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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: How cool would you think I was if I told you I was driving to rural Wisconsin this weekend to watch a community theatre production of Jesus Christ Superstar? More cooler, most coolest, or COOLEST BOSS JOCK BADASS OF THE GALAXY? "MODOK JOKE" "tattoos cartoon bumble bee" "Much Ado About Nothing sex scene" "holy Moses pie" "shave your head for your girlfriend" "incest good sexy" "racist things to say" "homeless people are human" |
07.14.2004
Today, despite the presence at a get-out-the-vote rally starring such high-powered superstars as Dean Jones and Marvin Winans, a vote to introduce a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage floundered on the floor of the Senate. However, its proponents (including Sen. Rick Santorum, the late Sen. Strom Thurmond, and Count Dracula) vowed not to let it die and to carry on their attempt to make only the second constitutional amendment in American history that would restrict, rather than extend, personal freedom. Buoyed by the phenomenal success of the previous freedom-restricting amendment, the prohibition of alcohol, Senate Republicans were determined that this legislation would be back. While we applaud their noble efforts to prevent millions of Americans from having access to equal rights, we cannot but think that they don't go far enough. There are plenty of other constitutional amendments that the United States vitally needs passed to ensure that "equal rights for all" is once and for all rightly consigned to the ashcan of history. Here are a few suggestions. AMENDMENT XXVIII. An amendment defining "labor" as "a sacred contract between an employer and an employee" and forbidding any impediment to the employer-employee relationship by federal or local governments. This would eliminate oppressive regulations, silence troublesome labor unions, and save billions on bureaucracy and workplace pay and safety standards. The government has no more right to interfere in the holy boss-worker relationship than it does the relationship between man and wife or parent and child. AMENDMENT XXIX. An amendment reintroducing the right to own slaves. This amendment would enjoy massive popular support, as the tradition of slavery has passed on completely unchanged down through thousands of years of human history, and it is not the business of activist judges to tamper with millennia-old sacraments. To defuse possible charges of racism, "slave" would be defined as "an human being of any race, creed, color or religion who is owned by another human being". This would, of course, further the cause of equal opportunity. AMENDMENT XXX. An amendment restricting the voting franchise to white male landowners. Since the number of tightly contested, disputed and even rigged elections has increased as the right to vote has been extended, it is self-evident that election reform is best accomplished by allowing the vote only to that portion of the American citizenry that was allowed to vote when the country was founded. AMENDMENT XXXI. An amendment making the possession of a penis a requirement for U.S. citizenry. Language should be included that indicates that it be the citizen's own penis and not someone else's, that the citizen have been born with the penis attached somewhere on their body, and that only one penis per citizen is allowed. AMENDEMENT XXXII. An amendment establishing Christianity as the official religion of the United States. Some constitutional scholars argue that this amendment would violate the Establishment Clause; it has been suggested that this roadblock be avoided by allowing other religions to freely practice their faith provided they pay homage to Jesus as the savior of mankind and refer to any and all of their deities as Jehovah. Other suggestions include a clause allowing a 'super-special' one-time exemption to the Establishment Clause, or ordering the immediate imprisonement of constitutional scholars. AMENDMENT XXXIII. An amendment declaring federal elections null and void if they are won by a Democrat. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "He who despises himself esteems himself as a self-despiser." (Susan Sontag) |