LUDIC LOG

Hey there, Legions of Terror! I'm on vacation. I'm going to San Francisco, to see its famous homosexuals, hippies, feminists, Negroes and earthquakes. While I'm gone, a few lucky contest winners will be filling in for me. The first of them is the legendary Calamity Jon Morris, who'll be handling the weekly DC Who's Who recap. Jon is a great cartoonist (as you can see from his website), a very funny man (as you can see from this entry, which is better than any of mine), and a recidivist sexual abuser of baby chimps (as you can see from his lengthy records with the Arizona state police and Animal Welfare bureau). Take it away, homes!

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What with Leonard out of town and apparently too much of a little girl to risk writing a daily log while raging drunk and waist-deep in America's national center of steamy man-love ­ listen, some men fear these changes, some men embrace them; me, my valedictorian speech was delivered soused and pinned beneath a stranger whose real name was probably not actually 'Cody' ­ I wanted to step in and give the DC Who's Who retrospective a shot. While drunk. And man-humping.

But of course, any idiot can ­ and does ­ write a standard review of Who's Who entries. Where I'm going -- and taking you with me ­ is the Who's Who that SHOULD have been. To a comics history guru like me, some of the choices made for inclusion versus exception were simply astonishing, so I want to write my own definitive directory to the DC universe otherwise left forgotten. Meet Who's Who #10.5, the notional issue!

You don't need me to cover the glaring omissions in any given issue of Who's Who, not when 1986 America's faithful army of anal-retentive nerds were there to angrily do it in the truncated lettercol inside each issue's front cover. But then again, you don't really need Who's Who in the first place ­ you're just going to get it, is all.

EGG-FU. Sometimes I ponder whether Wonder Woman was actually selling enough to survive, or if DC kept it around only to diffuse the potential feminist backlash against not having a predominant female superhero. (Then again, Marvel's never had a major female superstar in a long-running title, which is why scary nerds prefer Marvel.) In any case, I have a hard time believing her sales saved her star-spangled ass if only because every supporting element in her book has been so lame, particularly her villains. She's a page out of Greek mythology, right? So she should have an endless stream of half-human monstrosities and angry demigods to battle when she's not spurning the advances of an amorous Apollo or sowing a field of dragon's teeth or sparring with bronze warriors. There's nothing short of a thousand menaces, puzzles or quests on her plate, but instead she gets this: A sixty-foot tall Communist Chinese egg with a handlebar moustache. That, and the over-amorous space gorillas that one time.

ERASER. This was a legitimate Batman villain who dressed like a pencil: pink rubber hat, yellow striped suit, pointy shoes. In a world where Kite-Man gets included in Who's Who but this guy doesn't, I don't believe there's justice. I mean, the Ten-Eyed Man got an entry and that guy was a Man-Bat villain! MAN-BAT! How many degrees of separation from respectability could they tolerate in these entries?

GENERALISSIMO GOG. A disgraced military figure of the diminutive Mediterranean nation of Offalia, Generalissimo Demmy Gog (oh ho, ho ho) and the five ragtag soldiers which make up the country 's "Dirty Half Dozen" ­ its sole military force ­ attack a hipster-slang-slinging Justice League in hopes of conquering America. This was one of those stories written by Denny O'Neil when he forgot he was writing one of DC's flagship series and instead thought he was still writing Herbie the Fat Fuck. Oh, wait, I mean 'Fury'. No, wait, I meant 'Fuck'.

GOODY RICKLES. The goody-goody brother of Don Rickles, who appeared in Jimmy Olsen during the Kirby run. Amazing.

ITTY. This is Green Lantern's flower/snail sidekick-pet. It sat on GL's shoulder while he had adventures in space. I believe it was introduced during the period where Georgia O'Keefe was drawing the book. (As an aside, I just realized yesterday that its name was 'Itty' as in 'Itty Bitty', not just as in 'it' with a modifier

JULIUS SCHWARTZ. No denizen of 'Earth Prime' (I prefer a nice fatty cut of Earth myself, maybe an Earth loin or a nice Earth roast) has made more appearances in DC comics than this editorial icon. Also, here's a Julius Schwartz story I saw on the bus at San Diego: Julie steps on at the Sheraton, wearing a Dark Knight t-shirt and slacks. Some kid yells "Hi Julie", and Schwartz turns to him, looks him up and down, and angrily snaps "I don't know YOU!" Then he sat down. MAN JULIE!

LARA. Jor-el got an entry. Superman had a mother too, you fucks.

ODD MAN. You've seen this guy in the late-70's DC full-page ads: patchwork suit, one red eye, one yellow eye, polka dot tie, striped pants, checkered jacket, ALLLLL the colors of the rainbow. Steve Ditko character. Oh yeah, now you remember...

PINKY. Mister Scarlet's sidekick. I'm familiar with the legal problems which kept most of the Fawcett-purchased characters out of Who's Who as well as other DC titles, but the fact is that DC's lawyers should've fought extra hard if only to include the one sidekick whose secret identity was gayer by far than 'Speedy', 'Robin' and 'Sandy the Golden Boy'. If you had a kid sidekick superhero whose name actually had the words "Lubed-Up Pleasure Toy" in it, it still wouldn't be quite as irredeemably gay as 'Pinky'.

PREZ. This is bullshit. This is major, major bullshit. Even if Prez's omission was actually tackled in the letters page of the very issue in which he should have appeared, and even if there was "heated discussion" about it, I still call bullshit. Someone deserves a gut-punch for this, and I swear, even if it was Archie Goodwin, I'm gonna dig him up and do it. How much of a total bunch of assholes do you think DC editorial felt when, years later, Neil Gaiman turned Prez into the most amazing single issue of a comic in years? Anyway, Prez's cut has me so upset, I'm not even going to be able to stir up the muster to mention The Green Team...

