LUDIC LOG

Hello again, Ludic Log fans! I'm still on vacation, so you'll continue to get award-winning guest columnists and like them. Today's column is a lovely little Independence Day screed against our bottom-of-the-barrel president by a young fella named Andy Knight, who may or may not have written this book. Enjoy!

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Well, here it is once again: July 4th. It is on this day that we celebrate our independence from the tyrannical oppression that we suffered under for so long: gainful employment. No longer do we experience the stress involved with finding time to pay our bills! Gone are the days sweating over decisions like when and what to eat! Never again shall we calculate where we should go to meet each other! We certainly shan't preen ourselves in the mirror before heading to buy one another drinks in the hope of some good old carnal pleasure. No, no, those horrible days are gone. Now we spend our time in the relative safety of our half-duct-taped efficiency apartments, hunkered down in the warmth of the sofa we couldn't find a buyer for, while licking dried ramen in a futile attempt to hydrate it. Ah, this is the life! Now just hold on as I wait for the landlord to stop knocking.

Our lord and master, Commodore Dubya, has given us this bountiful existence filled with rich bleakness and wonderful despair. I don't know about you, but I've never been closer to being one with the universe than I am right now. Sure, I wish I still had my asthma inhalers from time to time, and I could certainly use fewer lesions, but I can fit into clothes I haven't worn since junior high, and you can't put a price on that. We should all take a page from our utility bills and write Mssr. Bush a thank-you note! But remember, our fair Dubya was not alone in granting us this freedom. Be sure to write a letter of thanks to the GOP, its members in Congress, Jeb Bush, Katherine Harris, and the five voters who gave our great leader his crown. Had it not been for them, we may have never discovered just how delicious a packet of ketchup could be.

Many of you may not remember this, but July 4th has another connection to that great word 'Independence'. Why, it was a mere 7 years ago that the great sage Bill Pullman foretold the coming of Dubya and his impending battle with the skyscraper-destroying illegal aliens! He even predicted Dubya's triumphant flight on Navy 1, a fighter plane that landed in all its glory upon an aircraft carrier after, presumably, Bush had completed a bombing run that successfully blew up Saddam Hussein and his flying mothership of doom. Well, okay, so technically it was some drunk guy who sacrificed his life (and career at the Atlantic Monthly journal) to land the killing blow on Saddam, and he couldn't have done it without Jeff-Goldblum-counterpart Ari Fleischer and his Freedom iMac. Fellow Missourian John Ashcroft should also receive some praise for realizing early on that Saddam gained his power by looking upon Justice's nearly naked form. Way to go, John! That wasn't even in the movie! All in all, a great victory for the team, and, as Trent Lott told us, we didn't even need Will Smith to do it! Huzzah!

Well, it isn't lonely at the bottom thanks to all of the other folks down here, so be sure to gather 'round a traditional oil drum trash fire and tip a glass of tap water that has gone cloudy with your independent friends on this independent day. (Also, keep in mind that Nationwide Looting Day starts promptly at noon EST on July 5th. Remember, if you start late, you eat later.) So happy independence to all, and to all a good night!