LUDIC LOG

Good evening, and welcome again to "Fighting Stereotypes". A lot has happened in the last year; the terrible attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, a new debate over racial profiling, another white-on-black police brutality incident in Los Angeles, and worldwide debates over gay rights. We feel confident in saying that in troubled times such as these, the importance of fighting stereotypes cannot be overestimated. So let's go straight down to the arena to get a look at this year's contestants with our play-by-play annoucer, Jim Collingsway, and our color man, Ennis Teasely!

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"Well, Jim, as Brett pointed out from the studio in New York, there's been a tremendous amount of racial and ethnic strife in the world since we last met here in the Windy City. And that makes this year's installment of 'Fighting Stereotypes' even more exciting."

"You said a mouthful, Ennis. While our competitors are never lacking in fire or determination, this year could be special, because there's a tremendous amount of pride, self-respect, and, I would say, even honor on the line here."

"Exactly. 'Fighting Stereotypes' is never easy; it's usually a fierce uphill battle. But this time around, we've got some serious emotion driving these contestants. So let's not waste any more time, let's take a look."

"Well, as you know, folks, 'Fighting Stereotypes' is a single-elimination, one-fall tournament. Sixteen stereotypes go in, but only one comes out. Seeding is determined by their standings in the regular season as well as their placement in the tournament last year."

"Which is one exciting thing about this competition, Jim. It leads to some dynamite match-ups, and you can throw away the rulebook because a lot of these guys play for the playoffs. For example, last year's champion, Greasy Ill-Mannered Lazy Hispanic, absolutely cruised through the 'second season' last year, and while he had a very disappointing regular season this year, his performance when it mattered guarantees him a spot in the top brackets."

"That's right. And contestants like Arrogant Tight-Assed Rich Honky are enigmas: he's never been in the playoffs before, but his stellar regular season got him a shot. Will his dominance throughout the year prep him for the long haul? Or will burnout and lack of playoff experience cause him to falter?"

"And let's not forget that playoff experience is no guarantee of performance. Greedy Hook-Nosed Grasping Jew has been to the Big Dance for the last 14 years and has never won the big prize."

"Sort of the Susan Lucci of Fighting Stereotypes, eh? Ha ha."

"Ha ha. Exactly."

"Once contestant that's going to hold everyone's attention this year will be Swarthy Towel-Headed Crazy Muslim. He's been the most dominating stereotype in the sport all this year, and is highly favored to win it all, but his former teammates have been shrouded in controversy."

"Who can forget the 1987 'Fighting Stereotypes' tourney, when Dusky Rag-Headed Terrorist Muslim blew himself to smithereens with a dynamite bomb in the locker room before the first match of the first round?"

"The tourney was cancelled that year because the judges pointed out that no matches had actually taken place, but fans of Dusky noted that he had technically defeated all of his opponents, albeit outside the designated area of play, and should therefore have been awarded the Reggie White Trophy."

"And, with the shocking inclusion at the last moment of Mincing Sissy-Boy Effeminate Fag after his last-second win over Shiftless Welfare-Sponge Crackhead Negro on a questionable call in the final regular-season game of the year, controversy will be no stranger to this year's tournament either, I'm sure."

"Well, only time will tell, Ennis. We'll see in just a few moments, when we're joined in the booth by 1994 winner Bucktoothed Slanty-Eyed Jabbering Jap and his translator for first-round action here in Chicago, as we get ready for another year of 'Fighting Stereotypes'!"