RADIO SHACK WHIZ KIDS. Alex and Shanna, I think. I honestly don't particularly know, or care. In the matter of whether I should use valuable space in my memory for pictures of naked women, phone numbers, or the names of the Radio Shack Whiz Kids, I think you know what wins out. In any case, these two were computer geniuses who used Radio Shack's TRS-80 model computer to assist Superman in solving crimes and fighting menaces which were particularly vulnerable to cassette drives and screen burns. I can't accept that Superman could benefit from a pair of teenage desk jockeys and their oversized calculator-slash-paperweight. Even I can process square roots faster than a TRS-80, what's Superman going to do with one, smash Luthor across the noggin with it?

SENTINELS. I'm assuming DC got the rights to these guys along with all the other Charlton heroes. This was a trio of beatniks who gained super-powers from something and then fought something, and their names were Helio and something and something. But here's the good part: their civilian identities were as a folk trio, their ouevre was songs about how the world is doomed, and they actually had partial lyrics to one of their songs which went: "The Doomsday Dirge/the doubters we'll purge " Whoa! Watch out Kingston Trio!

SUPERBABY. If there's one thing you have to give Superman, it's that he's made great strides in overcoming his childhood speech impediment. It's also possible that his rocket might've landed harder than we thought, and the poor little fella got his noggin well-shook. Two versions of Superman got Who's Who entries: the Golden Age fella and the Byrne revamp. This means that not only was Superman's rich career as a boy generally ignored, but all those years he spent as an autistic force of nature were left undocumented in the cold post-Crisis world

SUPERMAN JR. How they could overlook this guy, Superman's only legitimate claim to a kid sidekick (not counting Supergirl, although let's face it, Clark pretty much abandoned that jailbait in some one-horse town and hightailed it back to the big city)? Superman Jr. was the son of a scientist who gave the kid super-powers before up and keeling over. Then Superman adopted him and, like all good adoptive parents, changed the kid's name. Now do you miss your dead daddy? Oh, and later, Superman Jr. died. I bet there's an acre of upturned earth behind the Fortress of Solitude containing the unmarked graves of dozens of Superboys and Supergirls

TERRIFIC WHATZIT. DC's first funny animal superhero, dressed up like the Golden Age Flash BUT WAS A TURTLE, GET IT? Also, as I think about it, they left out Super-Turtle too, BUT INCLUDED SEPARATE ENTRIES FOR EVERY MEMBER OF THE ZOO CREW! Let me see if I get this straight ­ the Metal Men, the Blackhawks, and the Inferior Five have team entries...but every member of the Zoo Crew got their own entry. Even Little Cheese. Mmn. Mm-hmn.

T'OMM JONZZ. Insert your own Tom Jones song title in here, but come back in time for this piece of info: Martian Manhunter's little brother. I ain't kidding. His little kid brother made it to Earth. His little kid brother's name was T'omm. I think and/or hope he died at some point.

WONDER TOT. This is Wonder Woman when she was small and retarded. Getting back to WW's horrible lameness, another of her poorer elements was her persistent Artemis-come-lateliness in terms of comic book accoutrements. Lo-o-o-ong after Batman, Green Arrow, Aquaman, and the Flash had teen sidekicks, Wonder Woman gets Wonder Girl. Lo-o-o-ong after Superman devalues himself as Superbaby, we get Wonder Tot. These stories had lots of Wonder Tot fighting a giant sea monster and gargling out gems like "Tee-hee, me play with smiley fish!" You know the drill. Wonder Tot also had a genie. I wish you could witness the angry paroxysm I undergo everytime I type that. "Wonder Tot also had a genie WHAT THE FUCK!"

This is coming out a little thin for an issue of Who's Who, so I'm going to round this up with some DC super-heroes I just made up

CHALLENGERS OF THE KNOWN. Four rough-and-tumble adventurers ­ Randy, Specs, Doodles and Veronica ­ dedicate their lives to seeking thrills and action among the well-established paths trod before them. When last seen, the Challs were on a mission to ride every Six Flags roller-coaster without getting sick!

LEGION OF FUCKS. Cashing in on the inherent hipness of the racially and economically oppressed underclasses so often represented in the Legion of Super-Heroes, a group of over-privileged thirtieth-century kids form their OWN super-hero clubhouse. Represented by such stalwart costumed figures as Trustfundicon and the Living Kennedy, the LoF dedicates themselves to throwing killer bashes and getting that blonde bitch so drunk she don't know if she's got it coming or going, yeee-ah! Once a year, the Legion of Fucks stage a membership drive, at which they systemically turn away many Jews and blacks.

MADONNA-WHORE. This complex super-villainess repeatedly torments Wonder Woman, causing the amazing Amazon to come to grips with her coquetteish dismissal of Steve Trevor's affection, the dichotomy between her over-feminized costume and overtly masculine physique, and the fact that she's a fucking enormous undersexed Amazon in star-spangled bondage gear who could rip a phone book in half with a kegel.

QUEEF. This mischevious fifth-dimensional imp who idolizes the Black Canary (II) often appears in a stylized version of her role model's costume to aid the Canary with her magic. As time passes, Queef's self-image begins to deteriorate as she realizes she doesn't possess Canary's hourglass figure. After several weeks of crash dieting, bulimia and radical plastic surgery, Queef falls into a profound depression. Following a girl-to-girl talk on the beauty of full-figured women, an obviously uncomfortable Black Canary suggests Queef may try wearing darker colors, and should consider sweat pants. Queef vanishes into a quart of chocolate ice cream and is never seen again.