LUDIC LOG

Welcome, once again, to Zardecki's Baking Soda Presents: FACT...and FICTION!

There's been a lot of talk lately about God, and his place in our lives. Some say that God doesn't belong in the schools; some say that God's been driven out of the public sphere. Others debate whether or not we should include God in the Pledge of Allegiance. It's obviously a question that's close to the hearts -- and souls -- of America. So who's right?

The FACT is: God is a made-up fairy tale, no different in kind or degree from Santa Claus, Superman or Paul Bunyan! He has no more place in our schools than Ronald McDonald does, and wasting even a moment of the national attention discussing his role in civic affairs is akin to discussing whether or not we should put Gandalf on our money instead of Lincoln!

Homosexuality is a perennial hot-button issue in the news. Are Christian fundamentalists right in saying that it's an abomination, an unnatural perversion of the natural order? Or are gay activists right in saying that what they do is good and decent and should be accepted, protected -- even embraced? Heated words have been exchanged and blood has even been shed over this essential question: is homosexuality unnatural?

The FACT is: the question is so fatuous, we feel like idiots even discussing it! It not only betrays a complete lack of understanding of the natural universe, but there's no way of even framing it that isn't profoundly stupid! Debating whether or not someone is good or bad for having gay or lesbian sex is about as intelligent and as useful as debating whether or not a flower is good or bad for being purple instead of yellow!

It seems like America will never know peace. Just when things seemed to be going well, here we are in the midst of another war, this time against Islamist radical fundamentalist terrorism. And yet, things don't seem quite as morally clear as they did during World War II. Who are the good guys? Who are the bad guys? Did America somehow bring some of this on themselves? Is it terrorism we battle, or Islam itself? Is this truly a religious war? How much do the ends justify the means? And most importantly, who holds the moral high ground?

The FACT is: there's no such thing as moral high ground! Both sides are completely full of shit, and are interested in nothing more than forwarding their own ridiculous agendas; every single piece of rhetoric and argumentation coming from every single person on either side of the "war" is nothing more than self-serving fantasy meant to make people feel better about the fact that they are essentially acting like cavemen! Either side could win and either side could lose and it would be about as big a triumph for civilization as was the French and Indian War! It's all just a bunch of crap!

If there's one thing that can be said to be our national obsession, it's race. The number of topics, sub-topics and meta-topics stemming from that four-letter word are endless: on the one side, there's racism, police brutality, ethnic profiling, discrimination, reparations, cultural co-option and underrepresentation; and on the other, there's reverse racism, gangs, preferential quotas, race-baiting, affirmative action, hate crimes, and separatism. Everywhere you go in the world, people are at each other's throats. What's the right approach to this incredibly sensitive topic?

The FACT is: race is imaginary! It's an invention! It's a completely arbitrary social construct that since its very inception has served no purpose than to consolidate the interests of those who are in power and reduce the self-determination of those who aren't! Anyone who tells you that they represent any "race" is full of shit, and merely breaching the topic is the lead-in to a major rhetorical hosejob 99% of the time! The only reason this idiotic notion is still in such tremendous currency is that so many people have a lot to gain from keeping the dumb-ass idea of race alive, and when those people start talking, your best bet is to assume everything they say is a big fat lie!

One of our favorite topics around here, for obvious reasons, is Zardecki's Baking Soda. We're proud to say that the public has made us its #1 baking soda, and for good reasons: from our high-quality product, to our strong sense of business ethics, to the fact that, simply put, we care about people, Zardecki's is a company that represents a sense of honor and responsibility that's sadly lacking in corporate America today. But is our reputation deserved? Are we really worthy of your trust and respect?

The FACT is: go ahead and respect us if you want, you sorry heaps of shit -- as long as you keep spending that do-re-mi! We are in business for one reason and one reason only, and that's to get you to part with as much cash in our favor as we possibly can. We don't give a fuck about baking soda and we'd be just as happy to sell ground glass if we thought you'd buy it and eat it. Is our product high-quality? Sure, it's as high-quality as the industrial bulk food manfacturer we buy it from can make it -- just like the products of our competitors, because it's all the goddamn same stuff! As for our "caring" and "business ethics", you can rest assured that if slavery was made legal, we would wait not two hours, not ten minutes, but one fucking second before we started buying people up like baseball cards and putting them to work 22 hours a day. Thanks a lot for your trust and faith in us -- SUCKERS!

We're pleased you joined us for another installment of Zardecki's Baking Soda Presents: FACT...and FICTION!. Zardecki's: ruining things for everybody since 1922.