|
|
|
|
Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: GO A.L.! "where can I go to order Red Fusion soda?" "physics nerds" "judo porn" "bloody Russians" "13 year old boners" "sucking Superman's penis" "let me see a mermaid" "shithead crew" |
07.13.2004
It's Major League Baseball's All-Star night. I'll be watching the game, of course; but all too often, lost in the glitz and glitter of the big show are the hard-working efforts of baseball's forgotten journeymen: the players of the independent leagues. Not blessed with the sheer talent or the polished professionalism of their brothers in the American and National Leagues or the raw promise and unending hope of the numerous minor league teams, there's still plenty of baseball skill on display in places like the Eastern League, the Scarsdale Valley Hard-Pitch League, and the Central Death Valley Whoop-De-Doo League. Tonight, while the superstars in Houston show off the skills that made them megamillionaires, the Ludic Log turns the spotlight on the best the second-best have to offer: The Independent League All-Stars. CATCHER: Kenny Morland (Dry Branch Klansmen, Macon Country Non-Negro League). Considered one of the most solid hitters on the blossoming southern race-hate circuit, Morland has put together a .319 average with 16 home runs and 68 RBIs at the All-Star Break. Blessed with a cannon arm and solid speed for a backstop, he's only slightly hampered by his subpar handling of pitchers (Klansmen fans have grown used to the sound of the mildly retarded Morland hollering "FASTBALL INSIDE!" or "SLIDER LOW!" at the top of his lungs during visitor at-bats). FIRST BASE: Steve "Cotton Balls" Civelli (Egg Harbor City Cholesterrines, South Jersey Goombah League). Like most first-sackers, Civelli (his nickname stems from a testicular bleeding issue that caused him to miss much of last season) is a power-hitter with 20 home runs to his credit halfway through the season. Unlike most first-sackers, he's also a demon on the basepaths -- unusually, considering his 328-pound frame, lumbering physique, and slothlike first step. Not blessed with great speed, Civelli's astonishing 23 steals is due to his intimidating presence and frequent visits to opposing clubhouses. "Guys don't even try and pick me off," says the gargantuan slugger, "if they know what's good for them." Civelli is a fan favorite and a friendly family man who prides himself on knowing the names, addresses and whereabouts of the wives and children of every other player in the league. SECOND BASE: Alfonso Sepulveda (Pastura Pachucos, Guadalupe County League). Sepulveda (he was named after the Los Angeles street where his mother, a famous transsexual prostitute, plied her trade) got to where he is by fielding. His incredible streak of no errors in six full seasons more than compensates for his unimpressive .014 lifetime batting average and zero home runs in a thirteen-year career. Sepulveda has led the Guadalupe County League five times in both turning double plays and hitting into double plays. THIRD BASE: Carter Hinson (Argo Corner Argonauts, Delaware Refrigerator Repair League). Perennial fan favorite Hinson is a decent batsman (.241 average, 9 homers and 36 RBIs on the season so far), but the outspoken and controversial cornerman is better known for his outsized personality. While his career numbers are respectable but unimpressive, the statistics he claims for himself are truly stunning. Hinson boasts that he has, in three years in the DRRL, hit 6,451 home runs, scored over seventeen thousand times, and maintained a lifetime .874 batting average. Who knows how far this six-time governor of Delaware, Connecticut and New York and former emperor of Venus will go? SHORTSTOP: Pope John Paul II (Vatican Saints, Liga Romana). There's no one you want in your lineup in a close game than "The Pope". Although an anemic hitter, he's a highly skilled player-manager and a 'field general' who isn't afraid to issue a 'Papal Bull' containing vital game strategy to his fellow fielders. And, thanks to the principle of papal infallability, he has yet to make an error in his entire lengthy career. LEFT FIELD: Leftfieldermatic 750-CX (Cypress Quarters Gamewinning Production Units, South Florida Robot League). Some players just seem to be born to hit. And some players literally were designed to hit. Even in the highly competitive SF Robot League, Leftfieldermatic 750-CX shines: in a mechanical echo of big-leaguer Barry Bonds, he literally hit a home run every time he was not intentionally walked, just as his programming dictates. Would he like to be the first artificial life-form to play in the majors? His only answer is an enigmatic beep, as his maintenance crew explains that speech is not within his functional parameters. CENTER FIELD: Paolo Chavez (Ponce Ponces, Puerto Rico Retiree's League). The undisputed superstar of this Latino league for the over-70 crowd, Chavez can't make contact like he used to (career .298 hitter in the minors; career .165 hitter in the PRRL), but his 26 years as an outfielder from his twenties to his forties plus his twenty-five years as a hitting coach shine through in his relentless, if often incomprehensible, dugout chatter. "Hit ball," he is often heard to say; "no make out." Asked about the philosophy of hitting he's developed in his six decades in baseball, he shares this nugget of hard-earned wisdom: "Get on base, is good. Get out, not good. Try get on base. Base hit or home run good, or walk. Not is good pop fly or ground out, strikeout too. Hit ball; no make out. You no good." RIGHT FIELD: Curtis "Trey" Modell III (Telgen Terrors, Petroleum County, MT Mercenary League East). The often-controversial Modell is living proof of the maxim that you don't have to be a role model to be a great player. There's no arguing with his numbers -- 23 home runs, 81 RBIs and a healthy .311 average to lead the league -- but his personality isn't quite up to major league snuff. Convicted of six rapes, two murders, and an attempted genocide, Modell attributes his success to non-stop profanity, massive consumption of cocaine and steroids, and a dedicated and rigorous program of wife-beating. Are the fans complaining? Not as long as he keeps putting up those offensive stats. Or, as Trey himself puts it, "Get the fuck out of my fucking face, bitch!" STARTING PITCHER: Kevin deAngelis (Harden City Fuckflickers, Central Oklahoma Obscenity League). What's the secret to deAngelis' breathtaking 0.00 ERA and .000 opponent batting average? He hasn't thrown a single pitch all year. During his first start, he simply stood on the mound, refusing to let his first heater leave his big left hand; when ordered to start the game by the home plate umpire, Kevin threw down a challenge: "Make me." No one's taken him up on it yet; with the Fuckflicker's home opener now in its 2,346th hour of delay, "Mr. Perfect" may yet, by his combination of stuff, placement, and utter avoidance, record the most impressive pitching season in the history of baseball. Move over, Rocket! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "Where does discontent start? You are warm enough, but you shiver. You are fed, yet hunger gnaws you. You have been loved, but your yearning wanders in new fields. And to prod all these there's time, the bastard time." (John Steinbeck) |