many of our middle eastern allies prove, it is quite possibly to have democracy without voting. Still and all, it is a sacred right; everyone should be encouraged to vote, provided they are voting for the right person. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "The only real buildings are nonbuildings. The rest is theater." (Kevin Roche) |